Like many millennials around the world, Singaporeans are also facing dating app fatigue. 

This is me saying goodbye… to that rush as a not-so-handsome stranger who looks nothing like his photo, touches my leg and laughs at something mediocre which leaves my lips. This is me saying goodbye to wondering how many other dates he has been on this week and if he will disappear from my Whatsapp and life, when this night comes to an end.
—Rose Goodman, Thought Catalog: This Is Me Saying Goodbye To Modern Dating

Like many good inventions, dating apps seem to fill a void. They allow for flirting where the pain of rejection can be contained within your phone screen. 

The avocado toast of dating apps, Tinder, seemed to revolutionise dating with its two-swipes-make-a-match feature—if you matched, it must mean you have chemistry and would hit it off right? 

No more pub crawling to hook up; no more awkward speed dating; no more guessing games. Or that’s what dating apps seemed to promise. 

But things went south quickly. I try to understand from dating-app natives why they are feeling the dating-app burnout. 

Nicholas went on nearly 100 dates and found no one suitable

Nicholas, a third-year university student, lingered on dating apps for a good 5 years. Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel,  Tinder; he tried them all.

The 24-year-old has been on close to a hundred dates but the experience felt more like Sierra Burgess is a Loser than 500 Days of Summer. 

He cites being catfished as one of the main reasons why online dating is tiresome. 

“Girls know the right angles to take, but in reality, they look different.”

He’s quick to admit that looks do matter. “Looks open the door, but personality keeps you there.” Nicholas continues to tell me about how many girls were a disappointment on the first date. 

One ate fried chicken like a starving wolf while still craving for the cheese that topped another patron’s chicken. He internally facepalmed and decided not to see her again.

He explains that sometimes, candidates that seem intelligent while texting turn out to be a total flop IRL. “Bimbotic girls turn me off.”   

Once, a girl even asked him, “How does it feel to be catfished?” Inside, he was thinking, “But you are the one catfishing me what!”

He also got tired of people stalking his Instagram and deciding he is an F-boy before getting to know his romantic side. His pictures are an F-boy 101 starter pack but that is because he needs to hustle for his modelling career.

He once tried to be an F-boy on Tinder, matching with girls to show them a good time without strings attached, but eventually he chickened out. 

In an act of sobriety, he hit delete on all his dating apps, “I’m tired of dating; my career comes first.”   

Kelly’s Tinder matches just wanted to hook up

Source

Nineteen-year-old Kelly’s* friend installed Tinder for her. At first, she was thrilled at the number of boys she could meet. Now, she tells me she is about to delete the app again for the second time.

“Fatigue usually sets in when you have certain expectations and they are not met.” 

What she didn’t expect was how many guys just wanted to get into her pants. 

One of the best dates she went on was with a 30-year-old business manager of a beauty brand. They chatted till late, admiring the view from One Fullerton on their first date. 

When it came to date 3, he suggested eating near his house.

After dinner, he floated the idea of going to his house. She kindly declined, asking,“I thought we were going for ice cream?”

However, at some point, she needed to use the restroom and the only toilet available was at his place. She told him, “Promise not to rape me,” before agreeing to enter his door. After which, she requested, “Can you sit 1 metre away from me?”

The date ended with her picking out 3 of her favourite shades from a box of lipsticks as souvenirs. But he lost interest gradually after realising she wasn’t looking for friends with benefits. 

Sometimes, she would meet guys from Tinder spontaneously before having an extended chat with them. After spending 20 minutes with one of those matches, she realised they didn’t have chemistry.

“He was damn basic; wearing a Champion T-shirt, Stan Smiths and making lame jokes, wasting my time.” 

Luckily, her best friend was waiting nearby in case the date flopped and she was activated to come to her rescue.

“I told him, ‘I’m supposed to meet my friend and she ended work early.” 

The date ended early too. 

Also read:

We Are More In Love With The Idea Of Love Than The Person We Are With

Kelly learnt that inviting a Tinder match to staycation is not a good idea

Kelly admits that sometimes she sends the wrong signals to guys, such as inviting them to a staycation. 

Her friends had booked her a room at Studio M Hotel for her birthday, and she just wanted to meet a guy for dinner.

After dinner, he came into her room and started taking off his pants. She got a shock and explained that it was not what she was looking for. They ended up lying down next to each other and going to sleep without sexual contact, “It was weird.”

She attributes dating app fatigue to the sheer amount of guys available. 

“At first, you are excited because you can meet so many guys. But after you chat with a number, you realise you cannot focus. And then you focus on one and they disappear.” 

Hisham feels that there is too much upselling on Tinder

Hisham*, 25, knows that dating apps are an upselling game. 

“I matched with someone who used hot pics of herself from 5 years ago and let’s just say, she looks way different now. In isolation, it wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker but her personality was so boring, I ghosted her.”

After 4 months of swiping, matching and zhng-ing his profile, he’s throwing in the towel.

“There’s a limit to the amount of what’s-your-favourite-TV-show questions a guy can take daily before he breaks.”

He knows that dating apps are a game of constantly trying to beat the competition. “I think the implicit reality of dating apps is that it’s the 80% chasing after the top 20%.”

 “After a while, it gets tiring lah. Like you ‘win’ the battle but at what cost? People who only like an idealised version of you?”

Dating App Fatigue Experienced By Singaporeans

Dating apps seem to offer us love like a buffet spread. Pick and try the dish you like and if you don’t fancy it, toss it away for something else. 

However, we often forget that we are all humans looking for love and validation. And of course, sometimes our sexual desires get the better of us. 

For better or worse, dating apps are here to stay. 

We can only control how we choose to use them and to spell out what we are looking for. There are other avenues to look for love that have been overshadowed by these apps in recent years. But our fatigue is teaching us to embrace them again. 

Ask a friend to introduce you to potential mates or slide into each others’ DMs. 

But to dispel the potentially awkward catfishing, maybe it’s best if we started chatting each other up at the bar once again.

Cover photo by Asher Mak.
This article was first published on 22 July 2019 and last updated on 6 January 2024.

Also read:

12 Dating App Horror Stories Told By SG Millennials

The post Dating App Fatigue: Young Singaporeans Who Are All Swiped Out On Tinder Share Their Stories appeared first on ZULA.sg.

“My friend’s sister, Valerie, didn’t know she was pregnant for the entire 9 months. Then 3 days later, she gave birth,” my colleague said to my disbelieving face.

Hearing this broke my brain. I thought stories of undetected, surprise pregnancies were the stuff of internet legend. How could a person not feel a human being moving and growing inside of them? And this happened in Singapore?

“Oh, and she was 20 when it happened. The baby’s father is Malay Muslim, and she’s Chinese Christian. Now, she’s 28 and they’re married.”

Valerie’s story is a story of how love overcomes all. But it is neither a fairy tale nor a romance epic.

Rather, it’s the story of how she almost broke up with the love of her life, until the surprise pregnancy and birth of their first daughter eventually brought them back together.

Dating Danial and learning she was pregnant

Danial and Valerie, 10 years ago and now

Valerie and Danial first met at Ngee Ann Polytechnic’s RED Camp in 2008. The two initially didn’t get along and lost touch when Danial dropped out of poly to pursue a private degree.

A few months later, the pair reconnected after a chance meeting at ION Orchard’s Uniqlo. Over McDonald’s study dates and midnight Facebook chats, their friendship blossomed into romance. However, Danial was involved with several other girls while they were dating.

“At 18, my view of love was just about giving my all to that person, even if it meant sacrificing myself in the process. It’s a lot about the feeling the person gives you.”

“Dan was someone who carried a lot of emotional baggage. But I kept allowing him to come back into my life because I saw his soft and vulnerable side,” she explains.

A strained 1 year and 9 months later, Valerie decided to call it quits. It was then she discovered she was pregnant.

The kicker: three days after she learnt she was expecting, Valerie gave birth to Nasya, a healthy 2.97kg baby girl.

Deciding to raise Nasya alone

Nasya at age 7 (left), as a baby (right)

It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call Nasya a “miracle baby”.

A clinic test and two home tests had turned out negative. With no pregnancy symptoms or obvious baby bump, her doctor had dismissed Valerie’s lack of period as ‘chronic gastric’.

Valerie’s parents were shocked but welcomed the birth of their first grandchild. However, Danial’s family didn’t react well; his father was vehemently against the idea of his teenage son bringing up a baby.

So, at 20, Valerie decided to raise Nasya alone.

Part of the reason was that the new parents’ turbulent relationship had made Valerie doubt if Danial was ready to commit. If they were to marry, she wanted to make sure it was for love.

“When we had Nasya, Dan was only 19. At that age, it’s not easy for most guys to quickly understand what it is to be a father.”

“I didn’t want to force Dan to marry me just because we had a child. I didn’t want us to look back and regret that we got married too early, and to blame each other or the kids.”

More importantly, the new mother was determined to create a better future for her daughter. Previously, love to her meant a series of emotionally-charged actions. Now, love was about “thinking properly first” and making fewer mistakes.

“I realised you don’t have to be with a person to love them because loving someone is not about possessing them, but understanding and giving them what they need at that time in their life.”

“Choosing not to be with him was my way of loving him. By giving him space and time to grow, I felt he could maybe find happiness with someone else.”

Also read:

How To Know When To Breakup With The Person You Love By Someone Who Recently Did

Realising Danial was a changed man

Danial and Nasya playing (left), Danial carrying Noelle (right)

For the first two years of Nasya’s life, Valerie only texted Dan to update him about Nasya. They met on weekends when Valerie snuck Nasya out of the house without her parents’ knowledge.

In 2013, Valerie’s mum unexpectedly invited Danial over to their home for Christmas. That was when Valerie noticed Danial had become a changed person.

He had learnt to control his temper and communicate more effectively. He also became more involved in their family life by doing chores such as preparing Nasya’s milk powder and staying by Nasya’s bedside till she fell asleep.

Unbeknownst to her, the thought of Nasya calling someone else “Daddy” had weighed heavily on his mind. It was this unsettling feeling that motivated his transformation.

“When Dan came back, I felt it was no longer just me working hard for the relationship. Before, I really felt like I was trying to love a kid. Now, it’s more like I’m loving a man who is trying his best to love me.”

On her 23rd birthday, Dan proposed and Valerie happily said “yes”.

Changing Her View On Love

Three years after their wedding, Valerie and Danial felt Nasya was ready to be an older sister. In 2018, their second daughter, Noelle, was born.

“Having kids is a testimony of your love. I think our love matured and became different because he became a man. And I wanted to make a family with this man.”

“In the two years without seeing Dan, I picked myself up again and learnt to love myself first. That helped me love him better because we stopped hurting each other unnecessarily, and doing things that were for the sake of our own pride.”

Turning to Danial, Valerie adds, “I hope 60 years down the road, we will still be cheeky with each other.”

“It’s not about how long we’re married, but remembering why we got together in the first place, and there’s no other person I can see myself spending my life with.”

“And that’s why love is more of a choice than a feeling lor!”

Watch the full video here:

All images are courtesy of Valerie Cheng.
This article was first published on 1 February 2019 and last updated on 16 October 2023.

Also read:

This Mother Of 4 Shares How Her Teenage Pregnancy & Breastfeeding Struggles Led To Her Breast Pump Business

The post How A Surprise Pregnancy At 20 Brought Us Back Together appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Some best friends call themselves lucky to be in love, while others would gargle mouthwash if they ever came close to kissing. Perhaps, to love a best friend is merely a fleeting childhood pact if “we’re 30 and single”, like the oaths we make as we trace our names in the sand.

But, my reality pivots between the two. After all, I got together with the guy I described as the last person I’d date.

He was a stranger I met at our mutual friend’s birthday party nine years ago when we sat at opposite ends of the communal table. He wasn’t particularly handsome, but his smile lit up the room–wide like a Cheshire cat’s, with cheek dimples and crinkles by his eyes.

He was the same guy who recognised me from the party when we bumped into each other in town one night. The first words he ever spoke to me were “you okay?” as he thought I seemed down, so I explained I had a rough day.

For the next six years after, that stranger became my best friend and schoolmate until we got together in 2015.

While not all friends make great partners, I wish my 17-year-old self knew what to look for in a man.

He was the one who was there for my graduation, and when I got my heart first broken. The one who wiped my mucus away, and picked me up from parties at 3.00am to send me home safely.

We’d spend nights watching movies at his place, and I’d spend school breaks urging him to get girls’ numbers. My best friend never found love, and I occasionally wondered if he was gay.

Yet, despite how close we were, he was never my boyfriend because he wasn’t my ‘type’.

How my opinion on love changed

You see, I had a long-term boyfriend and a different opinion of love back then.

I thought love was having butterflies in the pit of my stomach; the shaky hands while waiting for a text back; the all-encompassing will to stand by your partner’s foolish ways.

But the truth is, I didn’t love or understand myself enough so I was constantly strung along by infatuation that gave me a false sense of security. Only years later did I realise that we can only find good men when we find the good parts of ourselves.

And many times, you have to look past a man’s fancy suit, status, or tattoos, to know what he’s made of.

Bad boys offer drama and grand romantic gestures which our younger selves often confuse for love. They are exciting to date and are usually trophy boyfriends to parade around so you feel less insecure about yourself.

But, their man-child antics will kill your brain cells. You’ll get addicted to their highest highs and lowest lows until you learn to appreciate the stable, consistent love good men have to offer.

Good guys offer thoughtfulness, companionship, and ‘boring’ comfort. They’re the ones you call when you need to rant and give you good advice on what to do next. They might not splurge on 99 roses to pacify you, but they’ll buy sanitary pads if you need them.

When you ask your best guy friend if you look good in a dress, they might say unromantic things like “You look like shit” because they love you for who you are, and not how you look.

And due to their nonchalance, many girls often fall for more ‘experienced’ guys (read: F-boys) who should list ‘Courting Girls’ as a skill in their resume. These ‘experienced’ guys are the ones who know how to romance girls, who serve to stroke their ego in return.

So what if the bad boy is 175-cm tall and gorgeous, but lacks the maturity to handle a fight? What if he has a high-flying career, but treats you like a second option because he can’t settle? What if he says he wants to change the world, but can’t even do the dishes?

What if he’s rich but stingy? What if he’s nice to you, but scolds the delivery rider for not packing chopsticks? What if he treats his mother like shit—an age-old sign of how he might eventually treat you?

Who you are is who you allow yourself to keep in your inner circle.

Never forget how to be friends

And even if you choose a good man, you should never forget how to be friends with your partner. Because most times, friendships last longer than relationships do.

Friends talk about their day, while partners expect to be heard. Friends like each other, while partners slowly dislike each other’s bad habits that used to be their cute quirks.

True friends don’t gossip behind each other’s backs, they fix fractured relationships in private. True friends know when and how to let go because people don’t own people.

Pictured: with my mum’s precious ‘grandchild’ (our dog).

So how did he break out of the ‘friendzone’? He finally made a move, and I finally stayed #woke.

Maybe our ‘friendzone’ was merely an imaginary bubble. We enjoyed being friends so much that a romantic relationship wasn’t something ‘more’ to strive for. Or perhaps, we just feared the risk of ruining our friendship.

When he confessed his feelings for me on the plane back to Singapore after our road trip in Australia, I told him I wasn’t ready. But I figured if I were to take a chance with anyone, I’d be a fool if I didn’t consider the kindest, most selfless man I could trust.

I made a paradigm shift in my understanding of love, and in turn, saw him differently each time he kissed his mum to say goodbye, and stopped the car to help a man on the street.

Pain and inconsistency made me appreciate comfort and stability, and foolish mistakes made me appreciate wiser choices.

I decided if I were to be with a man, he would have to be better than my best friend. And, I couldn’t think of anyone who could fill his shoes.

Both My Love And My Best Friend

As we grow up, we often choose partners for practicality which is why some girls date older, more established men. With dating apps, it’s also tempting to constantly aim ‘higher’ with each swipe.

But at the end of our journey, all which remain are the memories we make. And I hope when my time comes, I’ll be able to say I had a damn good life growing up with someone who was always there, rather than pining for ‘The One’ who I wished was.

So, if nice guys are said to finish ‘last’, I’d be glad if it’s true.

The post I Fell In Love With My Best Friend Of 9 Years And Here’s Why I Hope Nice Guys Finish ‘Last’ appeared first on ZULA.sg.