The saying “blood is thicker than water” suggests that no matter what happens, family relationships are the strongest. While that might be the case for some, not everyone is born into a family with a healthy relationship as the default. 

During a previous episode of Ask Zula, John, a media creative, opened up about the relationship struggles he has with his family ‒ particularly regarding the one with his mum. Having lived together for 30 years, John shared how it affected his mental health growing up, and the steps he took to improve. Here, he shares his story.

Relationship with mum growing up 

Kids are curious by nature and sometimes, their curiosity would cause trouble and scoldings from their parents. This was exactly the case for John. 

“As a Catholic family, we went to church every Sunday and I remembered being caned every time we got home. My mum was angry because my younger brother and I were noisy and fooled around at church. Over time, we actually expected the caning to happen by the time we reached home,” John shared.

John explained that at that age, it was hard to control himself as he was “excited about everything.”

“As a result, I grew to fear the entire church experience, to the extent that I didn’t even want to go to church. It caused me to prepare for the worst, and eventually led to me tiptoeing around my mum and becoming defensive.”

In the end, any little noise John made would cause him to look out for his mum’s reaction as he was afraid to get scolded by her. 

His fear wasn’t exclusive to church either. “Because of how I was aware of every little thing, I shielded and guarded myself when I was around my family. It made me wonder if home was a safe space for rest and comfort, because it didn’t feel like it in my case,” John continued. 

Growing up, John noticed how the incidents led him to become a chronic liar so he wouldn’t get an earful from his mother. Over time, this became habitual and subconsciously built to become part of his personality. However, as integrity is something John held high, he hated the fact that he wasn’t able to live up to it at home.

“I felt that whenever I gave an answer or was asked about something, I got questioned for my actions. In the end, my instinctive response was to get irritated. My thoughts would spiral and I would think of reasons to defend myself, especially if there were follow up questions.”

As a matter of fact, John even felt like his family members became allies when it came to matters of finance and provision, while they were never on his side for emotional support. 

Getting verbally abused and opening a private bank account

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Nothing changed even when John became a legal adult. When he was around 21 years old, a misunderstanding related to the money in his shared bank account caused his mother to lash out at him. 

“The verbal abuse went on for so long that I started to doubt my reality. It made me wonder if I really did spend the money when I actually didn’t. For about 3 hours, my mum was telling me how I was a failure and I couldn’t handle money properly,” John recalled. 

At that time, John felt so helpless to the extent that he even contemplated self-harm. 

“I took a knife and started to cut my clothes and bedsheets that were near me. I was so explosive and I didn’t know what to do. Since my mum barged into my room, I was cornered and there was no other way to back out. That was when I was closest to losing it.” 

Ever since that incident, anything related to money like insurance or savings would cause John to feel traumatised. The first step of action he wanted to take was to open an additional bank account without his mum’s knowledge. 

“Even then, I wouldn’t be able to share that fact with her. It felt like once she questioned me about the bank account, I wouldn’t know what to say. My hateful and vengeful emotions surfaced whenever she asked me about my finance. I was simply triggered easily.”

When John actually told his mum about how he felt, she turned to blackmail him emotionally instead. Accusations of doubting her intentions and guilt-trip comments such as being a “failure as a parent” were brought up.  

“That’s why I would rather not say things to her because I knew she would react this way and get offended. There were multiple instances that led to the way I am now and nothing I said felt right, or safe,” John admitted. 

Since no other family member stepped in to fix their familial breakdown, John found his mental health suffering over time.  

The toll on mental health

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Situations like these are undoubtedly mentally draining, especially when John wasn’t able to express how he felt. 

“I started to do things without considering how my family would feel. As someone who overthinks a lot, it takes me 2 to 3 hours to simmer down before I can even try to sleep every time an argument happens. It is detrimental to my physical health too if you think about it,” John shared.

It became so taxing that John’s approach was to be emotionally magnanimous so that he could “get over them faster”. He turned to accepting and agreeing with his mum on anything just so that he wouldn’t have to deal with the issue for a longer time. 

To let go of the steam and heal emotionally, John sought comfort through his friends and personal relationships. For him, those were his saving grace in maintaining his identity.     

“Thanks to them, I think I became more patient and kinder to people. In a way, I don’t get emotionally stretched outside. Being outside of home helps to rejuvenate my mental health and I get to adjust myself better for home,” John added. 

John was also grateful to his friends for understanding him and not being judgemental on days when he had family problems. On the other hand, it made him feel guilty about having to take time off from work to deal with the issues because technically, his family was not the traditional meaning of “broken”. Compared to other problems that people might face, John knows that his problems are rather trivial. 

“To be honest, a part of me feels lucky also, because not everyone is able to talk about their family issues easily,” John expressed. 

Also read:

Dealing With Anxiety Attacks & Feeling Detached From Reality, As Shared By A 21-Year-Old

Where his mother’s behaviour stems from

John and his younger brother when they were kids

Just like how a child mirrors their parents, John’s mother’s behaviour did not arise from nowhere. He believes that it might be attributed to his grandfather. 

“My grandfather was from a time when gender was not seen as equal. He was very much harsher on his daughters. Now that my mum has grown up, is away from the system and has found success, she still has the fire in her to fight very hard. As one of the more successful siblings, she also feels that she has the right to tell people off,” John elaborated. 

John shared that despite positive actions by his mum, rejecting them would even lead to accusations that left no room for negotiation. 

“One time, I came home after dinner and I was really full. But my mum made a tonic drink and wanted me to have it. Even though I told her that I was full from the meal, she couldn’t take no for an answer and questioned why I couldn’t even finish one drink.”

It became irritating to John as every contact with his mum would lead to emotional drainage, preventing him from being himself. In the end, it left John with only 2 options ‒ to give in to his mum or to completely avoid the situation. 

Eventually, John went with the latter option and most of the time, only returned home when his family was asleep. To him, his house was not a home.

Attempts to patch the relationship

John and his family out for a meal

Despite having a strained relationship, John still wanted to make things better. 

“I actually suggested getting professional help, but being the traditional boomer, my mum shot down the idea immediately. She thought our problems were not “serious” enough for us to seek help. And it made me think twice if I’m the one who was making a mountain out of a molehill.” 

While John bid farewell to the idea of his family receiving professional help, there was an incident which he felt made his mum realise what he had been going through. 

“I think it opened my mother’s eyes a bit more. After an argument, I told my mum that it might be inevitable for how I behaved because I am her son and that’s who I am. I said, “Maybe just like how you are gong gong’s daughter, you take after him and I take after you.” There are just things that can’t be changed.”

At that moment, John saw something different in his mum’s eyes. Perhaps a rare connection and a glimmer of hope for the relationships in his family to improve. 

“She was silent for a few seconds and it felt refreshing because for once after a long time, I felt that I was heard. But, the feeling didn’t last and my mum reverted back to her usual ways. However, it still showed that something I said must have touched my mum’s heart that time.”

Moving forward, John wants to be a person to “pull” his mum closer instead of pushing her away.

Finally moving out and future plans

 John’s room at his family house

While most of us have the freedom of chilling at any part of our house without a second thought, for John, his room is his only private space at home. As such, he had many thoughts about moving out while growing up. The only drawback? Finances. 

While John was still living with his family when the Ask Zula episode was filmed, he recently made the decision to move out and is currently living with 2 other housemates. His money worries were also slightly eased, as he revealed that he managed to negotiate for a promotion at work and of course, received a raise. 

“My super capable housemate, Chow, managed to get us a steal for the current house we are living in, in terms of rent. So everything just kind of came together,” John explained. 

When asked about whether his mental health has improved, John was delighted to share that he felt freer and more independent. 

“I discovered that I now enjoy doing things that I used to dread like waking up early to clean the house and to do my laundry. These might sound basic but because of how my parents kept such a tight grip around us, there was always an element of inadequacy or guilt that was so deep-seated.” 

As the saying goes: “better late than never,” and John is optimistic about his belated newfound freedom and space to grow independently. 

Relationship with family members today

John with his family 

Previously, with what John went through with his family, he felt “damaged” to not even have conversations with them. He would hide in his room and preserve his safe space, but now, things have changed for the better.  

“My dad is the good cop in the family and he’s someone you can have fun with. But, at the same time, he’s not exactly the pillar of support you can find. As for my younger brother, he is the exact opposite of me. Perhaps because of our differences, there’s also nothing much for us to talk about.”

Now that John has moved out, he feels that “the changes have been marginal but observable” since it has only been a month. 

“I can tell from the way we communicate that we are on better terms in general, and our topics are more lighthearted and less intense,” John shared.

As they say time heals all wounds, and it seems John’s relationship with his family can only get better from here on out. 

Advice for those who are suffering from a dysfunctional relationship

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Sharing advice for those who might also be in the same situation, John suggests that “prevention is better than cure, and a lot of things come from good intentions but misplaced actions”. 

“As a child, you can always help your family out by telling them in advance about what you’re planning to do or where you’re going. Be an accountable person so that the situation won’t escalate to something like mine.”

He also brought up a Chinese proverb that aptly fits his situation ‒ “It takes more than one cold day for a river to freeze a metre deep.” For context, John suggests that situations like his build up over time, so it’s always better to deal with it ASAP. 

He even extends his own personal experience to be a guide for others. “Talk to someone and if my experience can help you, I don’t mind if you even reach out to me too. We can have a conversation about it.” 

Handling A Dysfunctional Relationship With A Tiger Mum And Struggling With Mental Health

No one gets to choose their family members in life. Despite differences, the best anyone can do is to try and resolve any misunderstanding and strengthen the relationship. After all, John’s story shows that family is for life and there’s always a solution for problems. 

Watch the full ZULA episode below:

All images courtesy of John. 
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.
This article was first published on 2 November 2021 and last updated on 17 November 2023. 

Also read: 

Overcoming An Eating Disorder ‒ The Pressure To Be “Skinny” As Shared By A Singaporean Foodie

The post A Dysfunctional Relationship With His Tiger Mum Forced This 32-Year-Old To Find Independence appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Many have theories about having a doppelgänger somewhere in the world, but for me, I never had to think about that because I already had mine living with me. 

Growing up with a twin sister who was a mere 10 minutes older had its pros – I never had to be alone or do scary things by myself. 

After watching the popular Disney Channel twin-based show, Liv and Maddie as a child, I felt that a good term to describe us was a “built-in best friend”. My sister was like my diary – I told her everything and trusted her completely.

But when I got older, I would hear my friends taking on daring feats, such as travelling overseas with their friends, or even basic things like ordering food for themselves from a hawker centre. As a fellow pod in our sisterhood pea growing up, this seemed daunting to me – I had never even eaten alone before. 

Eventually, after the both of us started entering our teenage years, I realised that things were changing and I had to start being self-reliant. Now in my final year of my teens, I’ve learnt to be more independent and to see myself as an individual. Here’s a glimpse of what it’s like to be a twin and how it felt when we had to inevitably be separated. 

How having a twin affected my social habits & common misconceptions

Seeing double: my sister and I when we were 8 and 19 now, respectively

Growing up, I always loved the fact that I had someone who looked so similar to me and understood me instantly without having to speak a word. There were times when we would unknowingly blurt out the same thing, which constantly brought on a string of questions from friends and relatives such as the classic “do you have telepathy?” and “can you feel what she’s feeling now?” 

People had trouble differentiating us, especially if they weren’t close to us. There was once when we accidentally switched our school pinafores with our names stitched on it, and most didn’t suspect anything. Everyone assumed we always knew where the other was, and that we shared everything we owned. 

Consequently this made me dependent on my sister as I thought she would stick with me for the rest of our lives – which in turn, took a toll on my social habits. 

My sister and I stuck together even in school

See, when you’re a twin, you tend to think that you don’t need other people when you have each other to rely on. Making friends proved to be difficult, as we were cautious of who we let into our lives. 

I often referred to myself as “we”, “us”, and “our” because it felt like my sister and I were one person, with no original thoughts of our own.

My sister and I with our best friend since Primary One

Even at home, my relatives and parents would refer to the both of us as “twinnies”. We were rarely addressed individually, and would respond quicker to the nickname. Up to now, there are still moments when my parents would confuse us by accident. 

As my sister and I got older, my parents started to worry about our attachment to each other, and were concerned that we weren’t being social enough.

In Primary One, I had finally made my first friend – who eventually became our best friend instead. The three of us became a trio, which was one of the first times my sister and I opened our close-knit relationship to someone else. 

Then, in Primary Five, my sister and I were placed in different classes for the first time. Imagine the shock I felt. I even jumped to conclusions thinking – “That’s it, now we’ll never be doing things together again.”

Developing different interests and social lives

My poly friends and I at a staycation together

Despite being separated in primary and secondary school classes, my sister and I were still as thick as thieves because we still went home and did activities such as homework, and going to tuition classes together. 

But if I could pinpoint an exact moment when things started changing for real, it would be the moment my sister and I received our tertiary institution postings. My sister went to study business in a polytechnic while I went to another polytechnic to study communications – which, as you can imagine, are two totally different fields altogether. 

Adapting to our new environments meant that we started getting our own different groups of friends and schedules, so we didn’t have as much time to see each other as often. This was the start of how our sisterhood saw cracks form, for the very first time in our intertwined lives.  

Growing apart from each other 

My sister and I texting after a fight, with our texts being more of a “petty playfight”.

With our different social paths forging, there were times when we would barely see each other during the holidays or exam weeks. 

My sister even ventured for overseas trips and cafe-hop activities without me, and my feelings of shock quickly turned to sadness and betrayal. 

There were times when I only found out where my sister was from her friends’ IG stories. We barely had our usual late-night conversations anymore, which soon created a rift between us. In hindsight, nobody was to blame, but I couldn’t help but point the finger at her. 

In turn, we started keeping certain things private from each other, which drastically affected our honesty. Our deteriorating trust resulted in many fights, and thanks to our stubborn nature, a cold war ensued. 

While I maintained a “heck care” disposition in front of her, I was devastated. Teenage years are filled with milestones, and the one person I wanted to update about them now wasn’t speaking with me. It didn’t take long for me to come to the realisation that I was indeed too reliant on my sister. 

Learning to become more self-reliant & independent 

In the hopes of getting my parents to sympathise with me, I would complain to them about my sister’s growing distance. After listening to my rants, my mum sat me down to remind me that we are ultimately our own individual persons and I had to learn to become more independent. Thoughts like “but who am I?” swarmed my mind. An existential crisis at 18 years old? Not a good look, ya’ll. 

Forcing myself out of my comfort zone by going to a fancafe and eating by myself

You could say that being in an outspoken media course helped — I was slowly learning the importance of self-expression and taking risks, which pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to become my own person. 

I joined handball as a CCA to push myself further – something I would never dream of taking on without my sister by my side. I was also introduced to fancafes by my friends to support my favourite K-pop idols, and there were some I wanted to go to when my friends had no time. On a whim, I decided to go to one by myself. 

Initially, I was terrified. I wondered how my sister managed to go cafe-hopping by herself, or even enjoy her alone time. I was so self-conscious about the way I ate, or looked. However, at the end of it, I realised it took practice, and was also a way to help me become more comfortable in my own skin. 

In a society where mental health is prioritised more than ever, I can safely say I finally understand why there are so many videos on YouTube about self-care and alone time — it’s healing and is truly a time to wind down and reflect. 

Also read: 

7 Self-Care Outing Ideas To Spend A Well-Deserved Day Off With Your BFFs

Accepting each other’s choices & decisions

My sister and I at a birthday party with our secondary school clique

However, despite embracing independence and my alone time, my relationship with my sister still wasn’t a bed of roses. 

After almost a month of not speaking to each other,  our secondary school friends unknowingly came to the rescue and asked us to attend a birthday party together. During the first part of the party, my sister and I chatted with our own friends and refused to even make eye contact. I used to think having an evil twin was only the stuff of horror movies, but here I was witnessing it IRL. 

Jokes aside, I was relieved when she started to make an effort to talk to me, and be involved in our conversations. I took this as a white flag, and started to open up more to her again. 

Once we got home, I apologised. I felt touched by how she had acted during the party, and I tried to put myself in her shoes to understand her better. We agreed that as we were getting older, we had different priorities in life, such as our careers and friend groups. Ultimately, we came to the conclusion that we didn’t have to tell each other everything, and there were things that we both wanted to keep private. 

Thinking back on this, I realised it was a good call — I had also realised some friends were scared of telling me things in fear that I would tell my sister. 

Growing up sometimes does mean growing apart, especially for the both of us. Despite the both of us going in different directions, it doesn’t mean that we have to be separated indefinitely. If anything, this only reignited our sisterly bond and strengthened our relationship. 

We attended a concert together recently, and this showed our different styles now after wearing the exact same thing as kids

A few months ago, my sister and I went to a concert together. Even though we have our differences, we can’t help but deny our similarities to each other – such as music. 

When I looked back on the concert pictures, I realised that even though our faces resemble each other closely, our unique personalities shone through our different styles. It was a bittersweet epiphany, and I finally made peace with the definition of our sisterhood with each other.

Now, in my final year of poly, there are things that haven’t changed for us – our sense of humour, inside jokes, the way we talk, our ENFJ personalities, and our love languages. However, we know that there are boundaries that we can’t cross. Our bond as sisters keeps us close, even if we don’t always have a lot of the same interests or experiences. 

I know that as soon as I graduate, things will change even more and life will take us on very different paths – which also reminds me that I have to treasure the time we have together before we move on to relationships and university. 

Learning Independence Away From My Twin Sister 

For the majority of my life, I’ve always had an identity crisis and never thought of myself as an individual. With the occasional mix-ups from friends and family, I’ve simply embraced always being one or the other. 

However, growing apart from my sister changed that and made me realise I can do fine by myself. Despite having my independence shaped a little later than others, I don’t regret having a mirror image that I can also call my bestie.

I now realise that this “separation” would come eventually, and I’d rather it be sooner than later. Being close to my sister was, and is, a privilege and is rare to have. 

Now that I’ve grown into myself, it’s been liberating to do things just for me. It’s given me more opportunities to think about self-care, and to rely on myself, in terms of focusing on my own goals and dreams, and not to be concerned about issues I can’t control.

Ultimately, the life we’re living is ours to embrace. Whether you’re an only child or have multiple siblings, what’s important is being self-reliant and knowing who you are as a person. The freedom we have as an individual allows us to make choices that shape us, and have experiences that give us fulfilling moments. 

Also read: 

3 Women In Singapore Share How Being Fearlessly Independent Led To Opportunities & Attaining Success

The post Growing Apart From My Twin Sister As Adults Taught Me The Importance Of Being Self-Reliant appeared first on ZULA.sg.