I met my husband, *Nick, at a friend’s birthday party in 1979. Six years later, we got married. In the beginning, things went smoothly. But as we became more serious, his family started to have objections and my husband was influenced by his siblings.

When he broke up with me once, I was so depressed that I attempted suicide but I was rushed to the hospital in time by my best friend. Eventually, we made up—to the dismay of my family members who said, “There are so many other guys interested in you, why did you choose to be with him?”. Because of my marriage, I fell out with my own family.

During our wedding arrangements, one of *Nick’s brothers met with an accident and died on impact. I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral, for they blamed me for this death. His sister accused me of placing a curse on his brother, while the others said I was a bad omen to the family.

My parents didn’t attend my wedding; we only had a two-table dinner for his family and mine. During the ceremony, his sisters refused to serve tea to me. When I poured tea for his brother, he said, “When you marry into this family, don’t create any problems.” For me, my wedding was a sad one where I never received my parents’ blessings.

*Names were changed to protect identities.

She spat and said, “I won’t eat with this bloody Indian bastard.”

While I was pregnant, my mother-in-law told me to sit and join for dinner at the coffee shop my father-in-law owns. Once I filled my bowl with rice, my sister-in-law spat on the floor and said, “I won’t eat with this bloody Indian bastard.” I’m actually a Portuguese-Teochew mix. I felt so humiliated but my husband didn’t utter a word.

When I delivered my eldest son, my sisters-in-law came to visit the baby—but not me. They almost successfully convinced him to get a divorce. Even today, my children, who inherited my skin colour and features, are always the last to be acknowledged. My in-laws still dislike my grand-daughter, even though she’s already 75% Chinese.

I live in fear of him hitting me

Till today, my husband still threatens to hit me and I live in fear because he used to do it. Throughout my marriage, my friends feared to visit me as they saw my husband as a ticking time bomb. They always wondered why I never left him even though I was financially independent. I always chalked it down to fate: if fate wants us to be together, no one can stop it.

I tolerated everything for the sake of my family. To pass my time, I joined friends in a charity organisation. With social work, my mind wandered less and I became less focused on my own worries. I always reminded myself that I chose this. But after everything, I’d be lying if I said I had no regrets. If I were a pure Chinese, things would be entirely different.

Things mixed race couples in Singapore should know

Even in a modern multi-racial society such as Singapore, it’s not rare to hear of racial discrimination within the family. After being married for 39 years, my only advice to mixed race couples is that you have to be ready for humiliation. Sure there’ll be good times, but as harsh as it sounds, be prepared for the worst if you choose to carry on with the relationship.

Every marriage requires sacrifice—some more than others—and at times, there may not always be two hands that clap. Don’t expect your partner to stand by you. Until you settle down, you won’t know what life with your partner truly entails.

This story was contributed by a ZULA reader, in response to the article about mixed race couples.
This article was first published on 11 April 2017 and last updated on 2 March 2024. 

Also read:

Interracial Marriage In Singapore: Japanese-Malay Couple Married For 23 Years Share Their Love Story

The post 32 Years Of Discrimination In An Interracial Marriage — I’d Be Lying If I Said I Had No Regrets appeared first on ZULA.sg.

While Singapore is a rather multicultural country, it’s one thing to be friends with your neighbour of a different race, and another to marry him/her. From religious conversion to social stigmas, there are unique challenges that interracial couples have to work through.

Though we’ve heard from mixed race couples that have risen above and stuck together despite their obstacles, it doesn’t mean that they are completely rid of their fears for the future.

To better understand the struggles interracial couples face in our racially diverse country, we spoke to 12 couples who shared the biggest fears that they have about their relationships.

*Some names were changed to protect identities

Dealing With Social Stigmas

They’ll think I’m the nanny

I’m Filipino, and my boyfriend is Caucasian. I’m terrified that if we were to ever have kids, people would assume that I was the nanny due to the ‘pinoy maid’ stigma in Singapore.
Caroline, 25

I always felt like I had to prove myself

I’m Malay but I usually end up with Chinese girls. In the past, my biggest fear was living up to her parent’s expectations. Whenever I’d meet the parents for the first time, they’d ask me standard questions like: “What do you/your parents do for a living?”, “What are your future plans?” or “Where do you live? How many rooms are in your flat?”.

I always felt like I had to prove myself and show that I can do as well, or even better, than what the public expects. Luckily in my current relationship, I was accepted by her family and friends within seconds. No doubts, no questions, just happiness.
Fai, 28

They think Malays don’t aim high

I’m afraid of the social stigma that Malays don’t aim high—they just want to ‘relak’. Quite often, Malay guys experience this: when the girl tells her parents what job he has, they’ll assume he has no goals or dreams unless he’s a lawyer, director, etc. And if you make one slight mistake, they might go, “aiya because he’s Malay lah.”
Fadhil, 26

Getting stared at makes me feel judged

Sometimes I feel like our relationship gets perceived negatively in public. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but we seem to always get extra attention. Getting stared at all the time makes me feel uncomfortable and judged to the point where I don’t want to show any form of PDA, causing tension in my relationship.
Jake, 21

Dealing with family values

I’m afraid my family won’t attend my wedding

My biggest fear is that my family wouldn’t attend the wedding if we were to get married. I love my boyfriend, but I still love my family more. If it came down to making a choice, I would probably end my relationship—even if it means sacrificing my own happiness.
Nicole, 26

Our families act nice to our faces, but they don’t approve of us

I’m Chinese, and my boyfriend is Malay. Our families act nice to our face, but I know they don’t really accept us. The fear that we both share is that deep down our families won’t accept our love.

The older generations, like our parents and grandparents, remain traditional in their outlook. So whilst they act nice to our face, deep down I know they’ll always feel like it’d be better if we were dating someone of the same race.
Sasha, 21

On Cultural Preferences/Conditioning

I’m afraid I’ll miss my Indian food

My Caucasian girlfriend doesn’t like Indian food. I’m afraid if we get married, I’ll never eat Indian food again. Silly, but true.
Rasheed, 28

Our upbringing might clash

With different upbringings, we might have different priorities in life. My boyfriend is English and I am Chinese. Growing up in a typical work-oriented Asian environment, I make it a priority to chase my ambitions while I’m young. However, being as “chill” as he is, he doesn’t aim as high as I would like him to.
Stephanie, 22

Deciding Where To Settle Down

Where should we call ‘home’?

We’re in a long-distance relationship, and we both love living in America and Singapore. My fear is that if we became serious enough to move for each other, we wouldn’t be able to agree on a place to settle in and call ‘home’.
Marissa, 23

I’m afraid of Muslim racism due to terrorism in his country

My boyfriend is British, and I’m Muslim. We’re moving to Manchester this year and I’m terrified of the hatred or negativity I may get there. Our time in Singapore has been great, but relocating to a country that had recent terrorist attacks is making me nervous—I guess anything for love.
Lindsey, 26

Marital Conversion Fears

He’s a church minister, while I’m Muslim

I’m Muslim and my boyfriend’s Christian. He used to follow his parents’ belief, Buddhism. Thinking about marriage scares me because he’d have to convert to my religion. There was already tension that he converted from Buddhism—converting again would create even more controversy. To add more fuel to that fire, he’s a minister at his church.
Haya, 22

Concerns About Future Kids

Which religion should our kids follow?

If we were to get married and have kids, I’m worried we’ll have to pick a religion for them. Neither of us would want to offend our relatives, but both our religions are equally important to us. I don’t even know how we would begin to address the topic.
Jennifer, 23

Interracial Couple Struggles

Like all relationships, there will be ups and downs where you’re forced to weigh the good and the bad. Ultimately, facing these hurdles together can strengthen the bond and make the relationship stronger.

And though we can’t do much to change the mindset of others, we can try to understand the struggles interracial couples face and promote an environment of acceptance.

The post 12 Mixed Race Couples Reveal Their Biggest Fears About Their Relationship appeared first on ZULA.sg.

While we can say that society has taken huge steps towards accepting the notion that love comes in all shapes and colours, there’s no denying that divides still exist. Although our own little island advocates racial harmony, we’re still a leap away from becoming a truly accepting melting pot when it comes to dating.

These 10 interracial couples share their trials, and how they overcame them to become stronger and better, together.

I learnt Arabic for him

He’s Arab and I’m Indian. We had a language barrier at first because he didn’t speak English and I didn’t speak Arabic so I took it upon myself to learn Arabic so we could communicate. Initially, my father didn’t want me to marry someone from a different culture, especially of Arabic descent because of the stereotype that they’re violent. But I knew that what I had was something worth fighting for. My father almost didn’t make it to my wedding and my grandfather didn’t attend the wedding in defiance. It was a bittersweet moment when I finally got married.

15 years on, we now have five beautiful kids and I’m happy with my decision. My marriage paved the way for even more mixed marriages in my extended family; it proves that it is possible to be happy despite being so different. It might not be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. My advice to every couple is not to compare yourself with others. Forge your own path and legacy!
Ariqa, 58

It’s a fun way to learn about different cultures

Most Thais are very staunch Buddhists. As a Catholic, I’ve learnt to become more accepting and participative in the different aspects of our cultures. My boyfriend’s becoming a monk for 10 days in the summer and I’m fully supportive of it. Besides, Thai food and Bangkok shopping are amazing so that’s an awesome bonus too!
Annabelle, 19

“Omg, your boyfriend is Chinese???” is something I hear a lot, even after two years of being together. I think what most people don’t understand is that nobody looks at skin colour when they start to like someone. Despite the weird looks we get, being in an interracial relationship is like being in any other relationship. People think we have this huge culture difference when really, we share the same Singaporean culture.

Whether it’s learning crude Hokkien words from him or making him watch trashy AF Bollywood films with me, the cultural differences make the whole relationship more interesting. He’s benefited my life in many ways, from seeing a TCM doctor without worrying about the language barrier to knowing what’s best to order at Swee Choon.
Sneha, 19

One thing that brought the two of us together was our ambiguous racial identities. He’s Chindian, I’m Chinese Indonesian, and we can relate to not feeling like we belong to one group or the other. I often get scolded for not knowing how to speak Mandarin, but he gets impressed smiles when he’s able to speak Mandarin to hawkers. In that way, he lets me see a part of myself that I feel disconnected with.

Similarly, I bring my Indonesian side to him and show him what it’s like (haze aside of course). When we went to Indonesia together for a class trip, one of my proudest moments was when he told me, “Thank you for showing me how beautiful Indonesia can be.” Together, we explore the world very differently and we’re able to see how beautiful life is.
Mary, 21

Also read:

32 Years of Discrimination in an Interracial Marriage—I’d Be Lying If I Said I Had No Regrets

It affects how others see us 

The biggest interracial problems would be our family and friends’ reactions. We haven’t told her dad because we’re sure he’s against it but at least her mum has warmed up to the idea of our relationship. Even our friends were surprised in the beginning, but they’re cool with it now. I’m still bad with curries and spicy food and she finds most Chinese food bland, but we’re warming up to each other’s cuisines. Honestly, most of our problems are the same as any other couples’.
Xiaoming, 19

Our races don’t affect things between us, but it does affect how others see us. I knew what my parents’ reaction would be. “Oh but he is Indian, he doesn’t do this, he won’t eat that.” But I still feel the difference between us isn’t that great. It’s not a big problem now but in the long term, I suppose we’ll be required to adapt to different cultures even more than we do now.
Lynn, 19

When I was five, my mum made me promise I wouldn’t marry an Indian. But her worst fear came true because I’m dating one now! She’s very traditional, but I know where she comes from. She says things like, “Oh, can you not marry Arnav? Later your kids will be very black,” and it really stings. We’ve been together for three years and she still doesn’t accept him—even though she admits he’s a great guy.

I still try to show her that he’s more than just his race. My message is: people are more similar than we know, a lot of human experiences are very universal, and I hope that society realises this and becomes more accepting.
Rachel, 19

Understanding someone on a deeper level goes beyond race

I’ve learnt that you can be with someone of your own race and similar upbringing, but still feel empty if you two don’t understand each other on a deeper level. In the end, the most important part of the relationship is communication.

Along the way, being insecure is something that always happens on both sides. You’re going to be insecure about how long your relationship will last, whether it’s worth going against your parents’ conventional mindsets and whether the two of you are still on the same page even after a few years. The insecurities used to creep up on me but with time, I learnt how to handle it.
Melinda, 22

I’m Chinese and my wife is Filipino. Even though we were born in different countries, we didn’t struggle much in connecting with each other as we found many similarities between our upbringings. After all, we both treasure having a strong Kampong spirit. So for us, there wasn’t much of a problem when it came to our marriage.

Instead, it’s exciting—our mixed cultures will bring vibrancy to the destinies of our children and the generations to come. I don’t believe our races clash. In fact, they complement each other. I think that’s why my children like Filipino food and Singaporean food equally, and our dining table always has a mix of both.
Steve, 60

I’m Eurasian and my boyfriend is Indian, so it’s not often we see other couples like us. And that’s hard because it means we get a lot of weird looks, and it also means we don’t have “role models”. Interracial representation in the media is already so low, let alone a mix as specific as ours.

I remember one date in particular when my boyfriend and I came face to face with another couple who looked just like us, but about ten years older. It was like looking into the future. Seeing it work out for another couple gives me hope that it’ll work out for us too.
Michelle, 19

Being a mixed race couple in Singapore

At the end of the day, a relationship is between two people. Dating someone of a different culture could even allow you to experience more within your relationship. The world is enormous—to be able to explore it with and through the person right next to you? Priceless.

Also read:

12 Mixed Race Couples Reveal Their Biggest Fears About Their Relationship

The post 10 Mixed Race Couples In Singapore Share Their Struggles/Perspectives on Dating appeared first on ZULA.sg.