Most teenagers deal with concerns like friendship issues or stress from homework, and the last thing on their minds would be raising a child. Not for Stacy Chow, who found out about her teenage pregnancy at just 17 years old.  

With a lack of financial support and only her family to lean on, Stacy went through a tough time not only raising her firstborn, but also eliminating the stereotypes of being a school dropout. At 36 today, she is a proud mother of four kids and the boss of breast pump company, Baby Express. 

Ahead, she shares with us her inspirational story and her aim to change the societal views on breastfeeding. 

Getting pregnant at 17 and struggling as a mother

Stacy celebrating her 21st birthday with her son

Finding out that you’re pregnant at 17 years old would be a shocker for anyone, especially if you just dropped out of school. Instead of sharing the news with her friends, Stacy stayed mostly at home as she feared the stigma of teenage pregnancy. As such, only her parents knew about her secret.

“Since I was quite petite, not many people could tell that I was pregnant unless I shared it with them,” Stacy recalled.  

While enduring judgement from strangers was one thing on her mind, Stacy was also worried about her future. Since she didn’t come from a well-off family, financial security was another huge concern. 

3 months after giving birth, Stacy took up part-time jobs, one of which was being a cashier that required her to work from 9pm to 7am. She was willing to sacrifice her sleep and gave everything she could in exchange for a better life for her son. As she worked to raise her family, her parents took care of her son overnight. 

Her experience with breastfeeding

Raising a child in a fast-paced society like Singapore is no easy feat, and Stacy struggled with finding the best way to do so without burning a hole in her pocket. As she couldn’t afford to feed her son with formula milk that costs around $80 per tin, breastfeeding was the only way to go. 

Yet, it was easier said than done. 

For the unacquainted, not every mother is suitable to breastfeed their child. Some females’ breasts would swell, suffer from infection, and even harden. This also means the milk produced won’t be the best for the baby’s consumption. For Stacy, she would also have to start a clean diet to lactate in the best condition. Simply put, breastfeeding is more than just the squeezing motion.

An example of a breast pump that costs over $600
Source

Thankfully, Stacy was able to lactate smoothly but to make things more efficient, she would require a breast pump. However, she was once again at crossroads as the breast pumps on the market cost around $500, and the decent ones retailed at more than $1,000 ‒ they were way over her budget. 

“I was also having a hard time because there was a lack of information for new mothers on breastfeeding,” Stacy pointed out. Note that the year was 2005, which also meant that the internet was not as in-depth as it is today. 

Whatever knowledge Stacy acquired was through the help of nurses ‒ there were also no lactation specialists or consultants she could refer to. What’s worse? Some of the information she received was even misleading. 

Eventually, this motivated her to start her own breast pump company which would introduce an affordable design and educate new mothers with accurate information on breastfeeding. 

Also read: 

8 Singaporeans Share The Biggest Sacrifice Their Mums Made For Them That Prove Unconditional Love Is Real

Starting her own breast pump business and the challenges faced

Stacy with her breast pumps for Baby Express

Everything began to slowly fall into place when Stacy continued to look for affordable breast pumps in Singapore. When she realised there was none, she decided to bring in overseas brands and liaise with local manufacturers. 

As Stacy was already keen on coming up with an affordable breast pump, it was a heaven-sent invitation when one manufacturer asked her to fine-tune their designs. 

“There were many other manufacturers which were actually keen on making the “right” breast pump, as they didn’t have much knowledge,” Stacy revealed.  

For context, traditional breast pumps are bulky, noisy, and only work when plugged into an electric socket. To add, there are a lot of tubes and wires that restrict the movement of the mother. This means they would have to sit in the same position for about 30 minutes to an hour for a single breast pumping session. 

Taking note of these common problems from her firsthand experiences, Stacy knew the changes she had to make in order to come up with a breast pump design that would benefit all mothers. 

After some tweaks and trials, Stacy later started Baby Express in 2019 with a capital of $2,000 that came from her child’s angbao money. The journey as an entrepreneur wasn’t easy, as Stacy didn’t have any experience in running a business, and she needed extra hands to handle things like marketing and logistics. 

“Thankfully, I had friends who were willing to lend me a helping hand and shared tips about being a business owner,” Stacy mentioned. 

With all the help and support she could get, Baby Express finally launched their affordable breast pump that retails at $89.90. Unlike traditional breast pumps, Stacy’s designs were lighter, noiseless, portable, and also rechargeable. 

“The breast pumps are designed for working mothers by a working mother,” Stacy emphasised during our meeting. 

Since optimal breast pumping is every 3 hours, working mothers appreciated how the design came in handy thanks to the light and portable feature. Through word-of-mouth and reviews by satisfied customers, Stacy soon found Baby Express making a name for itself. 

Today, Baby Express runs with a headcount of eight, and they even have their own warehouse and office. That’s not all ‒ Stacy established connections with four baby product retailers and now, they each have a section retailing her breast pumps too. 

Rather than calling it a success, Stacy humbly shared that Baby Express is still in the process of taking flight. 

Her aims to change the views on breastfeeding

Stacy with her mother and four children

In her journey as a business owner and a mother of four, Stacy developed a new perspective on breastfeeding over time. Despite manufacturing her own breast pumps, Stacy actually didn’t breastfeed all her children due to several issues, and there were times when she felt like a failure as a mother for not doing so. 

“I was affected by how the older generations kept talking about the “special bond” between mother and child during breastfeeding,” Stacy explained. “It was as if they were hinting that I wasn’t trying hard enough when I fed my children with formula milk.” 

However, looking back now, Stacy realised that she didn’t have to feel that way because breastfeeding was indeed difficult. Also, how mothers choose to feed their children is no one’s business but theirs.  

While Stacy agreed that society is slowly changing for the better, there are many who still view breastfeeding and breast pumping in public as “unsightly”. This outdated mindset also believes that such actions should be done behind closed doors.

When asked what message she has for those who think that way, Stacy shares that she hopes they would better understand mothers as sometimes they simply don’t have a choice. Adding on, she suggests that the best anyone could do was to try and understand where mothers are coming from and to respect them.

“Breast pumping every three hours is actually highly recommended, as missing the timeline would result in swelling of the breasts and leaking,” Stacy explained. “Many mothers also carry a lot of barang barang like breast pumps, towels, and an extra set of clothes just in case they stain themselves.”

Getting certified as a postpartum advisor 

Apart from being a mother and a business owner, there is actually more to Stacy’s identity. From having no lactation consultant during her first pregnancy 17 years ago, she is now one herself, and is currently working her way to becoming a certified postpartum advisor as well. 

For those new to the term, postpartum advisors take care of the physical and emotional recovery of mothers, and help to answer questions that they might have after delivery. Plus, they also provide resources to those who suffer from postpartum depression. To put it simply, they could be seen as “fairy godmothers” for mothers. 

As her course is online-based, Stacy makes use of whatever time she has before, between, or after work to squeeze in some studying. 

Currently, there are only around 50 certified postpartum advisors in Singapore and not many Singaporeans actually know they exist. Upon completion of the course, Stacy hopes to contribute even more by sharing her knowledge and providing proper information for expecting mothers. 

Future plans and tips for new mothers

While closing sales for Baby Express is one thing, Stacy’s ultimate goal for her career is to change the views of breastfeeding and breast pumping. She plans to also have her staff undergo postpartum training. This way, her staff would then know how to help customers who also have questions about breastfeeding and postpartum so they won’t have to spend extra money to consult a professional. 

With some parting words, Stacy shares, “I hope that others would have a better understanding of the hardships mothers go through like breastfeeding, and that accurate information on postpartum gets passed on”. 

“Expecting and new mothers should know that there are now many support groups in Singapore like Breastfeeding Mothers’ Support Group. Instead of going through difficult times alone, there are others who are always ready to help”, Stacy concluded. 

Stacy’s Story Shows That Motherhood Comes With A Lot Of Sacrifice & Hardship

Stacy’s story shows her tenacity of working her way up from a teenage school dropout to become a proud mother of 4 and business owner. While I’m not a mother myself, our conversation allowed me to gain a newfound respect for all mothers. Motherhood sure comes with a whole lot of difficulties, but Stacy’s experience gives others assurance that every cloud has a silver lining. 

All images courtesy of Stacy Chow. 
Responses have been edited for brevity and clarity.
This article was first published on 3 August 2022 and last updated on 16 June 2024. 

Also read: 

Calling Off Her Abortion At 25 – Gwen Lee On Her Experience With Pregnancy During Covid-19 & Motherhood

The post This Mother Of 4 Shares How Her Teenage Pregnancy & Breastfeeding Struggles Led To Her Breast Pump Business appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Being a parent is no easy feat — there’s just so many aspects of having a child to worry about every day. But being a single parent? That’s double the pressure, as being able to provide for them financially is one thing, but being emotionally and physically present is another. 

For 19-year-old Jermaine, life took a huge turn when she found out that she was pregnant at just 15 years old. Back then, Jermaine was just a child herself too. The next thing she knew, she was counting down the days to becoming a mother whilst still in secondary school. 

To make matters more challenging, Jermaine suffered emotional abuse from her ex-partner, which eventually led to her falling into a bad mental space during her journey as a young mother. Read on to find out what it was like for her to be pregnant at a young age, and how she has finally embraced motherhood now.

Finding out she was pregnant at 15

Jermaine’s only photo she took of herself when she was pregnant
Image courtesy of Jermaine

When Jermaine first found out she was pregnant at 15 years old, there was only one word to describe how she felt: ashamed. 

“I knew that society isn’t accepting of teen mums. Since I was self-conscious about people judging me, I kept my entire pregnancy a secret. I didn’t take any pictures while I was pregnant either.” 

Jermaine’s mother was utterly shocked and upset to find out about her pregnancy — “of course, who would want their 15 year old daughter to suddenly become pregnant?”, Jermaine explained. But when her mum eventually digested the news, she suggested for Jermaine to get an abortion.

At that time, Jermaine’s partner was also 15 years old, so Jermaine felt that they were both not ready to take care of a child. During the first trimester, she took her mother’s advice seriously and considered an abortion. 

While the topic of abortion has slowly become less taboo in recent years, many of the older generation still have a narrow mindset about it. This mindset was forced onto Jermaine as well. “My ex-partner’s parents were very traditional. I felt that they pressured me into having the child, saying that if I aborted, I would bring bad luck.”

At such a vulnerable young age, it was difficult for Jermaine to make such a tough decision on her own. Therefore, despite her doubts and pressure from her ex’s family, she eventually decided to go through with the pregnancy.

Experiencing abuse from her ex-partner and his family

For illustrative purposes only
Source

“For the first three months of my pregnancy, I still didn’t believe I was pregnant. Since I was very young, the idea of being pregnant felt very scary. Luckily, no matter my decision, I received a lot of support from my mother.” 

Jermaine was still in school, which meant that her family had to file a report for underage pregnancy. After a discussion, they decided that she had to stop going to school until she gave birth, and her teachers visited her to send her worksheets to help her continue her studies.

However, she didn’t receive any support from her ex-partner. “When I went over to their house, his aunts scolded me and referred to me as an ‘anyhow type of girl’. His parents even told my mother that I’m not the type of girl that any parent would want their kid to get married to. They treated me as if I was their enemy.” 

As if carrying a child at such a young age wasn’t both emotionally and physically demanding enough, Jermaine dealt with verbal abuse every single day. 

“I always felt unaccepted in his household. My ex went out with his friends every day because he felt tied down by my pregnancy, and prioritised other things over me and our child. I didn’t have anyone to accompany me — my mother was working and I didn’t have a good relationship with my brothers. I was always alone.” 

While Jermaine was scrolling through social media, she saw many posts glorifying teenage pregnancy. This false sense of happiness that was shared online made her feel a little upset, especially considering her circumstances. 

“There are more bad points than good about being a teen mum. As teenagers, we are still emotionally unstable. Of course it will tear you apart. You don’t have a social life anymore and it’s hard for you to live your youth. I just wanted someone to be there for me, and my ex-partner wasn’t.” 

Giving birth to her son and experiencing motherhood

Jermaine with her son now
Image courtesy of Jermaine

On days where Jermaine felt succumbed by her negative emotions, she sought her ex-partner for support. Instead, he went around telling all his friends that she “became crazy”, not understanding that she was emotionally unstable due to her pregnancy. 

“My ex went around playing with other girls, yet he still wanted to show off that he was about to become a father soon. He snuck out of the house whenever I fell asleep, and he wouldn’t tell me where he would go. I could tell that he wasn’t happy because his parents were the ones who advised us to keep the child, not him.” 

Despite the emotional abuse, Jermaine still dreamt of a marriage with him one day. “I still loved him at that point of time — after all, we were about to have a baby together. We originally scheduled to have a Chinese tea ceremony on a Monday, but our plans changed because I ended up giving birth earlier, on Saturday.”

Jermaine described these unexpected changes as something that was “godsent” to her. Because she had given birth prematurely, the couple didn’t go through with the tea ceremony and marriage. 

Initially, Jermaine admitted that she even felt resentment towards her unborn son, as her ex made her feel like a burden for being pregnant. 

After giving birth, Jermaine had a change of heart. “After I saw my son’s face for the first time, I felt that things started to fall into place. Suddenly, being a mother was what I was meant to do.”

“I didn’t care about my ex-partner as much anymore, because I was busy focusing on my son. Still, it hurt. I wanted him to be a father, to see his son and spend time with us. But he always gave excuses.” 

Also read: 

8 Singaporean Teen Mums Talk About What Motherhood Taught Them

Falling into a bad headspace

For illustrative purposes only
Source

Jermaine soon returned back to secondary three after giving birth. She didn’t know any of her classmates nor teachers then, but everyone was helpful in guiding her back to her studies. She worked hard and even scored top in class for that year. 

But things took a turn for the worse. Despite the encouragement at school, Jermaine’s ex-partner started using vulgar language towards her, belittling her worth and making her feel bad for wanting him to be there for her and their son. 

“One time, I felt so pushed to the point where I went down to find him and screamed at him in front of all his friends. I felt like I didn’t have any dignity left in me anymore, after going through all these months of emotional abuse.” 

After being together for two years, the couple eventually decided to break up. But Jermaine felt that she was already spiralling downwards. She had heard rumours about people pitying her for being a single mother, and found out that her ex-partner had even cheated on her with one of her close friends. That was the last straw. 

“Why am I putting in so much work to be a mother when other people think of me this way? I wanted to be proud, but I’m still getting treated like this by outsiders. My ex-partner did nothing to contribute to being a father, yet he gets to do anything he wants.”

When Jermaine turned 17, her priorities changed. She decided that she wanted to have fun and enjoy her teen years instead of taking care of her son. So, she went out with her friends until late at night every day, wanting to feel less tied down to her responsibilities back at home. 

But who could blame her? At some point of time, we all wanted to experience being young and dumb too. Jermaine stopped dedicating time to her son because she reached a point where she gave into vices and didn’t love herself anymore. Her ex made her feel that she was now unwanted as a teen mother. 

Moving on and embracing motherhood positively

For illustrative purposes only
Source

But even after giving in to the temptations of youth, Jermaine’s “fun” only lasted for around half a year. At the start of 2023, she met her current partner, who eventually helped her to feel better about herself. 

“Some people say that with the right person, you grow and glow. With my current partner, my mum could tell that I was getting out of my slump. She told me, ‘Since you’re better now, you should be more responsible for your child.’” 

With her mother’s advice in mind, Jermaine brought her son back from her ex’s family, and she’s been taking care of him ever since. 

Before she got together with her current partner, he knew that she had a son. Him still wanting to be with her came as a surprise, as it goes against everything her ex had said about her. 

She then realised that there are now more men who are accepting of being together with single mothers. “We’re in a different era now. Times have changed — I personally know of other single mums who eventually found love too.” 

“Back when my son was only one month old, I was still keeping him a secret from everyone else. But my mum told me something that changed my perspective forever. She said, ‘You’ve already given birth, so there’s nothing you can do about it. You can’t hide him away forever, but it’s better to feel proud of him than to feel ashamed.’” 

It was then Jermaine decided to finally step up and become the mother she had hoped to be. 

“Initially, my son didn’t feel like he had a stable home. He would move back and forth from my house to my ex’s house and have different people taking care of him. As a kid, that was difficult for him to manage. But now, I take care of him every day, so I feel that he has more stability.” 

And how is Jermaine dealing with motherhood now? Proudly sharing with us, Jermaine added, “I’ve completely settled into motherhood now. I feel that even if I don’t have a partner with me, I’ll still be able to manage.” 

It wasn’t an easy journey for Jermaine to finally come to terms with this feeling, but I honestly felt proud just listening to her story, knowing what she had to go through to reach this point.

Plans for the future

For illustrative purposes only
Source

Now, Jermaine’s son is three, and she works as a freelance live streamer. Her current favourite hobby? Spending time with her son and making him feel loved. 

“Being a mother requires sacrifice. After being a mother myself, I feel even more appreciative towards my mum. To give up your freedom just for your kid? Every mother deserves a trophy.” 

Jermaine’s current partner helps out in taking care of her son too, especially when she’s busy with work. Now, she has more time to prioritise her mental health and learn to love herself all over again. 

And as for the future? Jermaine has plans to go back to study some day, but for now, she’s freelancing and supporting her kid to the best of her abilities. 

“I want him to go to school, study well and be a good kid. While I am not able to provide him with luxurious things, I want him to at least have a stable and safe home with me.” 

Being A Teen Mum At 15 & Surviving Emotional Abuse From Her Ex-Partner

Through her journey as a mother during these past three years, Jermaine learned that being a it is more than just having your name on your child’s birth certificate. It’s about the sacrifices you make every day, living up to your duties as a parent and being there for your child every step of the way. 

It’s such a shame that teen mums still face a lot of judgement and discrimination from society. But as Jermaine mentioned, what’s done is done. She’s already a mother now, so she wants to learn and grow not just for herself, but also for her son. 

“Being a teen parent is not as easy as you think. Though we may be in a different era now, abusive partners still exist. I’ve done a lot of wrongdoings myself, but now, I feel that the only thing I can do is embrace being a mum to the best of my abilities.”

Cover images courtesy of Jermaine.
Quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.

Also read:

I Became A Father At Just 17 Years Old – Here’s How I Embrace Parenthood Through The Hardships & Joys

The post I Got Pregnant When I Was 15 & My Partner Emotionally Abused Me, Here’s How I Embraced Being A Mother appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Strong, poised, in-charge—that’s Jasmine Hu, personified.

Having mostly single-handedly raised her 4 daughters, perhaps these qualities were developed over the years of dealing with whatever life threw her way.

Across the span of three decades, the 55-year-old has had to navigate 2 divorces, deal with an unexpected twin pregnancy, and single parent without the help of an extended family.

“If I wasn’t a person who was able to adapt, I would have gone crazy,” Jasmine jokes.

Her source of strength when things got rough? The unconditional love she has for her children.

First marriage

Jasmine with Marissa and Sandra; Sandra (above), Marissa (below)

At 23, Jasmine met her first husband when she was in university. After dating for a year, they married and had 2 children, Marissa and Sandra, in quick succession. But due to personal differences, the marriage soured.

Then, Jasmine was a Type A career woman, armed with an ‘I-can-have-it-all’ attitude. She decided to leave and set up a new home without her children’s father.

“My heart was filled with lots of fear. But this is how I always do it. There are two physical beings here. So then I will channel my energy to my children and put the fear behind.”

So, she packed up their things, put them into boxes, got into a small lorry, and went off.

Raising two children as a single mum

With 2 toddlers under her care, the single mum struggled to keep a work-life balance.

Like most mums, Jasmine wanted to be involved in raising her children. But as the sole breadwinner, she couldn’t afford to quit her job.

Instead, Jasmine would “scoot and drive really, really quickly to the childcare centre to pick them up” after work. And for a few precious hours before bedtime, she’d play with Marissa and Sandra.

Also read:

5 Girls From Single-Parent Families Share The Greatest Lesson They Learnt About Love From Their Mums

An unexpected pregnancy and second marriage

Bobbi and Denise at 6 months old

In between raising her 2 daughters and trying to build a career, 28-year-old Jasmine met her second husband.

But getting remarried had not been part of her life’s plan. Instead, she married because she had gone on a few dates, “hooked up”, and found herself unexpectedly pregnant.

“The first thing that came to my mind was ‘No, I need to abort this baby because we did not have a relationship.’ But at the gynaecologist, I found out it was a pair of twins, and my heart just dropped.”

Upon learning of the pregnancy, the twins’ father agreed to raise the children together. On April Fools’ Day 1998, the twins, Bobbi and Denise, were born.

Raising four children as a single parent

From left to right: Sandra, Denise, Bobbi, Marissa

Eventually, Jasmine realised she had entered the marriage because she had sought stability, not for love. Her second marriage, too, gradually fell apart.

Now in her thirties, Jasmine found herself a single parent again. This time, with 4 young children in tow.

Undeterred, the young mum decided she would maintain a strong front for her children at all costs. She did not want them to grow up with feelings of inadequacy because they didn’t grow up with a ‘complete’ family.

Alone, she bore the burden and wore multiple hats of caregiver, tuition teacher, playmate, disciplinarian, provider, housekeeper.

She told herself, “A mother loves her child with her heart and protects her children. A father shows them the world. And this is what I will do.”

But even Wonder Woman has moments of weakness too. At night, when the kids had been tucked in bed, Jasmine would retreat to her own room.

“That’s when I will hide behind and cry lah… That’s what I do.”

Support group for single parents

From left to right: Marissa, Bobbi, Sandra, Jasmine, Denise

Still, one pressure Jasmine acutely felt was the lack of extended family or a support group while her kids were growing up. So she joined and began managing the SPSG (Singapore Parent Support Group) in an attempt to rectify that.

SPSG is a group comprising of single parents who provide emotional and childcare support to each other. The group also lends a hand with legal or government matters by providing the right references for other single parents. Once a month, outings with children to the zoo or a picnic are organised.

“It takes a village to raise a child so in the support group, we’re also mummies and daddies to children of other single parents. When we come together, their kids and our own children could actually become firm friends as well.”

“It’s just one way to support them in such a way that they are not alone in this parenting journey.”

Being A Single Parent

Today, her 4 children are adults—Marissa is 29, Sandra is 28, and the twins are 25.

From left to right: Bobbi, Marissa, Sandra, Denise

While raising her children has been a fulfilling endeavour, bearing the label of being a single mum comes with a layer of stigma in a society that espouses ‘whole’, nuclear families.

But Jasmine takes it in her stride and says she’s only ‘embarrassed’ being a single mum when a man asks her out on a date.

“If any guys want to date me, now became ‘buy 1 get 4’ free you know! So it’s that kind of mentality that reminds me, usually, it’s not going to work.”

Though her motherhood journey has been a series of ups and downs, Jasmine believes “so long as whatever you do is based on the best interests of your children, you will never go that wrong.”

“I have 4 intelligent, beautiful adults. So there’s really nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Watch the full video here:

This article was first published on 3 May 2019 and last updated on 2 January 2023.
All images are courtesy of Jasmine Hu and Marissa Yeo.

Also read:

Singapore Teen Mums: Raising 3 Kids Who Have Different Fathers

The post How This Single Parent Found The Strength To Raise 4 Kids Alone appeared first on ZULA.sg.

In this day and age, you might expect modern solutions to prevent and treat postpartum struggles at the snap of a finger, whether they are physical or emotional. Unfortunately, baby blues are still very real for mothers, and sometimes it can take ages to overcome them.   

To help mothers tide through this challenging period, it is important for them to surround themselves with understanding and care, since not everyone is comfortable with voicing their struggles. Below, five mothers share some of the lesser-known postpartum struggles they wish their husbands and bosses knew about. 

1. “Picking up my child at daycare shouldn’t be seen as an excuse to get out of work on time”

Image courtesy of Jessica

“I had read about postpartum struggles when I was pregnant, and expected to experience them after giving birth. In the first month, I had mood swings and felt sad because I couldn’t carry my baby as much due to my c-section recovery. 

Thankfully, my husband reassured me that such emotions were normal, and helped to take care of our child by splitting night shifts so I wouldn’t need to constantly wake up and breastfeed. 

However, it should be known that picking up children from daycare should not be seen as an excuse to get out of work on time or to show less commitment. Sometimes working mothers don’t have a choice, and bosses can try to put themselves in the shoes of their employees. 

The best thing that they can do is not make assumptions about their employees’ perception or dedication toward work.”

– Jessica, 33

2. “Maternity leave is never a holiday”

Image courtesy of Kim

“It took me some time to return to work, and I suffered from imposter syndrome, thinking that everyone else was ahead of me and had to do so much more during my absence. There was also this feeling that I had to “pay back” the company for the time I had spent away, even though there was never that expectation from the company. 

I’m sure many mothers would agree that maternity leave is never a holiday, and I wish more bosses could understand. 

The leave is for us to recover from our child’s delivery, and take care of our newborn while trying to rest whenever possible. 

We have lives that depend on us, and they could suffer if we neglect them. Most mothers I know put in 200% at work and even work after hours to ensure all the tasks are completed, so that perception is one that I’d also like to dispel. 

There is no person who can multitask better than a working mom, I’ll tell you that.”

– Kim, 31

3. “Not giving unsolicited advice goes a long way”

For illustrative purposes only

“For the first couple of weeks after giving birth, my anxiety skyrocketed as it was my first child and I had no prior experience with kids. I would Google every other hour to find answers, and I felt constantly in a panicked state because I didn’t know what I was doing. 

When I went back to work, I really appreciated that no one questioned or doubted me, or treated me any differently after I came back from my maternity leave. People were understanding when I took a little while to get back into the motion of things, or had to reply to messages late if I was tending to my child.

However, I think people don’t realise how much goes on behind the scenes for mothers. 

On the outside, no one could tell I was struggling. But on bad days, my world was falling apart, and no one knew. We mask our struggles very well, so being kind and understanding — and not giving unsolicited advice —  goes a long way.”

– Amara, 34

4. “Never underestimate the time needed for a new mom to recover”

Image courtesy of Huichee

“It is common for new mothers to experience dramatic mood swings, oscillating between feeling depressed and happy, and I was no exception. I think the stress arising from not knowing how to take care of a newborn to having insufficient breast milk can aggravate the problem. I was fortunate that my husband was there to provide emotional support. 

He took a month of paternity leave and together with my mother-in-law, took turns to look after my child whenever I needed rest. As the common saying goes, it takes a village to raise a kid. 

I think one should never underestimate the time needed for a new mum to recover. It could extend beyond the usual one-month confinement period. For me, it took me 8 months before I felt “physically normal”, and could return to my pre-pregnancy workout routines. 

First-time parenting is like a roller coaster ride. While there were many milestones that we as new parents got excited over, it takes time and patience for us to understand each other’s struggles and align on our parenting styles. Communication is key – hashing out issues is always better than suppressing them. At the end of the day, the best environment for your child to grow up in is one where the family is close-knit and strong.”

– Huichee, 30

5. “I look unhappy because I’m trying to cope with baby blues”

For illustrative purposes only

“I often received comments from my friends and colleagues, asking why I looked “unhappy” despite recently giving birth. The truth is I am happy with my newborn ‒ I’m just taking time to recover from the emotions of officially becoming a mother, and the pain I went through from a C-section surgery. 

It didn’t help when people around me, especially my male superior, tried to make my postpartum recovery a huge deal by telling my colleagues to assist me if I needed help. No offence, I appreciated his offer, but it was too much. 

I think mothers like me, who are more introverted, prefer to handle things quietly and at their own pace. Those who genuinely want to help out should talk to us and try to understand what we are going through. After all, actions always speak louder than words.”

– Joan, 31 

It Is Alright To Seek Help From Others When Undergoing Postpartum Struggles 

These mothers’ experiences have shown us that going through and overcoming postpartum struggles takes time, and the best we can do is to try and understand from their perspectives. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with them seeking help from others and professionals. 

Whether it is for postnatal issues, beauty services, or enrichment centres, Westgate is a one-stop mall for Singaporean mothers and their children to visit and explore. 

Westgate Offers Pampering Services For Mothers & Enrichment Schools To Maximise Children’s Potential

Wellness and aesthetics

Schönemama offers pre and postnatal massages that focus on health recovery
Image courtesy of Schönemama

One physical concern that many new mothers face is returning to their prenatal figure. Schönemama (#04-28/29) is a prenatal and postnatal care specialist centre, which provides professional guidance on body contour and weight management, damaged skin repair, and even offers massages that promote lactation. 

Beyond these services, Schönemama specialises in postpartum condition recuperation. For example, mothers who experience confinement symptoms such as joint pain, muscle soreness and numbness can opt for services such as Postpartum Clearing Heat Treatment. The treatment strengthens the body’s immune system, promotes uterine repair, and also boosts qi and nourishes blood. 

Find out more about Schönemama here. 

Image courtesy of Wing Joo Loong

For the unacquainted, Wing Joo Loong (#B1-18) is a local wellness brand that caters to diverse consumer needs like using herbs and traditional medicine to restore the strength and energy of new mothers. You can browse from an array of premium herbs, bird’s nests, chicken essences, and confinement packages, including their newest physician-formulated lactation tea. 

Find out more about Wing Joo Loong here. 

Images courtesy of Jean Yip Beauty & Slimming and SkinLab The Medical Spa

Claim your after-facial glow when you pamper yourself with a long-delayed self-care at Jean Yip Beauty & Slimming (#04-21) and SkinLab The Medical Spa (#04-22). The former offers first-time customers a customised R6 facial trial at $28, originally priced at $247. You can expect their staff member to perform deep cleansing, exfoliation, extraction, hydration, or a combination of these steps to address your skin concerns. 

On the other hand, SkinLab The Medical Spa allows you to choose between an Intense Hydrating or Signature Medical Peel with I2PL Facial and Relaxing Lymphatic Eye Massage at $128, original price at $653. Their Intense Hydrating Facial uses top-notch Hyaluronic Acid products produced by their team of professionals, that promise deep hydration for extra suppleness. 

Find out more about Jean Yip Beauty & Slimming here, and SkinLab The Medical Spa here. 

Source, source, source

If you played it safe and sacrificed your monthly manicures and lash extensions during your pregnancy, you can now get your nails and lashes done at La Belle Skin Aesthetics (#03-49), DR. LASH (#05-03), and Nailz Gallery (#04-14). 

La Belle Skin Aesthetics offers an extensive range of aesthetic services, from facial and eye treatments to eyelash extensions. Along with DR. LASH, they are experts at making your eyes “pop” with lash extensions that complement your facial feature, and also offer brow shaping services. 

Bargain-hunters listen up. DR. LASH is now offering an exclusive deal for their new Lash and Dash collection from now till 30 November 2023. Customers can purchase five sessions to enjoy a $20 discount on each session, along with one complimentary lash touch-up session. For even greater savings, purchase ten sessions to enjoy a $40 discount on each session, and receive two complimentary lash touch-up sessions. 

Set aside some time to glam up your nails at Nailz Gallery. Whether you choose a manicure or pedicure, they offer express services that won’t take up too much of your busy mummy schedule. 

Find out more about La Belle Skin Aesthetics here, DR. LASH here, and Nailz Gallery here. 

Enrichment classes

Image courtesy of My Gym

While encouraging children to embrace new experiences can sometimes be a challenge for parents, My Gym (#04-39) offers a solution that can make a significant difference. Through engaging activities designed to stimulate your child’s mind and body, My Gym facilitates their physical, cognitive, and social development, helping them explore their potential from a young age.

Currently, My Gym is running a promotion from now till 30 November 2023. Parents can book two trial classes for their children at a discounted rate of $98 by reaching out to My Gym via Whatsapp at 9845 2377. Note that the promotion is exclusive to the Westgate outlet, and applies to first-timers and non-members, subject to terms and conditions. 

Find out more about My Gym here. 

Source

Whether your child’s passion lies in the piano or guitar, Yamaha Music Square (#04-40) provides meticulously crafted music courses designed for young learners. Their distinctive Yamaha Music Education System (YMES) is dedicated to fostering your child’s musical creativity and proficiency through comprehensive music education and group lessons. 

Find out more about Yamaha Music Square here.  

Image courtesy of DF Academy, source

If your child shows potential to become the next K-pop idol or prima ballerina, consider signing them up at DF Academy (#04-13) and The Ballet School (#04-09/10). At DF Academy, their instructors aim to instil values such as teamwork and perseverance through dance classes. You can choose to register your child to join hip-hop classes to build a foundation or a K-pop dance class, allowing them to experience what it’s like being the next New Jeans. 

From now till 31 December 2023, DF Academy is offering a bundle of four lessons for $90. 

For kids who have a strong interest in pursuing a dance career in the future, enrol them in one of the best dance education institutions in Singapore at The Ballet School. Rest assured that classes are conducted by experienced professional dancers, and they also provide opportunities for their students to compete internationally. 

Find out more about DF Academy here, and The Ballet School here. 

Source, Image courtesy of Tree Art

Now that we are living in a world that places emphasis on technology and AI, it is essential to equip your child with skills for the future. At NK Robotics (#04-18), children can learn how to build, code, and design their own robots under the guidance of MOE-certified trainers. What’s more ‒ students also get to compete in leagues and gain valuable experiences to stay ahead of the game. 

There are various ways for children to explore and unleash their creativity, and one method is by expressing themselves through art. Let your child cultivate a love of art by enrolling them in classes at Tree Art (#04-33) to develop their aesthetic ability and broaden their worldview.

Find out more about NK Robotics here, and Tree Art here.

Image courtesy of Write Edge

Mastering English can be easy, but it takes effort and the right teaching method for a child to develop their creative writing skills. With a team of trained and passionate teachers at Write Edge, your child will receive high-quality and personalised feedback on their writing. 

What sets Write Edge apart is its thoughtfully designed and structured curriculum, delivered in small groups of six to eight students. Teachers can provide dedicated attention to each student. 

From now till 30 November 2023, Write Edge is running a special promotion where you can enjoy a $100 discount when you sign up for two terms, or a 10% discount when you sign up for a full year. 

Find out more about Write Edge here.

Others

Source, source

When you bring your child to their first-ever haircut, there are always two possibilities. They may either freak out by making a scene or sit calmly, intrigued by the actions of the hairdresser. To prevent the former scenario from actually happening, EC House (#04-11) at Westgate has kiddy rides for children while getting their haircut. 

Find out more about EC House here. 

Westgate Is The One-Stop Mall For Mothers & Their Children To Get Their Beauty Fix

With a variety of wellness, aesthetics, and enrichment centres available at Westgate, mothers and their children can get their beauty fix without having to travel to other locations. If you haven’t yet discovered the charm of Westgate, here’s your chance to learn more about the mall. 

Find Out More About Westgate Here!

Westgate
Address: 3 Gateway Drive, Singapore 608532
Opening hours: Mondays to Sundays, 10am to 10pm
WebsiteㅣFacebookㅣInstagram

Cover: Images courtesy of Jessica and Kim.
This post was brought to you by Westgate. 

The post 5 Mothers Share Their Postpartum Struggles They Wish Their Husbands & Bosses Knew appeared first on ZULA.sg.

It’s 8pm. I’m out having a quick round of post-work drinks with my colleagues. I joke about how I’m already getting buzzed on half a beer because I haven’t been out in ages. As we take our final sips, I get a phone call that makes my heart sink.

It’s my husband. Our toddler won’t settle to sleep and she’s screaming for me – her mummy. Both my mini-boss – and sperm donor (read: the husband) – need me, stat. I head home and console myself in the Grab ride: at least I had an hour of freedom and 3/4 of a beer. 

So what does this have to do with Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner’s recent divorce, you might be wondering at this point? Well, when it comes to the roles men and women are expected to play in marriages and child caretaking? Every-freaking-thing – especially in Singapore.

Why’s the media out to get Sophie Turner in a mutual divorce?

Photo credit: Lionel Hahn / Getty 

We need to talk about this. About how gossip sites have instantly hopped at the opportunity to reveal the tea behind the Game of Thrones star and the former Disney beau’s split. 

She “likes to party” and he “likes to stay at home,” the so-called anonymous sources say. They’d only been married for 4 years, had 2 kids, and seemed to have it all together. How dare she go out drinking in Birmingham, U.K. just days before Jonas’ filing of the divorce was made public? – implies the Daily Mail.

“The marriage between the parties is irretrievably broken,” said the court documents that were obtained by American media outlet Today. The children now live with him, but “it is in the best interests of the minor children that the parties have shared parental responsibility.”

It didn’t help that celebrity gossip site TMZ claimed that Jonas had “been caring for their 2 young children ‘pretty much all of the time,’ even as his band was touring,” for the past 3 months. 

Other keyboard warriors have been quick to point out that Turner is only 27 years old, while Jonas is 34. And that it’s no surprise she’d still want to hold onto some remnants of a life that a typical 20-something-year-old would have.

With these anonymous “sources” creeping out of the woodwork, Turner is being painted as the sole reason why the marriage has broken down. But with the couple releasing a joint statement saying nothing more than “this is a united decision,” and to “respect our wishes for privacy for us and our children,” what reason is there to speculate anything beyond that? 

Also read:

I Tried Boudoir Photography As A Pregnant Woman & Learnt That Motherhood Is Hella Sexy

Why are mothers expected to be the main caretakers?

Had the tables been turned and Turner had been caring for her kids for 3 months straight while Jonas worked, no one would’ve batted an eye. And the same goes for a majority of mothers.

Instead of staying out late drinking with friends, I now expire by 10pm from looking after my kid.

This brings me back to my sad 1-hour beer o’clock. As I reached home to embrace my screaming child and put her overtired little arse to bed, it dawned on me that I’ve never had a “plan B” when it came to my kid – pun not intended. I’ve always had to deal with whatever situation was in front of me. And I just did it.

Have I deteriorated because of it? Absolutely. My physique, my identity, my freedom, and even my career have taken a backseat because there is just no other way out as a parent. I know that it’s a choice I made, but that doesn’t mean that the person who contributed half of my child’s DNA should get out of doing the difficult part of parenting.

This, I reckon, is why a good chunk of the internet is rallying behind Turner. Here are some notable comments I’ve seen:

And there are hundreds of similar ones that follow. I guess it’s obvious that the paparazzi smear campaign of Turner isn’t working out as planned. Thank goodness for better news literacy in this day and age.

It’s also pretty obvious that many are starting to see and call out the huge inequality in the roles mothers and fathers play in raising children. So even if Turner did neglect her offspring, this isn’t something that’s uncommon with numerous fathers around the world, Singapore included.

Cue the string of grievances I read daily on local mum groups on Facebook. Mums giving up their careers to stay home and look after the kids; mums being treated as servants by their spouse in their own home; mums being overwhelmed with caretaking duties to the point of depression; fathers having affairs; fathers staring at their phones all day even when they’re with the kids – the blood-boiling list goes on. 

We’re so tired of women having to bear the brunt of caretaking duties that we’re very, VERY ready to believe that Turner didn’t do anything wrong, and that Jonas is just being a crybaby. And we feel vindictive that finally, a man in a position of power and fame, might actually feel what it’s like to be as powerless as we are.

The world may be hearing our struggles, finally

Again, we don’t know the exact details of why Turner and Jonas’ marriage ended – and we should just listen to the couples’ statement, respect their privacy, and move on. 

Neither do we have a tangible solution for half-drunk beer and clueless dads. But at least one thing’s clear: the world is starting to hear and acknowledge our struggles – even if it’s indirectly through the divorce of an ex-Disney star and Queen of the North.

Cover: TheSmartLocal, Lionel Hahn / Getty

Also read:

6 Mothers In Singapore Share Their Thoughts On Why Breastfeeding Should Be Accepted In Public

The post Why Are Mothers Expected To Be Miserable? What Makes The Joe Jonas & Sophie Turner Divorce So Jarring appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Women At Work is a series where we uncover females making waves in their respective industries, carving out an inspiring career for themselves and for others. 
—
Having a family as a career woman is never an easy task ‒ you have to find a balance between working hard at the office and your domestic responsibilities. Sometimes, you might even face difficult choices such as having to quit your job to spend more time as a stay-at-home mother. 

But for Susan Ong, Income Insurance’s General Manager for Corporate Business, returning to work after having kids had always been her goal ‒ even after learning that her youngest daughter was diagnosed with a hearing impairment when she was 2 years old. 

We spoke to Susan to find out what it was like to juggle her career and take care of her family, the sacrifices she made to build her career, and advice to fellow working mothers. 

Returning to work after having kids

Can you give us a brief introduction of yourself? 

My name is Susan Ong, and I’m 57 years old this year. I am currently working at Income Insurance as a General Manager for Corporate Business, and I have been with the company for about 10 years and 8 months. 

How old were you when you gave birth to your first child? Why did you plan on returning to work after giving birth? 

I gave birth to my first child when I was 28 years old, and I returned to work because I grew up in a family where both my parents were working ‒ it was never in my plan that I would become a full-time housewife. 

At that point in time, my mother was also suffering from cancer, and treatments were very costly. It wasn’t common for people at that age to have insurance, so you can imagine just how expensive the medical bills amounted to. 

Considering the fact that I was also newly married, and had to repay housing and renovation loans, I went back to work straight away because I couldn’t afford to not have a steady flow of income. 

What was the biggest challenge that you’ve experienced as a working mother? How did you overcome it? 

The biggest challenge will always be guilt. At that time, a lot of my peers stopped working and became full-time mothers to take care of their kids. Since I chose to return to work, I felt guilty that I wasn’t able to take care of my children ‒ it made me question my decision, thinking that there was something wrong with me. 

Yet, at the same time, I wanted to pursue my career because I enjoyed the things I did. Eventually, I told myself that there was no point in thinking negatively, and I just had to find a way to manage both at the same time.

Learning that her youngest daughter has a hearing impairment

Susan celebrating her daughter’s birthday

How did you feel when you learned that your youngest daughter was diagnosed with a hearing impairment? 

My husband and I were shocked when we first heard the diagnosis, and after that, we became devastated. However, we didn’t allow ourselves time to spiral because we wanted to know what was the next step in helping our daughter. 

We went to read up a lot on the internet, and accepted the fact that our youngest daughter is suffering from a medical condition. Since then, we have devoted our time to educating ourselves on her condition and learning about the ways we could help her.

Did the incident change your mind about becoming a full-time career woman? 

I expected my daughter’s treatments to be really costly, so my husband and I made the decision to work harder, especially since expensive equipment such as a hearing aid is not covered by insurance. 

It motivated me to keep going and become successful in my career so I would be able to provide my daughter with whatever she needs to ensure her success in life. So to answer this question, no, it was never a consideration. 

Was there any support group you joined to tide through the waves?

There are actually a lot of support groups out there, and I joined a parent support group in NUH, which was established by a speech therapist who my daughter and I had been seeing. This group brought together parents who have children with hearing loss, and being part of it made me realise that I was not alone in the world.  

When I attended the gatherings, it made me count my blessings because I saw parents who were going through a lot more than me. At the end of the day, the support group gave me much-needed strength. 

Tips on juggling work and family 

Susan and her family at her son’s school concert

How did you juggle between work and taking care of your family? 

As a strong believer in spending quality time, I always set aside time for each of my four children after work. However, due to my tendency to arrive home at around 9pm, I prioritised spending time with the child who slept the earliest ‒ normally, my youngest daughter. Since I also incorporated therapy into our time together, she’s the only one who received a full 30 minutes with me. 

Apart from this routine, I also used my annual leaves to spend time with each of my children. For example, I took a day off for each child, and asked them what they would like to do for an entire day. This way, the day was solely dedicated to their preferences and interests.

However, because of my work schedule, there were also moments when I couldn’t be there for them. As such, I would make it up by volunteering at school and taking leaves to join them on school excursions with them. I wanted to let them know that despite not being able to spend time with them all the time, I will always be there, especially during important milestones. 

Has the situation changed now?

Things actually got easier when my youngest daughter entered secondary school. She was able to explain to teachers in school that she requires a hearing aid, and taught them how to operate an FM system provided by the MOE that allows her to listen better. 

I believe the change happened because I instilled in her from a young age the importance of learning to take care of herself, and the value of independence. 

Can you share some of the sacrifices that you’ve made to build your career? Do you regret making those sacrifices?

Back in the days, there wasn’t such a thing as work from home, so I mostly sacrificed my sleep to get things done ‒ I could manage to get through a day even without two days of sleep! 

I definitely do not regret sacrificing my sleep because I am proud of how far my family, especially my children, have come. Sometimes I would give a pat to myself and say, “Wow, you have actually done a good job.” 

Also read:

Women At Work: Why This 37-Year-Old Decided To Pursue Caretaking As A Career For 15 Years & Counting

Support at work and championing equal opportunities in the workplace

Susan and Income Insurance’s CEO Andrew Yeo

What are some of the support that you’ve received at work? How has it benefited you?

At Income Insurance, employees are provided with five days of Family Care Leave in a year, which allows us to take care of our children or parents when needed. This means we can accompany our family to medical appointments or attend to emergencies without having to use our annual leaves. 

Seeing how Income Insurance has put in effort in improving employees’ welfare, it is reassuring to know that we can go ahead and apply for the leave with peace of mind.  

Apart from Family Care Leave, our company also offers flexible work arrangements. Unlike some companies which enforce a strict work-from-office schedule, we are only required to return to the office when necessary, such as onboarding new joiners. 

Such an arrangement is beneficial for working mothers like me who may need a 30-minute break to pick up their children from school.

Susan and her daughter at the Purple Parade

What inspired you to champion equal opportunities in the workplace?

My children are the ones who inspire me to do so because they advocate for various social causes, and they made me realise the importance of inclusivity. Sometimes I even join them at parades such as The Purple Parade, which shows support to people with special needs, and raises awareness about them. 

Everyone is equal, and at the end of the day, our goal is to educate society and create an environment where people are treated the same.  

Plans for the future & advice to working mums

Susan and her family

What are some of your future career plans? 

Rather than having a specific career goal, I am someone who is keen on learning something new. When I stay in an organisation, it is because there are opportunities for me to learn and grow, personally and professionally. This has been the path I have followed throughout my life and career, and I anticipate it will continue to be so.

That being said, perhaps when I no longer have the learning opportunities, I may consider going to other areas where I can expand my knowledge and skills.

Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for working mothers?

Believe in yourself, and trust your decisions. Whatever decision you make at that point in time is correct, so don’t worry if it is right or wrong. 

What is one quote you live by?

“Always do good to others because it will come back to you”

This quote has always been my motto in life because I believe when you do good for others and help people, positivity will return to you.

Being Both A Mother & A Career Woman Has Taught Susan Ong The Importance Of Perseverance

The journey that Susan Ong took as both a mother and a career woman showed that it is never an easy one. Despite going through ups and downs, she managed to overcome tough times to be where she is now. 

Her story is no doubt an inspiration to all of us, and we hope that her determination to empower equal opportunities will never fade. 

All images courtesy of Susan Ong.
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.

Also read: 

Women At Work: This Director Of A Sex & Relationships Academy Shares Common Intimacy Issues From SG Couples

The post How I Juggle My Full-Time Job & 4 Kids, With My Youngest Having Hearing Impairment appeared first on ZULA.sg.

For many Singaporeans, happily ever after looks like this: getting married to the love of your life, having a child and starting a family together. With how normal all this seems, we don’t often hear about the struggles that some couples go through just to conceive a baby. 

In fact, 1 in 6 Singaporean women experience difficulty conceiving, yet the topic is still taboo. For 40-year-old Melissa, she went through three painful miscarriages — the last nearly taking her life — and two failed IVF cycles before she finally conceived her firstborn daughter in 2021. We spoke to Melissa, who shared with us her darkest struggles, and why motherhood is so important to her.

Struggling to conceive after marriage

Melissa during a photoshoot
Image courtesy of Melissa

Growing up with our parents by our side every moment, we don’t take the time to think of the sacrifices they went through for us before we were born. 

Melissa herself was unaware, sharing that, “I didn’t have much of an opinion on childbirth when growing up. I thought it was very common — I never saw anyone around me having problems conceiving either, including all the women in my family.”

So when Melissa first got married at 33 years old, it didn’t take long for her to feel excited from seeing two lines on the pregnancy test indicating that she was pregnant. Unfortunately, that excitement didn’t last long.

“Around five to six weeks into the pregnancy, my gynae told me that there was no heartbeat. We had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy.”

Despite feeling upset about the first miscarriage, Melissa still kept her head high. She thought that it was easy to get pregnant again, but little did she know that the second time around would take longer than she expected. She consumed some supplements and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) herbs to increase her chances of conceiving. Sure enough, she was pregnant again after three months of trying.

“The second pregnancy went on longer than the first. But after 21 weeks, my water bag broke and I had to be admitted to the hospital. Because there was no more amniotic fluid in my womb, the baby couldn’t survive. I was devastated.”

Aftermath of undergoing three miscarriages

Source

It took a long while for Melissa to grieve and recover from experiencing two miscarriages before trying again. She still hoped for another pregnancy — which eventually came — except this time, she wasn’t even aware that she was pregnant.

For ladies, a pregnancy scare correlates to missing a period cycle or two. But Melissa was still having her period, so naturally, she didn’t suspect anything. But one day, she had an abdominal pain so intense that she was rushed to the hospital. 

The cause of this sudden pain? A baby was growing in her fallopian tube instead of her womb, also known as an ectopic pregnancy. 

“Since the space in the fallopian tube was so tiny and the baby was growing bigger and bigger, the fallopian tube was on the verge of rupturing. Emergency surgery had to be done to remove the whole fallopian tube as it was beyond repair. The baby was around 10 weeks old at that point, and I didn’t even know about it until I had to undergo surgery.”

This meant that Melissa went through three miscarriages in total, with this last one nearly taking her life. If her fallopian tube had ruptured, Melissa would have suffered from major internal bleeding. 

At that point, things were looking quite bleak for Melissa. All three pregnancies resulted in her not having the chance to hold a baby in her arms.

To make matters worse, after doing a check up, she was informed that the other fallopian tube that she had left wasn’t looking too good either. She was diagnosed with Tubal Factor Infertility, which is a blockage in the fallopian tube that prevents the egg and sperm from meeting. There was an added risk of getting an ectopic pregnancy again if she were to try conceiving naturally. Her hopes of becoming a mother dimmed as time went on. 

Resorting to try IVF

Source

During this point of time, Melissa also saw her peers getting pregnant and starting families one after another. While she tried to be happy for them, deep down she was dealing with her own demons — wondering if she could ever be a mother and feeling the pressure of giving grandchildren to her parents.

Many of us can relate to the feeling of masking our pain in front of our friends and family. But with all that Melissa had gone through, the facade she put on hurt her tenfold. “I began to feel like a failure.”

Not wanting to give up, Melissa sought her gynae, who then recommended her to do In Vitro Fertilisation (IVF), a process where the egg is removed from the woman’s ovaries and fertilised with the male’s sperm in a lab. The embryo would then be inserted into the woman’s womb to grow. 

Her husband was quite sceptical about IVF at first. For reference, a public hospital charges up to $15,000 per cycle, whereas a private medical centre costs up to $22,000. Not only was it pricey, but they had also not heard of anyone around them doing the procedure before. Plus, they were worried about what others would think of them not conceiving naturally. 

But Melissa was desperate. She was already 37 years old by then. “I really did not care anymore. As long as the goal remained to have a child on our own, I had to convince him.”

In the end, her husband was supportive of them trying again because they really wanted to have a baby together. Going through with the IVF, Melissa had to find the strength to do a self-administered injection every day for around 10 to 14 days. She was informed that the embryos didn’t look good, but still went through with inserting the best one into her womb. 

However, the embryo did not stick. Melissa tried IVF again, and the second embryo did not stick either. Spending all this time going to and fro to the hospital and experiencing failure after failure soon began to take a toll on Melissa’s mental health.

Also read:

This Mother Of 4 Shares How Her Teenage Pregnancy & Breastfeeding Struggles Led To Her Breast Pump Business

Trying a different approach

Melissa with her husband when she was pregnant
Image courtesy of Melissa

As Melissa was going to try IVF again for the third time, the Covid-19 pandemic struck. This meant she had to wait longer to start a new cycle. It wasn’t exactly a bad thing — with the extra time, she decided to take her time and not to rush right into it.

“I really wanted to adjust my body and condition it to be ready for the third one. I didn’t want to fail again.”

While researching for tips online, Melissa discovered that many mothers went for Babies Bliss’ Fertility Strengthening Massage before undergoing IVF. On forum pages, women who succeeded in IVF, aka IVF Warriors within the community, were praising this treatment. Since Melissa wanted to leave no stone unturned to prepare her body for pregnancy, she decided to give this massage a shot.

“When I contacted them, they told me that I had to condition my body at least three to four months before starting my next IVF cycle. They visited my house and did this fertility massage that was so relaxing that I always fell asleep.

They also brought in calming herb scents and gave me tips on how to prepare my body for pregnancy, such as consuming specific types of tea, what ingredients to use when cooking and to put on socks at home to warm my womb.” 

But of course, even with all of that, Melissa also had to believe that things would work out for her. As she went through multiple Babies Bliss’ massages, she also tried to manifest good things ahead too.

Finally conceiving at 39 years old

Melissa with her daughter
Image courtesy of Melissa

For those who believe in the quote “things will get worse before they get better”, that was just what happened in Melissa’s journey that resulted in. 4 months after undergoing her third IVF, Melissa became pregnant again. This time round, she successfully got through the full pregnancy and gave birth to a daughter in July 2021. 

“When I first heard her cry, it was a feeling that cannot be described. All of us shed tears of joy and ever since then, our lives have changed. We’re happier as a family, and it made me feel like everything was worth it.”

The most fulfilling part of being a mother? “Watching her grow day by day.”

“I love looking at all her milestones, such as when she first ate, walked and talked. Sometimes, she would come and hug me and my tiredness melts away into happiness.”

TBH, listening to Melissa’s raw emotions while describing her daughter got me a little choked up. I can’t imagine all the pain and struggle she went through for years, and it made me suddenly feel extra grateful for my own mother too. 

Advice to all mothers out there

Melissa with her husband and daughter
Image courtesy of Melissa

Even though being a mother was all that Melissa dreamed of for a long time, she still couldn’t deny the inevitable self doubts, asking herself, “am I really a good mum?” But at the end of the day, she believes that as long as her daughter is growing well and is showered by her endless love, then hey, she’s actually doing a pretty good job. 

Growing older, Melissa also saw more people like her who were struggling to get pregnant. As she recalled her own experiences dealing with her condition alone without telling her friends, she realised that Singaporeans have to speak up about these issues. 

“More people need to hear of these stories, so that they will know how to seek the help that they need. But I also think that we have to be careful when approaching this topic, as it is a very sensitive one. Some might not want to talk about their struggles — and I understand, because I know what it’s like to feel defeated with every pregnancy failure.”

As an IVF warrior herself now, she tries to share whatever she can so that others won’t feel embarrassed to talk about dealing with infertility. Melissa also knows not to push her methods onto other mothers. After all, what works for her might not work for everyone, as our bodies are all very different. 

For ladies who are struggling with the aftermath of a miscarriage, Melissa wants to share, “take as long as you need to grieve. There is no definite time frame. Once you’re back on your feet and decide that you really want to be parents, speak to your gynae for advice.” 

“Take up hobbies to make you feel happier. Because when you’re happier, everything gets better.”

Melissa Shares Her Struggles & Success From Conceiving Her Firstborn Daughter At 39 Years Old

Even after all the blood, sweat and tears of conceiving her first born at 39 years old, Melissa is actually considering a second child. She’s planning to start soon since she’s already 40 this year, with extra determination to go through everything again. 

With Mother’s Day on 14 May this year, Melissa ends off with her well wishes, declaring that “Mother’s Day is not only for those who already have children. I believe that this day is also for people who are still trying to get pregnant, or mothers who have lost their babies.”

“All of you are still women and still mothers. I believe that we’re all doing great, and if being a mother is your true calling, don’t ever give up.”

Cover images courtesy of Melissa.
Some quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.

Also read:

Calling Off Her Abortion At 25 – Gwen Lee On Her Experience With Pregnancy During Covid-19 & Motherhood

The post I Finally Became A Mother At 39 Years Old, After 3 Miscarriages & 2 Failed IVFs appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Mothers are admirable for many reasons ‒ from going through the pains of delivering a baby to taking care of their child 24/7. To put it simply, they are literally Wonder Woman IRL. 

Apart from the hardships of raising a child, some of them also withstand the judgemental eyes of society when they breastfeed in public, despite it being a natural process to feed their children. While breastfeeding in public is becoming gradually more acceptable in today’s society, we asked 6 mothers in Singapore to share their opinions on the topic.  

1. “It can be a hassle to bring out milk and bottles”

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“Mothers would all agree that it can be a hassle to bring out milk and bottles, especially when you’re out for a long period of time. There is already so much other baby equipment you need to carry with you like diapers, and breastfeeding offers a better alternative. 

Between a wailing, hungry baby and breastfeeding in public, I think the latter is a more considerate action. I will feel paiseh if my baby cries uncontrollably, and I prefer to calm him down immediately by breastfeeding. 

Strangely enough, I don’t actually see mothers breastfeeding their babies in the public, and I feel that most of them would prefer to do so in a nursing room. The private space makes it easier for the mother to hold the baby and helps to also prevent exposing their breast by accident.”

– Helen, 28 

2. “Your baby is more important than public opinion, just do it”

Kim breastfeeding her baby in a nursing room inside a shopping mall
Image courtesy of Kim

“Having had two children, one of whom I still breastfeed at 2 years old, I’ve always breastfed in public. As long as you have a nursing cover on, I don’t think it is an issue ‒ people do look, but most of them empathise with having a new baby. 

It’s sad that mothers have to feel apprehensive about doing something as natural and wholesome as feeding their children in public places. Although most malls have a nursing room these days, you’re not going to want to run to a secluded corner to feed your hungry, wailing baby especially when you’re dining in restaurants or even outdoors.

Men are all about revealing clothing, but when it comes to seeing a bit of boob for the purpose of feeding a baby, suddenly it’s all sorts of disgusting. The problem is educating the public that breastfeeding is a natural thing and that is the only reason why women have breasts. 

For new mothers who are considering breastfeeding in public, I will say that your baby is more important than public opinion. Even if you have to whip your boob out to feed your baby without a cover, do it.”

– Kim, 30

3. “I admire mothers who try to normalise it”

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“As I was in a mummy group where everyone would try to breastfeed, it was comfortable to see that everyone else was also doing so in public. I find it more convenient as I won’t need to carry a huge bag filled with feeding bottles, formula milk, and milk warmer. 

With an increasingly informed public who are now more receptive to breastfeeding, I don’t think mothers are as uncomfortable about breastfeeding in public as before. Some people might find it awkward for them because they are not familiar with the concept of breastfeeding, especially those who do not have children. 

For new mothers who are considering breastfeeding in public, note that people will glance out of curiosity and not because they feel offended. If that happens, keep calm and continue to nurse your child. 

If you’re uncomfortable using a nursing cover, plan your trip around places that have nursing facilities. A quick search on Google will do the trick.”

– Natalie, 37

Also read: 

Goodwood Park Hotel Has A Pink-Themed High Tea To Celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness Month

4. “Get mum influencers to raise awareness as part of a campaign to normalise breastfeeding in public”

Image courtesy of Jessica

“Unfortunately, I don’t see many mothers breastfeeding in public despite it being more convenient. The reason is probably that we don’t feel 100% comfortable feeding an attention-grabbing, crying baby outside while possibly being leered at in a sexual manner or being judged. 

Instead, I think there can be an organisation that is pro-choice towards feeding children in general. For example, not shaming mothers for any of their feeding decisions such as using formula milk, breast milk, or even both.

A couple of suggestions for raising awareness of breastfeeding include placing signs that indicate certain areas are breastfeeding-friendly zones to help people overcome the stigma. Another method can be engaging influencers who are new mothers to raise awareness as part of a campaign to normalise it. Instead of legislation alone, these methods will help to overcome the social barrier. 

Ignore the haters, and remember that you are doing what is necessary and highly normal for you and baby.”

– Jessica, 32 

5. “It is a natural behaviour that should be normalised”

Image courtesy of Judith

“I am from the baby boomer generation, but there are even more traditional elderly who are not used to seeing mothers breastfeed in public. They are usually the ones who “reprimand” mothers for breastfeeding even when they have a nursing cover on. I have no issue with mothers who do so and I even show my respect to them. 

I didn’t breastfeed my daughters back then because they couldn’t latch on and after several tries, I decided to use formula milk instead. However, if I had the chance, I wouldn’t mind giving breastfeeding another shot. 

Breastfeeding is a natural behaviour for mothers to feed their babies, and it should be normalised. There are possibly a few ways to do so and educate others on breastfeeding such as including breastfeeding in the syllabus of health education for secondary school kids. 

It shouldn’t be taught to only girls, but also to boys so that they will learn that breastfeeding is a normal and natural process. This way, they won’t grow up having a stigma towards mothers who breastfeed in the public.”

– Judith, 60 

6. “Sometimes there isn’t any other choice other than breastfeeding in public” 

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“I used to be shy about breastfeeding in public and would always look for a nursing room nearby to feed my child. But an incident made me realise that I didn’t need to care about what others were thinking, especially when I was feeding my child. 

At that time, my child was crying and hungry, and I was rushing to find a nursing room in a mall. However, luck wasn’t on my side ‒ the nursing room was already occupied. I was definitely anxious because I wasn’t keen on breastfeeding in public since I heard about unwanted attention from passersby. But I had no choice and ended up breastfeeding my child on a bench in the mall. 

I was initially embarrassed by the behaviour but after a while, I noticed that I didn’t get awkward stares from other people. It hit me that I was the one overthinking and things weren’t actually so bad. 

But for those who still believe that breastfeeding is something that should be done at home, I urge them to stand in the shoes of mothers and try to understand where they are coming from. Sometimes they have no other choice but to breastfeed in public.” 

– Julian, 35

These Mothers In Singapore Show The Hardships They Go Through To Breastfeed

The responses from these mothers reiterate that breastfeeding is a natural process and it shouldn’t be something done only behind closed doors. Instead, it should be embraced and respected. 

While Singapore still has room for improvement to accommodate mothers who breastfeed in public, it is nonetheless assuring to see that breastfeeding is slowly becoming acceptable behaviour in our society. 

Cover: Image courtesy of Kim Wong and Jessica Lai

Also read:

This Mother Of 4 Shares How Her Teenage Pregnancy & Breastfeeding Struggles Led To Her Breast Pump Business

The post 6 Mothers In Singapore Share Their Thoughts On Why Breastfeeding Should Be Accepted In Public appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Many people will probably be able to tell you at what age they aim to get married and have kids. It makes sense. In an expensive society like Singapore’s, apart from financial concerns, potential parents need to consider if they are mentally ready to have children too. There’s no doubt most couples would wish to go through extensive planning before taking the plunge. 

As such, unplanned pregnancies are somewhat of a taboo in Singapore and a topic rarely discussed. Previously we invited our colleague, Gwen Lee, down for an episode of our YouTube series, Ask ZULA. During her interview, she shared about her unplanned pregnancy, calling off her abortion, navigating social media and experiences with motherhood. 

Finding out she was pregnant and considering abortion

Image courtesy of Gwen Lee

Realising she was pregnant

Gwen realised she was pregnant with her son, Jayden, “late into the first trimester”. Back then, she had missed her period but thought nothing of it as her menses was “not very regular”. 

It was only after she missed her period for the second month in a row when she decided to take a pregnancy test. Even then, the results were not conclusive as the test kit revealed a very faint line, leaving Gwen and her partner unsure of whether it was positive or not. 

Gwen took a second pregnancy test a week later when her period still had not come. This time, the result was definitely positive. Upon finding out, her “first reaction was to cry”. Gwen’s husband was younger than her and she had another year of university left to finish. The unexpected news caused Gwen to feel “troubled” and she “felt a lot of burden”. 

Gwen describes herself, at that point, being “not emotionally stable”. She experienced “mood swings” and said things that were “hurtful” toward her husband. Amidst all this, the couple decided their next step would be to consult a gynaecologist. 

Considering and calling off her abortion

Picture this: you’re 25, living in Singapore, with one more year left of school. Pregnancy would no doubt come as a big shock and would not fit into your current plans. Naturally, abortion would be a logical consideration. 

However, while she acknowledges it is a choice, Gwen personally did not “like the idea of abortion”. Her circumstances put her in a difficult situation full of emotional turmoil, as she had to consider going through a procedure that was against her beliefs. 

At their first consultation with the gynae, he was upfront with the couple. He asked if they were ready to have a baby, and, “if not, abort”, as it would be a better option than having and abandoning the baby. The visit ended with Gwen being prescribed pills for the abortion, with the date set for the procedure. 

When the time came for her to consume the pills, Gwen was “shaking” and she couldn’t bear to take them. The words of her gynae: “once you eat this, there’s no going back”, echoed in her head. In the end, the couple went back to the clinic to meet with the gynae again. 

During this visit, the gynae directly asked Gwen whether, instead of going through the abortion now, she was going to wait until the baby was “fully grown”. While blunt, this “woke [Gwen] up”. The consultation ended like the first, with Gwen being prescribed the pills for abortion. 

On the date of her second attempt, almost akin to a deja vu moment, “the same thing happened again”. But, this time, she spoke to a psychiatrist back at the clinic. The psychiatrist explained that the reason why Gwen was crying so much was because she was “not telling anyone”. She also stressed to Gwen that emotional support is extremely important. 

“You never try you never know”, was what the psychiatrist shared with Gwen after she expressed her fear of her telling her parents. The abortion was called off and the couple decided they would first work on telling Gwen’s parents. 

Her pregnancy journey 

Image courtesy of Gwen Lee

Telling her family and friends

Planning to tell her family was one thing, but execution was far from simple. According to Gwen, she didn’t reveal her pregnancy to them for “2 months”. 

The distress caused Gwen to be noticeably different, both emotionally and physically. When she was home, she would often lock herself in her room. Gwen didn’t eat well and lost weight to the point she was a mere “38 to 39kg”. 

“You can call me crazy, cause that’s the word I would describe myself [with] back then”, Gwen shared. Although her whole family felt “something was wrong”, her sister was the first to find out, and she encouraged her to open up to their parents. 

“It’s okay, come home”, was the text Gwen’s mum sent her when her parents eventually found out about the pregnancy. Her parents’ affirmation and love gave Gwen the resolve she needed to keep the baby. 

Gwen’s close friends were equally supportive. They expressed their happiness for her and even got excited at the possibility of being “godmothers and godfathers”. This assurance from her friends also helped Gwen “feel happy to be a preggie” and look forward to being a “soon-to-be mum”. 

Schooling while pregnant

However, Gwen still had a year of school left when she found out about her pregnancy. She chose not to quit or take a break from school. Instead, she completed her degree programme while pregnant with Jayden. 

“I was scared to go to school because I was scared people would judge me”, Gwen mentioned. Luckily for her, the COVID-19 situation intensified right when her bump started to become more obvious. As such, she could continue her education online, physically away from potential judgment from peers.

Funnily enough, Gwen’s estimated due date, 16 June 2020, happened to be the day of her final class in university. During this time of schooling while pregnant, Gwen was also working on her Final Year Project, otherwise known as FYP.

Going into labour unexpectedly

Source

“Bam! Shit happened. Jayden decided to burst my water bag 1 month early”. The arrival of Gwen’s son came prematurely. Coincidentally, she went into labour on the day she was supposed to ROM, something she had to wait a long time for due to the pandemic. 

“Everything was in a mess”, Gwen shared regarding her experience of going into labour. Many things, from school to her ROM, were racing through her head at the hospital. Baby essentials like breast pumps and milk bottles were on her mind too. The couple even considered completing her ROM ceremony while waiting. 

Gwen asserts that rushing to formalise her marriage was not all about being “geh kiang”. She had many valid concerns, one being requiring the marriage certificate to qualify for the government’s Baby Bonus scheme. 

Luckily, everything worked out in the end, as Jayden was born a day later. In the interim, Gwen had the assistance of family to settle miscellaneous matters such as buying supplies like the baby cot. 

Experience as a mother of a newborn

Image courtesy of Gwen Lee

When comparing the challenges of being pregnant against that of a newborn’s mother, she jokingly remarked she would “rather be pregnant”. She added that during her pregnancy, she didn’t “suffer from what most mothers would”. Gwen highlighted the worst symptoms she experienced were swollen feet “once or twice”. 

Among the challenges of being a newborn’s mother, Gwen had a particularly difficult time with breastfeeding. “I suffer a bit from oversupply”, said Gwen, which essentially meant her body produced more milk than Jayden required. “It was a happy problem”, Gwen thankfully added. 

To put it into context, while most newborn mums would be able to pump their breast milk in 3 to 4 hour intervals, Gwen had to do so every hour. Due to the oversupply, her breasts often became engorged too, causing pain and discomfort that’s similar to a “cramp on your boobs”,  according to the first-time mum. 

Also read: 

Postnatal Depression: How I Overcame My Mental Health Crisis After It Sent Me To The Emergency Room

Navigating social media while pregnant 

Gwen’s reveal scan on social media
Image courtesy of Gwen Lee

Going public with her pregnancy

Multiple factors came into play that led to Gwen’s decision to go public with her pregnancy. One reason was that once Jayden would be born in a few months time, there was no way to hide [him] anymore. In a way, the reveal was inevitable. 

Arguably, the biggest reason though, was that people were already talking about her pregnancy. From acquaintances, mutual friends and even “sadly” some close friends, rumors about Gwen’s pregnancy had spread. “I was angry, I was hurt”, Gwen explained, and she had spent a significant amount of time confronting those said close friends. 

Eventually, Gwen decided to rip the band aid off since “people already knew”. “I had nothing to hide”, Gwen asserted, and she would rather be open about the pregnancy than have naysayers gossip about her situation. 

She also received advice from her husband and close friends to “think about the positive side”, and to consider the people who would be nothing but happy for her pregnancy. 

Responding to naysayers 

Gwen received her fair share of backlash on social media – think of your usual remarks about shotgun marriages and whatnot. Some netizens even compared her to other young social media personalities who were public about their own pregnancies. 

“I felt very pissed off, to the point I threw my phone”, Gwen openly shared about being riled up by negative comments. However, she thought to herself, “so what”. She remarked that even if the pregnancy was unplanned, we should be supportive of these mothers instead of shutting them down. She also implored others to think about how pregnancy at a young age, with its host of challenges, is “not easy”. 

Gwen explained that receiving positive messages from friends and colleagues were “more assuring”. They helped her to cope with negative comments and eventually outweighed them. 

Using her platform to help others 

Being open about her journey on social media gave Gwen the opportunity to be a source of advice for others. “It was great because I could lend a helping hand”, Gwen shared. Many of her followers would ask Gwen questions about where to buy certain items or how to deal with aspects of pregnancy.

Relationship with her husband 

Like with any milestone, the dynamics of a relationship will change with the presence of kids. Gwen’s relationship with her husband was no exception. 

“Jayden brought us closer”, Gwen said of her son’s presence. “It felt like a family, and I love that feeling”. 

Gwen also pointed out that Jayden has made her husband more appreciative of her. She highlighted a specific example where her husband would at times come up to her and massage her neck. At the same time, he would thank Gwen for being such a “strong wife”. 

“We grew together, we matured together”, was how Gwen summed up the impact her son’s presence had on the couple.                             

Plans for the future 

Source 

The interview wrapped up with Gwen sharing plans about the future of her son, who is now just over a year old. 

Gwen intends to “go with the flow”, considering herself as someone who does not have completely concrete plans in life. For now, Gwen’s focus and priority is on Jayden and to “expect the unexpected”. 

When asked about what she’s looking forward to in Jayden’s future, Gwen answered that she is content with him “growing up healthily” and “happily”. The new mother also added that her son will “hopefully have a sister or a brother” as she has always loved children and wishes to have more. 

Calling off her abortion and unplanned pregnancy at the age of 25

We can plan and chart out our life as much as we want, but more often than not, things might go awry. But, while that may be the case, life will somehow always find its way. Gwen’s story is testament to that.

Gwen’s sharing has shown us that rather than stigmatising the notion of unplanned pregnancies, we should look towards supporting mothers, in whatever decision they choose. Be it keeping the baby or choosing an abortion, as long as we’re responsible for our own decisions and actions, we should not be afraid of travelling the road less taken. 

If you’ve enjoyed reading and have learnt from Gwen’s story, check out our feature on Jasmine Hu, a single mother who raised 4 children single handedly. 

Quotes have been edited for clarity and grammar.
Cover: Source, images courtesy of Gwen Lee 

Watch the full Ask Zula episode below:

Also read: 

Living As A Trans Woman In SG – What It’s Like Dating & Undergoing Hormone Therapy As Shared By A 20-Year-Old

The post Calling Off Her Abortion At 25 – Gwen Lee On Her Experience With Pregnancy During Covid-19 & Motherhood appeared first on ZULA.sg.

Having children is a life-long commitment and there are many factors to consider before deciding to have a kid. As times have changed, we’re starting to see more women speak up about not wanting to have kids in this day and age. 

We spoke to 8 Singaporean women to find out their reasons and how they’ve dealt with the expectations of having children despite their decision.

1. “The cost of having a kid is not cheap in Singapore”

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“I dated my husband for 2 years and we’ve been married for 9. I don’t want to have kids because of the heavy financial burden, as the cost of having a kid is not cheap in Singapore. Additionally, as a workaholic who enjoys my job, I prioritise my career. 

My partner is approving of this mindset. We came to the conclusion of not having kids together due to financial factors. My parents are cool with it too as they just want us to be happy in our marriage, but our friends are puzzled as to why we didn’t want kids since we personally love kids. I have thought about having children when I was younger, but as the standard of living progresses, it’s hard to have another mouth to feed.

We shouldn’t be pressured by society and should just lead our own lives, instead of following the “normal” standard of a textbook-guide couple. Raising a kid in the past seems easier as compared to now as life was simpler then. But now, it’s much more competitive.

Not having kids doesn’t mean that we cannot achieve what we want when we are older.”

— Kaitlyn Leow, 41

2. “I haven’t really enjoyed my life yet and I want to improve on myself”

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“I’ve been attached to my boyfriend for 6 years and I don’t want to have kids because I feel like I haven’t really enjoyed my life yet. This includes things like travelling, making time for my hobbies and improving myself both physically and mentally. Furthermore, I feel like having a child will hinder my plans of getting a degree and advancing in my career.

My boyfriend is more than approving and he shares the same sentiments as we had a talk quite early into our relationship about our expectations. [However], my family has this stance that “if a woman does not have children then she is not really a woman”. They are rather apprehensive of the fact that I do not want children and occasionally bring up the topic that it is only right for me to have children. I’ve nicely told them that they were in no position to demand grandchildren as I had my future planned out. 

I left my house when I was 19 and was forced to become an adult. Thus, going to work and earning money to pay rent, afford basic necessities and pay bills made me realise how much I wanted to improve on myself instead of having another huge responsibility of a child. I want to focus on my education, career, and have time for myself.

I don’t feel any pressure from society as I’ve reached a sort of epiphany where I feel that my needs come first. I’m lucky that my partner and his family are okay with my decision. Children should never be seen as a retirement plan or as a goal to “complete” a marriage.”

— Isabel Lee, 25

3. “Having a womb does not automatically mean we must have children”

“I’m single and I feel that children are too much of a responsibility for me and finances are running outrageously high. I’d rather not be in debt. Also, I personally think that having a womb does not automatically mean that we must have children.

My parents were initially shocked and didn’t understand my decision. But I made it clear to them that I am responsible for living my [own] adult life.

As a child, I naturally thought that having children is something to check off in life. I felt pressure from my family because some disapproving relatives from the older generation still use the line “you will change your mind in future”. But once I hit my 30s, I foresee the pressure will be greater on me to get attached and give birth in order to be a “complete” woman. 

In my opinion, it’s harder [to raise a kid] now considering the rising costs and the increasing demand for better tuition and schools for children to get a headstart amongst their peers. I despise the saying that children are needed to complete a family. In order to be complete, you have to feel complete first. People don’t condemn women who can’t conceive, so why condemn women who won’t conceive?”

—Elle Liew, 24

4. “I’m scared of pain and pregnancy”

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“My partner and I have been together for 6 and a half years. My reasons for not wanting to have kids are mostly internal influences. Firstly, I’m scared of pain and pregnancy. It seriously gives me bad vibes [thinking] about something growing inside me like an alien. I [also] don’t want to lose my freedom as I love to travel and would like to be able to be spontaneous. 

There are several other women in my extended family who are child-free, women with only one child and women with big families. I think growing up this way made it natural for me to think that it’s totally a choice [to have kids]. And my choice was always to have no kids.

Somehow, I knew since I was a kid that I don’t want children. Even though I’m an only child, my parents have never spoken about grandchildren. My mum has always made it clear that you should want to have children. She always said to me, “you were planned and wanted”.

Having kids is a personal choice. So if you feel that you need children to complete a marriage, make sure you find a partner that feels the same way about it. I think people should be self-sufficient. My parents often told me growing up that they don’t need me to worry for them and that they will take care of themselves. As I grew up and grew older, I realised how prevalent this mindset is.”

—Thabye Soe, 40

Also read:

8 Millennials Who Used To Hate TikTok Share The Reasons Why They Now Love Using It

5. “I know that I am someone who focuses a lot on my work”

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“I’m currently single, but I do not want to have children because of 2 factors: my career and fear of not living up to expectations. I see myself completing my masters and PHD while working part time [in the future]. Taking time into account, I don’t think I have the capacity to properly care for another human being. 

Moreover, I am a perfectionist. I do things in a step-by-step manner, [thus] I am worried that I will make the wrong decision or end up being a terrible mother by not giving them my undivided attention. I know that I am someone who focuses a lot on my work and splitting my time is not good for both the kid and myself.

My friends and family are aware [of my decision] because I talk about my career progression and future ambitions all the time. They are generally curious about my strong stance, but still support it. In fact, I never thought about wanting kids from young. I don’t really feel pressure from society because I think I am pretty headstrong and think about my work a lot. 

I feel that children should be filial to their parents. Our parents sacrifice so much for us and it is only right that we give back. I can’t speak for other families, but my parents are okay with me being unmarried because we have open conversations about it.”

—Natalie Ng, 22

6. “I’m not interested in being part of the competitive community of Singaporean parents”

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“I’ve been attached for 6 years and I’m not interested in the cost and responsibility of having kids. It’s tough to get your kids to be of a certain level of success. Societal pressure [on kids] in Singapore is no joke. Kids peer-pressure other kids, and parents peer-pressure other parents. It takes a lot to raise your kid in the way you want to.

I’m not interested in being part of the narrow-minded, conservative and competitive community of Singaporean parents. The competitive system here creates an environment where more parents are emotionally uninvested in their kids. Many treat their kids as investments that will have a future payoff. It is capitalistic and horrifying.

My boyfriend happens to want to be child-free too, as he has a hereditary disease that he doesn’t want to pass on. Though we have different reasons, our goals are the same. To those who suggest that people may regret not having children, I think that regretting having children is way worse because you have to live and pay for the lifelong consequences.

I do feel pressure from society to eventually have children someday, but I don’t care about these pressures or people who exert these pressures. You have to make your life choices based on your own goals and vision. It takes time to build this courage to make the decision to not compromise on what you want your life to be. 

For a successful marriage, you also need to invest in your kids emotionally. Teach them good values, how to respect others, and manage themselves. Even so, you should not expect [payback] from your kids who did not ask to be born.”

—Emily Koh, 35

7. “I don’t know if I can be selfless enough to give up my comfort level”

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“I’ve been attached for almost 5 years. I think that I grew up in an environment where my parents could provide a fair amount of comfort level for me, so I don’t know if I can be selfless enough to give up that kind of comfort level. I also have the mindset that if I can’t provide the best for my future children then I’d rather not give birth [at all].

My partner wants children, but he’s also very respectful of what I think. We haven’t actually come to a conclusion on this. My parents [also] weren’t too happy about this because they feel that [having children] is part and parcel of life. But at the end of the day, they know the decision is mine to make.

I did think of having children when I was younger, but as I grew older I just realised that I’m too comfortable [where I am] to give up that comfort. I think at the end of the day, you have to live through your decisions so it doesn’t really matter. 

Practically speaking, it was a lot more affordable to have kids [in the past]. Nowadays, with more emphasis on societal issues such as mental health, there are more things to worry about.

I think the mindset of having kids to take care of you when you are old isn’t as relevant now. Most of us in Singapore are relatively literate, we can mostly provide for ourselves when we’re older. It has become important to future-proof ourselves.”

—V, 25

8. “I don’t understand the purpose of having a child”

“I’m single and I think that there is just no value in having children. Even at the age of 40, I don’t understand the purpose of having a child. As it is my body and my mindset, if my partner is not able to accept it, why should I even be with my partner?

I have friends around me who believe in the same [mindset] as I do. However, my family members think I am weird and somewhat unreasonable. I don’t think I should live my life to please them at this age. Even if I were to have one child, many will ask me to have another. This is a never ending cycle that is not mentally healthy. 

I’ve never thought about having children when I was younger as I always think I am still a child. At times, I will feel like my mindset is wrong due to societal pressures. But I’ll always ask myself, “why should I live my life the way the society wants me to?” 

The government promotes a nuclear family with traditional mindsets of having children to complete a family. Apartment advertisements always reflect a family with kids to depict a happy family. This has subconsciously been built into the mindset of people. Yet to me, a marriage is complete only via the hard work and communication of the couple first.”

—Lilin Ng, 40

These Women Who Don’t Want To Have Kids Show Us That There Are Many Important Factors To Consider

It might be easy for most people to casually ask “Why don’t you want to have children?” However, these women have shown us that deciding to have a child is not that simple. 

As we are progressing as a society, more women are stepping out from the stereotypical assumption of being a mother. Different women have different priorities in their lives, and eventually we should all make decisions based on ourselves rather than by others’ expectations.

Cover: Source, source

Responses have been edited for grammar and clarity.

Also read:

Why Millennials Like Me Don’t Want Children, And It’s Not About Money

The post 8 Women Share Why They Don’t Want To Have Kids In This Day And Age In Singapore appeared first on ZULA.sg.