My Mother Stopped Speaking To Me For Dating Outside My Faith—Here’s How I Learned To Set Boundaries

How I navigated an interreligious relationship my mother disapproved of

In multicultural Singapore, interethnic and interfaith relationships ought to be the norm but are still met with some backlash, especially among its more conservative elderly. In a country where filial piety is highly emphasised, we all want our parents to accept who we love, but what happens when they don’t? 

Meet Sakinah, a 27-year-old personal trainer currently in an interracial and interreligious relationship. She is Indian and was raised in a Muslim household, while her partner is Chinese and agnostic. Sakinah comes from a conservative Muslim family, where interreligious dating is frowned upon, especially by her staunch Muslim mother, who stopped talking to her because of her current relationship.

In her Lemon8 post, Sakinah discusses how she handles her relationship and the challenges it has created in her home life. While she’s a firm advocate for living on one’s own terms, navigating her interreligious relationship and its dynamics has also taught her the value of patience and perseverance. 

For anyone currently in a relationship with similar struggles, Sakinah hopes her story assures you that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel.

How they met

Sakinah met her partner, Allan, 31, on an online dating app. They’ve been dating for 2 years now. When ZULA asked her why she fell for him, Sakinah shared that Allan pushes her out of her comfort zone and challenges her beliefs, which she believes is essential for growth. 

Initially, Sakinah did have some reservations about dating her partner, especially because they came from different backgrounds.  Still, communication helped them overcome these differences: “Having an open conversation with him, especially at the start [of our relationship] really allowed me to understand his perspectives as well”.

When Sakinah first told her mother about her relationship, the elder reacted with disappointment. Since Allan was not of the same faith, Sakinah was going against her mother’s wishes for her daughter to marry a Muslim man.

This disappointment was something Sakinah expected, but she still chose to be honest about her relationship instead of hiding it from her family. Motivated by the value of living authentically, Sakinah emphasised, “I cannot control what she thinks, but I can control what I share with her.”. 

“I cannot control what she thinks, but I can control what I share with her.” 

How her mother reacted

To show her disapproval, Sakinah’s mom would ice her daughter out for weeks, treating her as if she were invisible, even going as far as to ignore her in real life. In her mother’s eyes, she felt that if Sakinah wasn’t going to listen to her, she wouldn’t talk to her daughter either. 

 

Her mom’s strong desire for her daughter to marry a Muslim man isn’t completely misplaced, even if her reactions might appear extreme to some. Although there are many different interpretations of interfaith marriage in the Quran, Majlis Ugama Islam Singapura (MUIS) has a clear interpretation of what’s allowed for Muslims.  

In Singapore, MUIS permits both Muslim men and women to strictly marry Muslims. If one of the two partners is a Muslim convert, there have to be documents to prove that the religious conversion is valid. If either party doesn’t fulfil this, their marriage will be nullified and considered invalid. 

Because of these religious stipulations, Sakinah’s mother had to balance the inner conflict of wanting to support and love her daughter, as well as being worried that she would stray too far from the Muslim faith. 

“I don’t think I would want him to convert unless he is fully convinced of the faith because he is also an autonomous individual.” 

However, Sakinah left the faith a long time ago, and no longer considers herself a Muslim. Even if she were still Muslim, making Allan convert to the faith is not something she would enforce, believing that no one has the right to impose their religion on others. 

“I don’t think I would want him to convert unless he is fully convinced of the faith because he is also an autonomous individual,” she mentions. 

How she coped when her mother stopped talking to her

Sakinah admitted that it was difficult and frustrating when her mom first stopped talking to her. To try to make some sense of the situation, Sakinah talked to her dad and he advised her to keep trying to get her mom to come around. 

To get her mother to talk to her again, Sakinah would try to initiate regular conversations on topics unrelated to religion, as well as ask her mother about her day. Sakinah would also often buy her mom gifts to show her sincerity.

Fortunately, the situation has gotten much better. Today, they are back on talking terms, although there are times when Sakinah’s mother will steer the conversation towards religion, which Sakinah tries her best to divert from. 

Her father’s presence also helps mend the relationship during charged times, since he tries his best to talk to her mom about letting Sakinah live her life on her own terms. Sakinah’s father is also a Muslim convert, choosing the faith because of his marriage. Originally Hindu, Sakinah’s father understands firsthand the importance of not letting questions of faith shake a family’s bond.

What she’s learnt from being in an interreligious relationship

Despite all of the struggles she’s encountered throughout the journey, Sakinah doesn’t regret the experience one bit. Going through this journey has made her become a more empathetic and patient person in general. It also allowed her to rediscover herself as a person. 

She’s also had the opportunity to make new friends who share the same sentiments about relationships and religion. With them, she’s had conversations that made her more open-minded. 

For those going through the struggles of interreligious dating, Sakinah has 3 pieces of advice. 

Firstly, it’s to boldly follow your gut and date someone without letting external pressures shape your decisions. Whether end the relationship or end up married, it’s a win-win situation. You are either in a successful relationship or you get to experience life lessons worth learning.

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Secondly, it’s to have patience. While it’s unfortunate and frustrating that your parents are not happy with your relationship, Sakinah says that you can’t expect your parents to fully understand your choices. As a solution, she advises you to learn to live peacefully with your parents and try to remember that they generally have good intentions.

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Lastly, she encourages you to find a supportive community. According to Sakinah, your life ultimately revolves around your choices, which include the people you surround yourself with.

Sakinah’s philosophy in life is asking herself: “If my parents were gone today, would I be okay living the life I am living?”. If she’s able to answer “yes”, then she knows she’s on the right path.

“If my parents were gone today, would I be okay living the life I am living?”

In the long run, Sakinah believes you must lead your own life and take responsibility for your decisions, regardless of how others judge you. Despite the parental pressures you may face, Sakinah emphasises that most parents truly want you to be happy and succeed in life. 

The ups and downs of an interreligious relationship in Singapore

If you can relate to Sakinah’s situation, we hope her insights have inspired you to live your life unapologetically and set boundaries for the decisions you’ve made. 

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All images courtesy of Sakinah.