When I was younger, I had the makings of a diva. I thought I was hella cute, charming and had the confidence of a rock star. In fact, my signature move to aptly display my disinterest was to dramatically flip my hair/veil over my shoulder before making my exit.
However, this self-esteem gave way the moment I entered primary school. At the impressionable age of 7, I was taught that as an Indian, my hairy arms made me less appealing than my Chinese or Malay counterparts.
One incident that stuck with me was when two of my group mates loudly whispered to themselves about how “ugly” I was. Although it seemed like an insignificant event, that comment embedded the seed of insecurity and inferiority in me.
Fast forward to my teenage years, I started to obsess over my atypical looks, only to be reminded of how different I was through mainstream media. Beauty advertisements babbled on about whitening creams. Local TV shows mainly featured Chinese actresses. I felt displaced and under-represented.
If the epitome of ‘Asian beauty’ somehow became synonymous with ‘oriental beauty’ at large, where did that leave the rest of us?
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Being told that you’re ‘black’ every so often is not much fun, even if it’s just a joke—especially if it’s a joke. More importantly, unless you’re colour blind, you should know that I’m brown. What I’m bothered about is the use of ‘black’ as a derogatory term. I don’t get why every slightly tanned Chinese person is nicknamed ‘Indian’ and ‘Black’.
Once, I told my Chinese friends that I’ll only let them call me ‘Black’ if I could call them ‘Yellow’. The fairest of them all vehemently rejected my proposition, saying, “NooOooO I’m not yellow, I’m fair.” To which I replied, “Okay then, we’ll settle for a compromise; you’re pale yellow.” That shut her up all right.
As I grew older, the illusion that Singapore is a truly racially harmonious country gave way when I realised that racism is more than skin deep.
There’s racism present in our housing market where landlords explicitly state their preference for, “No Indians, No PRCs.” There’s even racism in some of our third generation Singaporeans being denied their nationality just because they come from a minority racial group.
Once, I submitted a passport-sized photo of myself after being selected for a job. After receiving the picture, the employer completely ghosted me.
I understand that certain jobs require the employees to speak Mandarin. But when the employers confirm me for an English-speaking role, only to ghost on me after they see a picture of me with a piece of fabric over my head? Tell me it was my “skill set” that didn’t make the cut.
The worst part is when the majority won’t even acknowledge the underlying prejudice as they’ve probably never been discriminated against before.
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As a Hijabi, I’ve been mistaken to be Malay to even Punjabi (what even?!). Despite the number of times I explain that I’m both an Indian and a Muslim, most people seem uncomfortable when they’re unable to ‘classify’ my ethnicity. In fact, many of them don’t even know that being Malay =/= being a Muslim.
So let me explain the difference: Ethnicity is inherited from one’s ancestors and encompasses the cultural aspect of one’s life. Religion, on the other hand, is a belief in God/Gods and is something one chooses to subscribe to.
With that definition, it’s possible for someone to be a person of Indian ancestry and subscribe to Islamic principles. I’ve met Christian Malays, Hindu Chinese and atheist Indians. It’s not all that hard to figure out if you understand the intricacies with regards to race and religion.
More importantly, it’s okay if someone comes from an ambiguous background. We don’t always have to staunchly hold on to our cultural identities and deny the authenticity of another person’s identity just because we don’t understand it.
When it comes to B/G relationships, if a girl of a minority race gets together with someone of a majority race, sometimes it’s negatively viewed as her “climbing up the social ladder”. This brings about prejudice-fuelled exclamations of, “OMG your boyfriend is Chinese?!”, as though it’s supposed to be an #achievementunlocked.
And it works both ways. Some of my family members who married outside our racial group were labelled ‘betrayers’ for abandoning their own kind.
Every time I attend an interracial wedding, my mother makes me promise that I’d never do such a thing. Although I respect my mother’s wishes, I believe that love is blind to discrimination and we shouldn’t impose unnecessary judgement on others.
My favourite quote of late has been,“Privilege is invisible to those who have it.”
I’m not saying that we should abolish “majority privilege”. However, we should make an effort to empathise with people who are in a less advantaged state than us.
My journey to take charge of my self-esteem was a difficult one. But I’ve learnt that I don’t need external validation to feel confident or beautiful. I based my self-confidence on what my inherent strengths and weaknesses were, and not by looks.
Singaporeans have the concept of “racial harmony” drummed into our heads since young. Although we’re taught to get along and ignore the undercurrent tensions, sweeping such issues under the rug won’t help for long. Instead of maintaining the status quo, we should all be more #woke Singaporeans.
This article was first published on 4 May 2017 and last updated on 28 January 2024.
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