“Little man”, “ small boy” and their personal favourite, “daddy bankerboi”, are just some of the terms Teri Tan identifies with – not the usual phrases you’d expect a 31-year-old to want to relate with. But then again, Teri isn’t your average Singaporean. 

After chancing upon Teri’s Instagram post and being inspired by their honesty, I was glad to finally meet Teri – our meeting twice postponed due to their erratic work hours and unforeseen Covid-19 measures back in 2021.

With faint background sounds of birds chirping and children laughing by their condo pool, Teri shares with me their journey, from escaping overseas to living their truth today. 

Establishing pronoun preferences 

Today’s progressive society means being brave and open about the pronouns one identifies with – Instagram even allowing a function to add it to your IG bio – so it was important I established the preferred way to address Teri.

“I don’t really care actually. “She” or “He” is okay. I’m also okay with “They/Them”. I don’t really have a preference because I feel as long as it’s used respectfully it’s okay. But it’s also quite fun to see what aunties outside use [on me], so I think it’s a game.”

“My pronouns are “lazy lah”, they joke.

She or He? To Teri, it doesn’t matter.

But Teri wasn’t always this confident and self-assured. At 17, they developed an interest in gender identity, “the worst time because it was right before ‘A’ Levels, according to Teri. “I thought that I was just like, LGBTQ, queer or lesbian – the usual identities.”

“It was only when I went to New York that I learnt more about gender identity and questioned whether I was trans – but at the same time I didn’t want to be a man.” Contrary to belief, the natural assumption that most people have is that “trans” = binary (male to female or female to male), when in reality, it isn’t the case – identities such as non-confirming, non-binary and gender queer all exist too.

Discovering their identity in a foreign country

Unsure of who they were and fresh out of college, Teri knew that they needed to escape overseas in order to progress not just professionally, but personally as well. An admission to the business school in NYU and hesitant approval from their mother later, Teri was off to a concrete jungle where dreams are made of. 

There, Teri could finally be true to themselves. “When it came to being “queer”, I was broadly accepted. I also specifically went to seek out spaces that was queer, where I would be accepted. I joined all the queer groups.”

But the cultural difference meant that Teri would still feel out of place at times. “I would sometimes feel like I wasn’t queer “enough” for [a group of friends]. I wasn’t super woke and involved in activism. They were still new concepts to me”, Teri shared. 

Teri with their volunteering organisation teammates in New York, where they’re currently based

What made things even more challenging? Teri’s relationship with their mom. While New York presented freedom and a world of possibilities for Teri, video calls back home served as reminders of the reality that familial approval and acceptance were nowhere near close.

“When I first cut my hair short in New York, I shaved everything on the sides. For the longest time I didn’t want to video call my mother, but one time we did and she couldn’t stop scolding me. Every time I came back to Singapore twice a year, we would always have a conversation about being queer and would end up crying”, Teri lets on.

Teri and their mom during Chinese New Year 

Contrary to a pivotal coming out moment we see on TV shows, Teri’s coming out to their mom is a continuous process – that leads to repeated disapproval. But through that resistance is where Teri has found self-assurance. 

“I’m at the point where I’m quite secure and I know who I am that I don’t need her approval anymore. I know I’m never going to get [approval] so like, whatever lor, I will just do what I want.” 

Navigating bathrooms and explaining gender identity to kids

Although the LGBTQ+ community has made tremendous strides and gained greater acknowledgement today, acceptance in society is a different story. 

Teri recounts to me how airport security staff would get confused when communicating with them, realising they weren’t male upon hearing Teri’s higher pitched voice. And when it comes to public bathrooms, safety becomes a factor – something many of us don’t even consider.

“I think it’s safer for me to go to a men’s bathroom in New York, to have less eyes on me. Whereas in Singapore, either way is kind of weird. I think part of it is due to my race in New York. In New York, they see me as a small Asian boy, whereas here in Singapore, people have seen enough older queers that I’m mapped to that”, Teri explains. 

“I prefer to go to the women’s bathroom in Singapore. If an aunty stares and confronts me, at least I can use the normative standard to explain”. 

Teri celebrating Pride in San Francisco

It’s tricky enough explaining being gay or lesbian to kids who may ask about appearances or partners, but what about topics like being trans and gender identity?

Teri shared their insight. “There was a kid by the swimming pool the other day asking his father if I was a boy or a girl and I just smiled. I would love to be like “does it matter?” or “can I be both?” and make it a playful moment. At the end of the day, the concept of man and woman will never be gone, and that’s okay. The idea is to be playful with it, like hey, if you’re a woman do you always have to wear dresses? Not necessarily. Do you have to like pink? Not really.”

“I think it’s important to also educate your kid that the concept of gender exists, but you don’t have to conform to it. At the end of the day if they ask “what is gender?” and when they go out into the world [and understand LGBTQ+], they’d get a huge shock. So it’s also to prepare them for that.”

Also read:

7 People In SG Spill The Tea On Dating In LGBTQ+ Communities In Singapore

Being brave about body positivity

Besides being true to themselves, Teri is also on the journey of sharing their honesty with the world – or at least their social media followers for now.

“It’s scary as shit!”, Teri exclaims, about their latest post that featured artistic shots of Teri binding with nude-coloured tapes – a raw look at an intimate, vulnerable practice many LGBTQ+ individuals relate to. 

Images courtesy of @glingwee

“Posting that was very scary for me because I wasn’t sure if people would be like “oh my gosh Teri posted nudes online”. To be body positive is so much easier said than done. For someone who’s not an influencer like me – I still work in finance – if someone in my industry were to find that [post], what would they say about it?”, Teri questions. 

Aside from fearing that their colleagues or mom might chance upon the skin-baring post, it also puts their body insecurities front and centre. “I spent 2 hours deciding if I should post it or not. As much as I seem body positive, it is also an active process for me to choose to do that every opportunity I have. Every time it’s uncomfortable and I push myself to do it, it makes me more comfortable over time.”

Deciding to pursue transitioning or not

While Teri is still experimenting with binding, their decision to pursue top surgery and taking testosterone is still not 100% decided. Although, a common misconception is that to identify as trans, you’d need to undergo transitioning – which is completely untrue.

“For example, someone could look entirely masculine and still identify as a woman and that identity is as valid as someone who is feminine and identifies as a woman. It works in all sorts of configurations. The misconception happens because people make assumptions.” 

“I don’t want to be a man, and I don’t need to take that amount of testosterone if I want to fully pass as a man. People take varying amounts of testosterone depending on how masculine they want to present as and it’s a very personal decision.”

They add, “There’s this thing called micro-dosing which means you take a little bit [of testosterone] here and there, so you get some of the changes more slowly than regular doses and you can stop whenever you want. It’d be more trial and error for me to see how I like it. If my voice goes a bit deeper, maybe I wouldn’t want that and I might stop – something like that.”

Despite thinking about this for a decade, Teri realises that they’re at a stage where they can present as non-binary without transitioning, and that’s perfectly fine. 

Teri succinctly sums up the importance of acceptance, no matter what the decision. “Sometimes people are still figuring it out, and sometimes people have landed where they don’t need surgery or to transition. At the end of the day, it would be really nice to just get support. To say, “this is what I feel works best for me, and I would love for you to reinforce that how I’m feeling is totally okay.”

Future plans and hopes for Singapore

As Teri shared with me about their journey, it’s clear as day that they’ve come a long way over the past 10 years. But it seems their journey is just beginning. “At 18 years old I was struggling, watching TV in my room hoping nobody would come in, and here I am on a stage talking to LGBTQ undergrads, doing interviews, and being very out on all my social media platforms”, Teri mentions with a hint of pride in their smile.

On their agenda too is building an old folk’s home dedicated to queer people – something we both agreed society is sorely lacking. They elaborated, “There’s a lot of hindrance for queer people moving up the life journey, just because they’re queer. Even something as simple as owning a HDB, not everybody can get that just because they’re queer. So I want to take care of queer elders out there who need help.”

And as for their hopes for the future of Singapore’s society with regards to trans people? Teri presented 2 hopes and challenges.

“For the queer people, I would love for them to be a little more brave, whenever it is safe to do so. If someone hasn’t met a queer person before, they have no incentive or no personal experience to go off of to say “hey, I understand this person and that’s why I want to be an ally”. I understand it’s also not always safe to do so, especially in the workplace so perhaps don’t start there. With maybe less important friends, some acquaintances, just try and see lor, you never know how you’d be received”.

Teri with their mentor – the first person they came out to and the reason for Teri’s queer old folks home aspirations

“On the other hand for the general non-queer population, I would love for people to read up on their own. If people are so curious about trans surgeries, don’t ask the trans person about the surgery unless they’ve personally shared about it. Questions like “Eh are you going for surgery? How was it?” are very invasive. If you have a queer friend and you’re close to them, just be supportive if you haven’t vocalised it – it goes a long way.”

Teri Tan On Being Trans In Singapore

Image courtesy of @carolourivio

People like Teri are inspirational reminders that we should come to honest terms with ourselves and live our lives truthfully, whether it’s as part of the LGBTQ+ community or not. 

If you have personal friends who are in their journey of self-discovery or are simply curious to understand more about gender identity, it’s important to remember that learning respectfully is of utmost importance.

In the wise words of Teri: “The last thing is also to not be afraid to be wrong.”

Here are some resources and organisations you can refer to if you’re looking for guidance online: 

• The T Project: social service, offering shelter and counselling for the transgender community
• Oochanga: resource guide on transitioning
• TransBefrienders: peer support for transgender youth 
• TransgenderSG: web resource for the transgender community

All images courtesy of Teri Tan unless otherwise stated.
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.
This article was first published on 28 June 2021 and last updated on 27 April 2024. 

Also read:

Living As A Trans Woman In SG – What It’s Like Dating & Undergoing Hormone Therapy As Shared By A 23-Year-Old

The post Being Trans Without Transitioning – Coming Out, Body Positivity & Gender Identity appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Growing up and living as an LGBTQ+ individual in Singapore comes with a host of unique challenges. What makes it hard to deal with is the lack of representation in the media, clear sources of guidance, and role models to look up to. Of course, each person’s lived experience, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, is different. But sometimes, having someone to relate to can make a world of difference. 

We invited Antasha Zahra down for an episode of our YouTube series, Ask ZULA. Antasha, affectionately known as Zaza, is a 23-year-old trans woman living in Singapore. During her interview, she shared about her lived experiences in the local trans community, undergoing Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT), dating as a trans woman and cleared up some common misconceptions about the trans community. 

Journey to finding out she was trans

Image courtesy of Antasha Zahra 

Growing up, Zaza enjoyed the performing arts, preferred to have more “feminine friends” and in general “loved to play with ‘girly stuff’”. Although she felt this was nothing out of the ordinary, her male peers in primary school thought otherwise, subjecting Zaza to bullying for her involvement in the performing arts. 

As a young boy then, not having been exposed to the LGBTQ+ community or concepts, Zaza regarded herself simply as a “boy who likes ‘girl stuff’”. However, when Zaza entered a heterosexual relationship she realised she was not entirely happy or comfortable in her own skin. 

Zaza then tried to explore the idea of being gay at first, which she described as a “rollercoaster”. Her relationship with her first boyfriend was not exactly rosy. He was super “touchy” and Zaza herself felt rushed [into things]. Dating guys made Zaza a lot more exposed to the LGBTQ+ community, leading to her meeting her first trans friend. 

“It made me feel happy looking at her and I wanted to feel that kind of happiness when looking at myself,” she said of her friend. Zaza’s friend taught her about being trans and the trans community in Singapore, which served as a gateway for Zaza.

Undergoing Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) 

Image courtesy of Antasha Zahra, Source

Starting HRT 

Zaza’s foray into HRT was actually a rather informal process. She herself was never really exposed to LGBTQ+ resources to educate herself with. Instead her trans friend was the one who guided her through the process of starting HRT. 

She began HRT by taking hormone pills. At that point in time, Zaza recalls not being “100% serious about it”. She had a “forgetful attitude” and took her pills inconsistently without a fixed schedule. 

Getting exempted from NS

It wasn’t until facing the prospect of serving National Service did Zaza begin HRT in earnest. When she turned 18, Zaza was called up to go for her pre-enlistment medical checkup, the first step into a Singaporean son’s military rite of passage. 

Upon arriving at the Central Manpower Base (CMPB) for her checkup, Zaza told the receptionist upfront that she was transgender. Unexpectedly, this elicited “no reaction”. 

Subsequently, she had a consultation with the doctor and told him that she was taking hormone pills. The doctor then put Zaza’s medical status on hold for a year, and Zaza was advised to continue taking hormone pills in the interim. At the end of the year, she was to produce a memo from the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) stating that she had been undergoing HRT for a year to exempt her from National Service. 

Process of undergoing HRT 

Zaza shared that there are multiple methods of administration for HRT including pills, patches and injections. Currently she is only on pills after being on all 3 in order to regulate hormone levels. 

“A side effect of these hormones is mood swings” which according to her, is an almost universal side effect experienced by her fellow trans friends. For feminising HRT like Zaza’s, the hormones also work to grow out the chest area and smoothen out body hair. Plus, weight gain and fat redistribution is a prospect to be considered too. 

“There are pros and cons to HRT and it’s something you have to really think through,” Zaza explains. Serious commitment is required and medication must be taken daily for the rest of one’s life. Not only that, there will be obviously major physical changes to the body as well.

Acceptance and challenges from society

Image courtesy of Antasha Zahra 

Despite today’s rhetoric of being true to ourselves, acceptance is still a luxury for some. The trans community in Singapore especially, as Zaza puts it, is “constantly fighting for love and acceptance”. 

Fortunately, Zaza’s mother, someone who has acquainted herself with people in the LGBTQ+ community, is very accepting, and has affirmed Zaza that “[she’ll] be [her] child no matter what”. However, the sentiment is not shared by all relatives as up till this day, Zaza still skips family events. 

Speaking for her fellow transgender friends, she revealed that they also experience a fair share of discrimination at work. This includes instances of customers making mocking or uncalled-for remarks toward them. Unfortunately, not many workplaces are safe spaces for members of the transgender communtiy to make a living. 

Also read:

Cayes Hong: Transgender Singaporean Opens Up About Top Surgery

Navigating the dating world as a transwoman 

A life lesson Zaza taught herself after dating while transitioning is that some men would only “use [her] for their pleasure”. Some men also fetishsize transwomen as an “object”, viewing them as a “fantasy”. She relays that this experience is shared by fellow trans sisters in the community as well. 

Image courtesy of Antasha Zahra 

Zaza is now in her second serious relationship after transitioning, with her current boyfriend. The relationship, she describes, is just like “any other normal relationship”. She also stressed that being a straight man dating a trans woman “doesn’t make you gay”. This is because trans women should be viewed as females.  

Her relationship itself is “full of ups and downs”, just like any others. Although she views the relationship as completely normal, the biggest obstacle she and her boyfriend face is still regarding acceptance from people around them. 

Zaza recounted an incident where the couple’s mutual friend called up her boyfriend to tell him that their relationship “was so wrong”. Despite resistance from some peers, Zaza is mostly surrounded by friends who are supportive of the relationship and everything is much better for her now. 

Family-wise, to Zaza, it’s a “lose some, gain some” type of situation. While she has cut ties with some over her sexuality and relationship, she has forged new bonds such as with her aunt and cousin. 

Misconceptions about the trans community

Source

What it means to be transgender 

During the interview, Zaza made it a point to clear up a common misconception about her community: that being trans means undergoing a surgery. 

For the uninitiated, the surgery in question is Sexual Reassignment Surgery – SRS for short. To put it simply, the procedure involves changing your existing sexual organs to that of your identified gender. Or in Zaza’s comical TL;DR – “you have that male part, you chop, and then become the female part”.  

Zaza asserts that you can still identify as transgender without undergoing SRS. In fact, there are many reasons why those in the trans community don’t undergo SRS, including religious and financial concerns. It’s best to let our trans friends live their lives instead of making assumptions and questioning their decisions. 

Addressing other stereotypes

One stereotype Zaza also cleared up was the idea that trans women are not religious. At the end of the day, they “might be praying to God” behind the scenes. Apart from that, Zaza stressed that trans women are not “out there to impress [straight girls’] boyfriends”.

Another big misconception Zaza shut down was that all trans women are sex workers. She added that even if they are, there is absolutely no shame in doing sex work. She implored others to be understanding because trans women sometimes have no other choice as they are not accepted elsewhere in the job market. 

Advice for allies and others in the community

As the interview with Zaza wrapped up, she shared some additional nuggets of wisdom.   

“Keep your head high, don’t let your crown fall” were the words of encouragement Zaza left for fellow members of the LGBTQ+ community. 

“It’s really important to be there for one another,” she added. “Because having a support system, even just a friend to rant to, can make the journey a lot less depressing.” 

For straight allies looking to support the trans community, Zaza suggested to “research on transgender people on Singapore”. There are a wealth of articles online about issues pertaining to transgenderism like SRS, which allies can read to further their understanding too. 

If you recall, a piece on ‘woke culture’ was published on TODAYonline. In the article, the writer cited the trans community as an example of why she is afraid to ask questions over the fear of being “cancelled”.

When asked about her response to the article, Zaza personally thinks it’s about asking “at the right place, at the right time”. Simply put, she feels it’s alright to clarify doubts about the trans community so long as questions are asked respectfully, in the right setting and with some degree of familiarity between both parties.

Dating and Undergoing Hormone Therapy As A Trans Woman In Singapore

Zaza’s story definitely shed more light on what it’s like being transgender in Singapore. As we walk away with a better understanding of trans individuals, remember that Zaza’s journey, while inspirational, is not representative of the entire LGBTQ+ community. 

At the end of the day, be respectful, be understanding and be kind. It’s okay to have questions and doubts, whether you’re a part of the LGBTQ+ community or an ally to the cause.  Ultimately, we should strive to validate each individual’s story and struggles to achieve greater acceptance in society. 

For our transgender readers and friends, while having a support system is important, we recognise that this is not something that’s always readily available. Here are some resources and organisations you can refer to if you’re looking for guidance online: 

• The T Project: social service, offering shelter and counselling for the transgender community
• Oochanga: resource guide on transitioning
• TransBefrienders: peer support for transgender youth 
• TransgenderSG: web resource for the transgender community
  

Cover: Source, images courtesy of Antasha Zahra.
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.
This article was first published on 18 June 2021 and last updated on 2 March 2024.

Watch the full Ask Zula episode below:

Also read: 

7 Transgender Singaporean Struggles That Happen On A Daily Basis

The post Living As A Trans Woman In SG – What It’s Like Dating & Undergoing Hormone Therapy As Shared By A 23-Year-Old appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Being different has for so long come at a price, that is, with the fear of disapproval or being victim to shifty glances from loved ones. This leaves many in the LGBTQ+ community feeling trapped in a box with their thoughts and emotions, all alone. But despite the fear, some have bravely opened up the discussion of what it’s like identifying as LGBTQ+ in Singapore. By sharing their journeys coming out and navigating their sexuality, they have allowed the community to have a voice. 

One of these individuals is Jeslene Chia, affectionately known as Jes among her peers, who shared her own experience with coming out on an episode of Ask ZULA. She opened up about being part of the local LGBTQ+ community, and grappling with the reactions of loved ones. During the episode, she also shared what it was like coming to terms with her sexuality after having suppressed her feelings for so long. 

Finding out she was “different”

It all started when she was 8 years old, when Jes realised that her feelings for her then best friend went beyond just companionship. She started picturing scenarios like kissing her, which if anything, was “very daunting” to think about as a Primary 2 student. This was at a time when the notion of not being heterosexual was a topic rarely, if ever, openly discussed. 

Her awareness about her sexuality came before the era of smartphones, so it seemed impossible to do any form of researching or even asking around about the topic. 

“Obviously I was not going to talk to my friends about it. I [would] get bullied or get discriminated against, so what seemed like the smart thing to do was to keep quiet all the way until I was in secondary school”. With “no one to talk to” about her feelings and thoughts, there was no choice but to keep her emotions on the down-low.

Seeking refuge through Tumblr

Approaching her early teenage years, when the use of the internet and smartphones were growing, Jes turned to Tumblr. At the time, the site had an active LGBTQ+ community originating from America. 

The community appeared “so strong and so proud”, which provided the openness in discussing the topic to shift her perspective from feeling like the only one to a more positive “I’m not alone in this world”.

However she also shares, “That also scared me because there is always the good side of the story, like seeing others being comfortable in their own skin, but along with it a scary side, which was observing others being discriminated against and not having equal rights”. 

Secondary school days

Jes when she was still rocking long hair in secondary school

The fear of opening up remained into her secondary school days, and even expressing her more masculine side was something she did not dare do then. For her, this meant suppressing that part of herself and stepping under the cover of behaving like everyone else. This involved carrying herself in a way society deemed “normal” —  so being in a relationship with another girl was a definite no-go. During this time she continued researching on Tumblr but kept her thoughts and feelings under tight wraps. 

As a teen, Jes even had a boyfriend which she established, looking back that their relationship “was platonic more than anything”. Despite her boyfriend’s suspicions of her feelings for a fellow female senior, and even accidentally seeing an open tab on her laptop with content relating to LGBTQ+, the relationship continued for a good amount of time.

Dating guys in secondary school was her way of “figuring myself out” while she tried to fight her feelings in hopes of keeping others from suspecting anything.“I forced myself to like guys, so that’s why in secondary 1, 2 and 3, I dated them”. Even so, when it came to doing “normal couple stuff” with her then-boyfriend, it was something she simply couldn’t bring herself to do. 

Crushing on a senior and teacher

Jes developed feelings for a female senior while simultaneously being in a relationship with her first boyfriend. In regards to acting on those feelings, “very minimal yet questionable” actions were taken from Jes’ end that would make others question “why is this girl doing this for another girl?”

“For example buying her drinks ah, and taking extra questionable care for her. There was always this bias towards that senior” she added. While never openly confessing to her senior, it seemed like “everyone knew” about her crush. 

“Other than the senior, I did have feelings for a teacher…and I acted on them. When I was in secondary 4 or 5, there was this very good looking English teacher. I bought her chocolates and stuff, which I gave to her on a special occasion, like Teachers Day. She also had an “ask me” box, and when my junior told me about it I quickly took a piece of foolscap paper, and I can’t remember what question I wrote, but ended off with “you can call me”. Once I put the note in, the box was gone the next day”. 

Opening up in poly

It came to a point where her emotions were overflowing, just as she was leaving secondary school. “So stepping into poly, it was the chance for a fresh start, I knew I wanted to scrap everything that I was”. Poly seemed to have a more relaxed environment with more accepting individuals — a space where she could finally breathe and be “ the real Jes”. 

After growing close to some coursemates in the first 2 months of school, it seemed about time to make her emotions and identity known, for the very first time. 

While rushing to complete a group project working late nights, her newfound friends collectively opened up about personal issues in a HTHT session. This gave her the chance to open up about the secret she’d been hiding for so long. Without hesitation, she came clean — “I think I like girls”, she voiced out for the first time. Her friend’s responses were inspiring – not only did they give her resounding words of support, but they also showed their full acceptance of who she truly was. Some of these friends are still right by her side to this day. 

Sadly, not everyone in her life shares the same sentiment as them.

Family finding out

As she was growing more comfortable with her sexuality, her family started developing suspicions. They would ask questions like, “Why are you so close?”, referring to one of her past girlfriends who was on the same handball team as her. 

“My mom hated handball. She didn’t see my love for the sport, she just immediately associated handball with me not being straight”. The knowledge that Jes was so tight with her “handball friend” was the root of her mother’s disdain … and this was just based on her assumptions at the time. 

The first time Jes got “caught” was while sending her girlfriend off near her own home. Just as Jes leaned in to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek, her parents walked by. Their expressions were anything but approving, to say the least, but the incident ended up undiscussed.

Jes with one of the loves of her life: handball

Not too long after, she accidentally sent a text that was meant for her girlfriend to her mother. The text read, “Baby, I’m home” which she tried to cover up, even deciding to come home late that day to avoid the situation. At this point, there was no way her parents couldn’t take a guess at what was going on. 

After the series of occurrences, her mother finally came up to talk to her. The much-anticipated conversation went along the lines of — “Why are you like that?”. This made Jes feel upset and hurt – all she could say was say “sorry” to her mom, without room to even explain how she was feeling amidst the accusations. A lot of tears were shed but unfortunately, no understanding was reached. 

Her sister, who served as a bridge between Jes and her mom, also shared that she felt disappointed about the whole situation. However, at the end of the day, she knew there was nothing she could do to change how Jes was feeling, sharing  “you’re my sister after all”. 

The conversation with her father seemed to share the same sentiment as with her mother, telling her “you know this kind of thing is wrong, right?”. 

“I wanted to start the conversation with “Daddy, I don’t want to lie to you but my friend is not just a friend”, but after he started the conversation first, I just swallowed everything”, Jes emotionally shared.

With all that had taken place, she was left with only the option of swallowing her feelings and keeping them to herself. The truth of the matter was that her family couldn’t accept who she was. 

The low point

Time passed and the situation just seemed to spiral beyond Jes’ control. One particular Chinese New Year – the first year she had switched up her long hair for a more “boyish” cut – snarky comments from relatives were thrown around. Her new look was anything but well-received. They were saying things like “ Eh you got son ah”, towards her mother. That CNY left her feeling traumatised if anything, not wanting to have to face them again the next year. 

CNY the following year was no better, her mom making her dress more “girly” and controlling how she styled her hair. It came to a point that Jes couldn’t even bear to look at any one of her family members in the eye. All she could do was keep her head down and stay silent. 

Thankfully, her sister noticed and asked Jes why her mood had changed so much. Opening up to her sister, she shared how all the pressure just made her want to stay locked up in her room. 

“I even shared with my sis my suicidal thoughts, I really wanted to leave”, she admitted, because the whole situation had become too much for her, she didn’t want to just play the part of what her family believed was “normal”.

Jes (right) with her sister who’s become one of her pillars of support

This was the moment things seemed to take a turn because after her sister spoke to her parents, they eased off a little. She also finally had someone in her family to talk to about what was going on. Jes voiced out that her sister is her “strongest pillar of support”, listening when she needed someone to talk to and trying to make the situation better for Jes when she had hit rock bottom. 

While it’s still not an openly discussed topic with her parents, they seem to have slowly accepted the situation in their own way. 

Coming out more publicly on Youtube

As a familiar face on The Smart Local videos, Jes has spoken out about being part of the LGBTQ+ community, in turn becoming an advocate for others who have gone through similar situations. 

The fear of her parents coming across the videos remains, but she shares, “I lowkey want them to watch”. Aside from wanting to help others with their journeys, she wants her parents to see the impact she has made in the community and how she’s not the only one who has struggled with such experiences. 

Jes adds, “Speaking from a more digital media industry perspective, what I wish to see is more local Youtubers, with more LGBTQ+ representation. Try to normalise it, because we have the platform and viewers from all sorts of ages watching our content”. 

Moreover, she wants to be able to “save” those who experience suicidal thoughts and depression as a result of all the pressures from society to conform to what’s “normal”. Her actions in helping others are something she hopes will make her mother proud. 

The loneliness Jes felt when she was younger is something she never wants others to go through. And she’s doing just that by sharing her story and providing a listening ear to those who need someone around, someone to count on. 

Advice from Jes

Jes also shares some advice for anyone who is on their own journey of self-discovery and of figuring out their sexuality. 

“Come out at your own timing” is what she has to say, urging individuals to be patient with themselves. “Don’t do it because of peer pressure”, instead wait till you’re ready. Rushing to come out because others want you to is the dumbest and stupidest thing to do, she remarked. “You’re not being fair to yourself”. 

Furthermore, she recommends that you should come out when you’re “ready to” and “financially capable”. She explained that doing so allows you to be prepared for the worst, including being kicked out. At least if you’re able to have that independence,  you’ll remain self-sufficient because “no one is going to take care of you, you have to take care of yourself”. 

She even emphasised that with respect to coming out, “there is really no need to”. It’s something that she shares many now view as a “cool thing to do”, when it’s not. It should be viewed as something you do only for yourself, for your own happiness. 

Coming Out As LGBTQ+ In Singapore And Facing Disapproval 

What Jes has shared inspires us to rethink the way we view coming out. While her experiences with family disapproval might be rather common in Singapore, one thing’s for sure: coming out is a personal choice, a judgment call that you have to be able to make on your own. However, even if you have to make that decision alone, that doesn’t mean there’s no one you can talk to about it. Don’t be afraid to talk to people who care and reach out to others in the LGBTQ+ community. 

Even  those not part of the LGBTQ+ community, support your friends or anyone in the community who just needs some comfort and encouragement. 

Listen to them instead of making their lives tougher, if they’ve told you about what they’re going through it’s because they care and trust you. It takes all of us, as a society, to support our friends and loved ones because at the end of the day we all just want to be happy and feel loved. 

For those part of the LGBTQ+ community, while it may sometimes feel like everyone around you doesn’t truly understand how you might be feeling, it’s okay. There are people who want to hear what you have to say and help you as much as they can. Here are some resources if you need someone to voice out your troubles too or just a space to feel safe: 

Oochanga: Offers a variety of services, including support services through WhatsApp, for those in the LGBTQ+ community
SG Rainbow: Provides a safe community for LGBTQ+ men in Singapore through social and personal development programmes
Sayoni: Provides a safe community for LGBTQ+ women in Singapore with events and numerous advocacy programmes

Watch the full Ask Zula episode below:

All images courtesy of Jeslene Chia.
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity. 

Also read:

Living As A Trans Woman In SG – What It’s Like Dating & Undergoing Hormone Therapy As Shared By A 20-Year-Old

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