We’ve all been struck by cupid’s bow at some point. But not all of us are blessed to get it right during the first few attempts. The lucky ones chance upon their SO (Significant Other) fast in life and are spared from a host of failed relationships. While the not-so-lucky ones race through a gamut of romantic escapades, clueless about what it takes to avoid the vicious cycle of break ups.

However, it’s not sheer luck alone that sustains healthy relationships. It’s a multitude of components; from the ongoing effort of understanding boundaries of attachments, to staying committed through ups and down.

1. Too Hard Too Soon

Falling in love is a beautiful and liberating affair, albeit detrimental if you fall too fast. Getting to know the other person well enough before committing to them is vital. You need to know what you’re signing yourself up for, since unlike gyms, there are no free trials in relationships.

Thanks to our raging hormones, we’re often tempted to move at a fast pace. But if you’re in the early stages of getting to know someone, taking things to the next level too quickly probably isn’t the best idea. Your ideals of how someone is like as a partner could bare a stark contrast to who they are in reality. A good friend won’t necessarily be a good boyfriend. So enjoy the present moment you have together and don’t get caught up in mindless fantasies.

2. Baggage

Your quondam relationships didn’t work out for a reason. Taking emotional baggage from them onto future ones is not only toxic for your mental health, but also be terribly unjust for your current/potential partner.

You’ll not only be riddled with self-doubt and paranoia, but also be prone to comparing your current partner to the previous one. No two people are the same; instead of harping on the traits your current boyfriend doesn’t have, think about the ones he possess and be appreciative.

Just because your ex-boyfriend cheated on you, doesn’t mean the next guy will do the same. If you don’t give potential love interests the benefit of the doubt, you’re not giving them or yourself a fair chance.

3. Two People Shouldn’t Become One

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t remain as individuals. Your partner should be a part of your life, not all of it. Being interdependent, whilst necessary in a healthy relationship, should be practised in small doses. Your worlds should revolve alongside, not around, each other.

Recognise your aspirations and work towards them while supporting your other half with his. You can still be the woman behind your successful man without compromising your values and social life. With the right balance, you can have girly nights out and alone time with your partner without suffocating each other with overdependence. Having your own space will also give you more conversation topics when you get together.

4. The “I Can Do Better” Mentality

Many of us are guilty of this. When arguments arise, we might think—‘maybe I can do better’ or ‘I can find someone else who will treat me better’. When you think that the grass is always greener on the other side, your mind and/or heart will start to wander elsewhere in search for something ‘better’.

It’s a matter of choice. If you want the relationship to succeed, it’s your decision to work through the problems you have, together. Escaping the root of the problem by looking at external sources of comfort may turn into a vicious habit. Regardless of how frustrated you are, or how close you’ve come to giving up, remember that there’ll always be a Mr. More-Perfect out there. Greed is insatiable, be careful how much you feed it.

5. Love Alone Isn’t Enough

As visceral as your love is for each other, that isn’t enough to keep a relationship afloat. Lack of communication, distrust and inability to compromise are just a few things that could tear two people apart.

Entering a relationship and assuming love is enough to sustain it is naive. There are a multitude of factors that come into play when you’re attempting to maintain a relationship—communication, trust, mutual respect, the list goes on. If love is enough, couples wouldn’t break up as fast as a Facebook status change.

Also read:

7 Couples Who Became Lovers After Being Best Friends Share Their Story

6. He’s The Only Reason You’re Happy

Having a partner should be a bonus in your life, not the answer to your happiness. You shouldn’t be relying on someone else to make you happy. Giving someone full authority to determine your happiness level is unrealistic, and destructive for your emotional health too.

If you give him the power to build the bridge in your life, he can also take it down. Be emotionally independent because you are the driver of your own happiness.

7. Ungrateful Tendencies

It’s terribly easy to get comfortable after the honeymoon phase. While there are perks, we tend to take things for granted. We let our guard down, and become complacent. That’s where things might go downhill due to self-entitlement and unmet expectations.

Be thankful for the little things your partner does. No, he’s not obliged to take you out to dinners, or go to flea markets with you every week just because he’s your boyfriend. If he takes time off to go on dates with you, be appreciative—better yet, tell him how much you value his gestures.

8. You Don’t Know What You Want

It takes time to assess who we are as individuals. Different stages in life warrants different needs and wants. This is exceptionally crucial when you are a work-in-progress; still in the midst of figuring yourself out. Getting involved with someone before determining who you are as a person isn’t wise.

What you want in a partner now could differ drastically in the near future. If you’re not certain about what you want in your SO, you may end up running in circles, undecided about who or what makes you happy.

9. Lust Ain’t Love

Decision-making doesn’t come easy when our hormones are surging. You may trick yourself into thinking you want a romantic relationship, when in fact, you’re just horny. And young. And curious. Yes there are tons of hot people around, but sexual compatibility alone won’t solve the real problems like whether you guys can ever decide where to eat for dinner.

10. We Bolt When Things Get Hard

Healthy relationships take time and effort to nurture on a constant basis; they don’t just happen. When times are difficult, we may be tempted to give up. But deciding if we should fight harder or let go can be a dilemma.

As Bob Marley said, “everyone is going to hurt you, you just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Being supportive and physically/emotionally there for your other half when times are hard is a challenging task. But when done right, it paves the way for a strong, long-lasting relationship.

Finding The One

We’re all searching for someone to share our life with. The one person who appreciates our quirks, finds immense pleasure in making us laugh and sees perfection within our imperfections.

It might take a little more time, effort and mental strength for some to find their Mr. Right. But even if there’s a special someone out there for us, it all boils down to a matter of choice—to what extent we’re willing to work through the issues and make our partner permanent in our lives.

This article was first published on 9 December 2016 and last updated on 21 January 2024.

Also read:

Dating Coach in Singapore Shares 17 Secrets To Improving Your Romantic Life

The post 10 Reasons Why Childhood Sweethearts & First Relationships Rarely Last appeared first on ZULA.sg.

21st century millennials aka the ‘strawberry generation’ have been labelled as idealists. While some believe that our generation can create real change in the world, others think we bruise easily, are unattached, self-consumed and entitled.

We’ve all heard stories from our parents; how they could only afford porridge and soy sauce for meals. Or how their journey to school was comparable to our 2.4km run. Times were hard, but I believe the advancement of our era also brings a different kind of stress our parents may not understand.

Do our said ‘entitled mannerisms’ cause our fears to differ that much today?

Here’s what 20 millennials think:

Their biggest fears fall into three main categories.

Direction

Probably the fear of not being able to live the life I envisioned for myself. I feel like adulthood hits you like a truck, and suddenly you’re left clueless about what you are to do next.
Ra, 23

I mainly have two areas in which fear arises, with one being the fear of an unknown future. As a student who is graduating from university soon, I’m afraid I won’t be able to find a fulfilling job I’ll enjoy. My second fear is losing a loved one, especially my dad. It’s terrifying how someone’s life can be easily taken away.
Damien, 23

My biggest fear is mediocrity, leading a mundane life–get a 9-6 job, save for a BTO, get married and have a family. With a lot more young entrepreneurs making successes these days, there’s a lot of pressure to stand out from the norm and not become one of those who fall into routines.
Jim, 26

I’m afraid I’ve gotten so used to the life my parents have given me, that any type of adjustments would come as a massive shock. I’m very thankful for them and the efforts they’ve put into raising my sister and I, but I guess fearing that I won’t ‘make it’ in life worries me a lot.
Celeste, 27

I’m afraid of letting people in 100%, in fear of having them trample all over my vulnerabilities. I’m afraid of trusting friends who turn out to be superficial people… I’m afraid of never feeling like I fit in anywhere in this fast-paced modern society because people always peg me to be someone I’m not.
Vanessa, 20

As a millennial in his mid-twenties who’s already exhausted, I fear what my thirties would look like. Part of me worries that the future could just be me hustling like how I do now, except I’ve reached the threshold limit for exhaustion–I’m zombified.
Tom, 25

I’m afraid to lose myself from being engrossed with chasing my goals. Personally, losing myself means forgetting about my personal values and beliefs, that I’m a person with a right to love and be loved. Or even hurting and forgetting about the people who care about me.
Elena, 24

With the high prices of houses and cars, I’m afraid I won’t be able to afford a house. I know there’s the option of BTO, but given the choice, I’d prefer not to live in a HDB flat. I’m not saying HDB is a bad thing, I actually think the housing scheme is doing Singaporeans good. I’d just prefer to live in a more comfortable place.
Justin, 25

Also read:

Why Millennials Like Me Don’t Want Children, And It’s Not About Money

Security

Being unable to afford marriage, a house and to provide for my family and parents. A part of me feels like I shouldn’t have to worry about such things, but how can I not? Singapore is getting increasingly expensive to live in. Jobs are getting cut and times are looking bad. I hope things get better soon.
Ming Terk, 27

I’d say securing a job. Education has become more readily available and more people are becoming educated. Having a degree no longer guarantees a job. Furthermore, with companies not hesitating to hire foreign talent in a bid to cut costs, the job market is even more competitive.
Nick, 30

An insular world. We might just be at the precipice of the tipping point when the global trend regresses from globalisation to insularity. It would be such a shame if all the progress we have made as a human race be rewinded 20-30 years, and ultimately realise our stereotype as the ‘Me’ generation.
Hakim, 26

Not having any purpose in life, with no motivation to wake up in the morning. I wouldn’t know what to do if I felt like I didn’t have a purpose in life; it’s far too important to me.
Kyla, 24

Waking up one morning to realise there’s no one I want to send a good morning text to anymore. And it doesn’t just apply to my significant other; but my parents, sister and closest friends as well. It might not be an issue of whether they’re alive and well, but whether they remain in my life in the years to come.
Kaiying, 24

I have this fear of not loving and appreciating the people and things around me enough. We move too fast these days with work and everything else that catches on with age.
Jessica, 23

That I’ll be 40 and still living with my parents. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to afford a flat, can you imagine that? Not being able to afford public housing. My future husband might also have to come live with my parents and I. Unless he’s loaded or has a high paying job, our combined salaries probably won’t get us far. Let’s not even get started on owning a car and being able to support kids.
Natalie, 24

I fear being consumed by my job to a point where my other ambitions are suffocated. In a country like Singapore, it’s easy to be sucked into your job and lose sight of everything else.
James, 28

Financial stability. Money is everything, no matter what people say–love, health, etc. Without money, you can’t buy healthcare and you have to work extra hard. Who has time for relationships when that happens?
Maryann, 25

Health

Losing my mind and consciousness. That means losing the magic to do anything you want. My grandmother has dementia. After looking at how it affects everyone around her, I realised how important health is.
Luke, 26

I can’t imagine seeing my parents’ health getting stripped away from them. Watching them age is a terrifying process. I fear the day I lose them to a terminal illness or watch them suffer a slow, painful death.
Vanessa, 24

This may be superficial, but one of my greatest fears is ageing physically. I can’t imagine looking in the mirror to see a face full of wrinkles. I’m a very visual person who values my appearance. Seeing myself deteriorate physically would just eat away at me–#BotoxFTW. And it’s not just in terms of beauty. What if one day my legs cease to function, and it takes me ages to get myself from one side of the room to the other?! I hope that day never comes.
Rachel, 22

We’re In This Together

We strive for a job that we’re passionate about or attempt to build one from scratch. We visit the most talked-about food markets, and travel as much as possible. But even if our Instagram timeline is filled with wanderlust photos, we’re still perturbed by the fundamental necessities life demands from us.

Despite the many #firstworldproblems we face, it’s healthy to remind ourselves that at least we have basic human rights, education and safety in this part of the world.

And as odd as it sounds, there is some comfort in knowing that there are at least 20 others who are equally scared as we are.

This article was first published on 5 December 2016 and last updated on 22 September 2023. 

Also read: 

Singaporean Millennials Discuss Why They Abstain From Premarital Sex

The post We Asked 20 Singaporean Millennials About Their Biggest Fears in Life appeared first on ZULA.sg.

When bae steals your heart, this is how you can get back at him.

Go straight for his after-shave balm that doubles as a makeup primer, or his cologne so he’ll follow you wherever you go.

1. After-shave balm as a primer

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YouTube beauty guru Nikkie de Jager discovered that her boyfriend’s Nivea Men Sensitive Post Shave Balm can be used as a makeup primer. The key in the formula is Glycerine—an ingredient that retains moisture and helps makeup stick better.

2. Protein shake

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Most meal replacements marketed for girls actually share the same components as protein powder that men take. And no, protein isn’t the cause of Olympia-sized muscles. Without sufficient protein, exercise recovery takes longer, and you’ll experience more fatigue and muscle soreness.

3. Styptic pencil for zits

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Traditionally used by guys to stop razor cut bleeds, this medicated stick contains alum which contracts blood vessels and tightens pores. Hence, it will come in handy for zits that won’t stop bleeding when you pop them.

4. Clean razors for better precision

Men’s razors have tightly packed blades that give a closer shave. Smaller heads help get to the tricky areas (knees, joint areas) easily. Say goodbye to overpriced female shavers!

5. His statement watch

Does your boyfriend have an impressive collection of watches? Play it to your advantage. Layer his watch with your bracelets, or wear it alone as a statement piece. Trés chic!

6. Oversized blazer

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There’s something charming about androgynous pieces with oversized sleeves rolled up to your forearm. Wear it with a dress, over leggings or jeans—the possibilities are endless.

7. Cologne to be reminded of him

Your body contains far more receptors for the sense of smell (at least 1,000) than it does for sight and touch (around 4). Our sense of smell is linked to a primitive part of the brain associated with emotions and memory so wearing his cologne will make you feel closer to him. Not to mention, it lasts longer as compared to women’s perfume.

8. White button-down shirt

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If he has a bigger frame than you, achieve that effortless “hopped-out-of-bed” look with his white button-down shirt. Pair with distressed jeans for a casual day out, or a pencil skirt for work.

9. Deodorant stick to prevent chafing

Deodorant can help girls who experience chafing between their thighs, especially in Singapore’s hot and humid weather all-year round. The deodorant acts as a protective layer and prevents your skin from rubbing against itself. Alternatively, use it as a traditional deodorant for extra staying power.

10. Wallets

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Men’s wallets are usually slimmer so it fits better in our tiny evening handbags—perfect for a night out with girlfriends.

11. Junk food

Because every Singaporean knows free things taste better. The boys always have a wider range of snacks stashed in their cupboards.

12. Boxers/Exercise shorts

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Boxers, especially silk ones, make the most comfortable sleeping shorts. Ever. We also like how men’s running shorts usually come with pockets and a larger inner-netting that doesn’t suffocate us like a second underwear. Their clothes are usually made from a utility perspective and not just for fancy designs *cough* fake pockets *cough*.

Sharing Is Caring

While there’s nothing like having a piece of your boyfriend with you, don’t forget to return their items at the end of the day!

The post 12 Things to Steal from Your Boyfriend Besides His Hoodie appeared first on ZULA.sg.

What if we took that leap of faith? We could be living in our very own fairy tale.

I still catch myself thinking about you. I make guesses about what you could possibly be doing given how well I knew your schedule. I wonder if you received the promotion you worked so hard for. I wonder if your parents are doing okay, and if your new partner is treating you right.

It’s been well over a year since we parted ways at the gates of the departure hall at Perth International Airport. All those arguments and sleepless nights led up to that moment—the last time we’d ever get to see each other.

You wore a navy blue coat with black buttons that ran through the middle; I’ve always liked that coat, it complements your shoulders. I noticed how clean the coat was, you must’ve used the lint roller—something you’d only do on special occasions.

I grasped firmly onto my red passport, heart racing, not knowing what to do or what to say. You stood in front of me, shoulders slouched, defeated. Our eyes were fixated on each other but no one said a word. With one last hug and a stalled kiss, you watched as I walked through the departure door.

Sure, we still check on each other occasionally with obligatory greetings over New Year’s Eve or Christmas, and most recently my birthday. Our exchanges are always in an awkwardly reserved manner for two souls who once shared a history.

Our conversations are brief, as if we’re on a race against time. You’d tell me you’re doing well and drown the conversation with smiley face emoticons, but you were always good at putting on a facade. It makes me wonder if you were overcompensating for something. Or if your happiness was contrary to the number of emoticons you used in a span of five minutes.

The Good Ol’ Days

I still remember you took us on adventures, places I had never been to—we explored the suburbs, piers and beaches. You held no reservations showing off your city to the keen-eyed, international student I was.

We developed routines the way couples do; one which involved late night drives to KFC. You’d instinctively order a large popcorn chicken because you loved the way I devoured them like a starved 12-year-old.

It didn’t take long for you to take me home to meet your parents. In fact, I suspected you were looking forward to it. I was a nervous wreck, and you loved me for that. I remember smoothing the creases on my shirt and adjusting my jeans; prepping myself one last time before stepping into the house as if one less crease would make your parents more fond of me.

You were ashamed of your past. Despite so, you fought against the odds you assumed weren’t in your favour. Unbeknownst to yourself, it unravelled a part of you that you never thought was there—a gentle giant who found his muse. No one would’ve guessed that the bully back in high school, infamous for his playboy tendencies, had a hopeless romantic side to him.

Being a 21st century Giacomo Casanova, you made girls swoon when they saw how far you’d go to make me happy. Despite how exhausted you were from a day’s work, you’d deliver Pad-thai from our favourite Thai restaurant to my doorstep. And for no apparent reason, we’d get chocolate high-tea for dinner at Koko Black—“you deserve it,” you said.

You made such drastic changes to the way you dealt with relationships that your family and friends could hardly believe the person you had become. You were once a juvenile boy who approached relationships in a lacklustre manner. But you made me feel like I was all you wanted, all you needed; that on some mornings, I was your motivation to get out of bed.

You became the kind of guy who’d plan an Easter egg hunt in your backyard because I had never experienced one before, then take photos of me hop around in your oversized t-shirt. You’d take us on scenic drives because you knew how much I loved the salty breeze in my hair; while my eyes were set on the view, yours were on me.

Who could forget breakfast-in-bed every Sunday? Your alarm clock would be set at 6.00am for rowing training. You’d return, slightly exhausted from the physical demands, then whip up breakfast for us. Scrambled eggs (an extra poached egg for me, because you spoil me), bacon and wholemeal toast—all while I’m tucked in your bed under the soft duvet.

It would only be fitting for this love story to take a tragic turn. This is where things headed straight for the downward spiral, and I claim full responsibility for it.

I let myself take you for granted, and in the process, lost respect for you. I tore apart your sanguine nature and got used to receiving while you did all the giving. We got into numerous fights—ones so petty I can’t recall what they were about. It was always you being the problem solver who tried to fix things, only to be confronted with my contemptuous behaviour.

I’m sorry for the monotonous one-liners I gave in response to your heartfelt declarations of love. I’m sorry for telling you I didn’t want to see you just days before you were bound for Singapore to visit my parents and me.

I’m sorry for starting a massive fight during our road trip to Busselton. I did so just because I thought I could. Your intentions were pure, as always, wanting nothing more but to show me a good time—you always planned the best getaways.

You did everything you could, and more. I was selfish and wholly undeserving of you.

I knew what ruined our relationship. We both did. I could’ve been more supportive of your decisions, more grateful for the little things. I could’ve expressed my unwavering affection for you, taken steps to show you I wanted this as much as you did; except I didn’t.

You had the biggest of hearts and forgave me. You longed to give it another shot—“I know how sorry you are and won’t let history repeat itself. Let’s get it right this time.” And so did I. I wanted to make things right, treat you the way you deserved to be treated, but I was too afraid of making the same mistakes.

Time To Let Go

Sometimes we have to do what is right, not what is easy. As much as we yearned for each other, we knew we had to call things off. We fell too hard too soon, it felt like it was us against the world. That unpragmatic way of thinking doesn’t sustain relationships, and it certainly didn’t preserve ours.

Perhaps we aren’t The One for each other but are stepping stones that would lead us to them. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. In this instance, we’d learn from our mistakes and grow from them. You’d continue giving knowing you deserve to receive just as much; while I’d learn to appreciate and not take anyone for granted.

Thank you for embracing my unhealthy obsession with scented candles, and assuring me my craft-making skills are top notch (they aren’t). For giving me the fluffy pillows, while you settled for the flat, uncomfortable ones.

Thank you for being my pillar of strength, my best friend and confidante. Thank you for showering me with your unconditional love. You are entitled to nothing but the best, and I hope you’ve found her.

The post An Open Letter to The One That Got Away appeared first on ZULA.sg.