*Names have been changed to protect identities
On the first day of secondary school, I met Jake*. He was 20 minutes late for class and casually strolled in with his uniform untucked. I remember thinking how cocky and arrogant he seemed, and how ‘suay’ his seat partner would be.
Back then, the ghastly 2010 Justin Bieber haircut was ‘in’. His hair looked like his mum put had put a bowl on the top of his head and trimmed the sides.
Jake, the bowl head, threw himself into the empty seat beside me, and just like that, we became seat buddies.
As I got to know Jake, I found him charismatic and funny. Often, we’d burst into laughter at the most inappropriate times. We became best friends, and surprise, surprise, I developed feelings for him.
Classmates loved to ‘stir’ us, calling us a couple. But to him, I was just his “best bro”. After a year of harbouring my secret crush, I decided to pluck up my courage and shyly confessed.
He was silent for a good ten minutes before he uttered, “I’m not ready for a relationship”.
In my head, I screamed “FML” but I calmly replied, “I don’t mind waiting”.
I figured there was still a chance he’d be ready when we were older. After all, he didn’t like anyone else, and he continued giving ‘signs’ that led me on.
Every so often, Jake would hug me and wait for the bus with me after our CCA ended. Whenever I asked him out, he’d always asked, “Where, what time?”
With my friends, I prattled on about Jake. “OMG really? He totally likes you lah” was their typical response.
I know they were only trying to be supportive, but their affirmation only encouraged my overthinking and belief that Jake and I would eventually date.
What seemed like a harmless crush on bowl-head Jake very quickly became an obsession: I was sure he would eventually end up with me.
Jake consumed my every waking thought, and I became desperate to impress him.
I would be the first to text him, and ‘resurrect’ conversations after he let them die with a “haha”. Every year, I bought him expensive presents and holiday souvenirs without fail.
I thought if I gave him everything without expecting anything in return, it was love. But in reality, my one-sided love wasn’t love at all.
A talk with my Mum made me realise how real love is about giving and receiving at the same time, and how my ‘love’ for Jake went largely unreciprocated.
Eventually, I got tired of waiting. In Secondary 4, I confronted Jake and demanded a ‘final’ answer. Unwilling to meet my eyes, Jake replied, “I’m sorry, I know how much you like me, but I don’t see you that way at all”.
It dawned on me Jake never liked me—he only liked the attention I gave him.
As the sting of rejection washed over me, I felt betrayal, anger, disappointment. My ‘love’ turned into pure hatred for the ‘guy of my dreams.’
While I played it cool in class, I called him a “c***bye kia” behind his back. I told everyone how he deliberately led me on just to feel good about himself.
Bad-mouthing him was wrong but I wanted him to hurt as much as I was hurting.
I was angry at him for giving me false hope and I felt betrayed because my waiting had been in vain. Most of all, my ego was bruised because I wasn’t ‘enough’ for him to like me back.
Even after we graduated, I was still salty AF and bitched about Jake whenever he came up in conversation. It took me two whole years to finally get over him.
When I did, I realised I said all those mean things because it was easier to blame him than accept how it wasn’t his fault for not wanting to be with me.
Jake wasn’t wrong for rejecting me, he was being true to his feelings. He didn’t find a meaningful connection with me, and I wasn’t entitled to his affections anyway.
Looking back, I guess the reason why the heartbreak affected me so much was that I kept avoiding the truth.
If I had admitted to myself that Jake didn’t have any romantic interest in me, I wouldn’t have wasted all those years pining for him.
I should have moved on instead of ignoring the answers he already gave me.
While it wasn’t right for Jake to lead me on, dissing him out of spite wasn’t the best idea. Forgiving him and letting go my bitterness helped me move on and become a happier person.
After the bad experience with Jake, I stopped dating for a bit because I was afraid of having my feelings hurt again.
But after some coaxing from my friends, they made me see how having one bad experience didn’t mean I was doomed to be #foreveralone. Jake might have toyed with my emotions, but it doesn’t mean every other guy would do the same.
Sure enough, I downloaded Tinder and went on some incredible dates that ended with coffee at their place. 🙂
As a 16-year-old, I confused infatuation for love. I clung tightly to the idealised version of love and set myself up for inevitable disappointment.
Projecting this idea of love onto Jake and expecting him to be my ‘dream guy’ only caused our friendship to suffer.
If I could go back in time and give my younger self advice, I’d tell her it takes courage to put yourself out there and to love someone is always a risk. But more importantly, don’t fall for a guy with a bowl-head haircut.
Related: Dealing With One-Sided Love
Cover image: Source
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