Unknown to many people, there are multiple types of non-monogamous relationships. 21-year-old *Aurora’s one of the few females in Singapore who adopts the belief of hierarchical polyamory; a relationship with multiple people where one main partner always comes first.
Through polyamory, there’s no topic she finds too taboo to discuss with her husband today. But in a conservative Asian society, upholding her beliefs hasn’t been easy—from dealing with insecurities to having her own parents call her a prostitute.
*name was changed to protect her identity.
Aurora:
When I was young, I dreamt of spending the rest of my life with a tall stunning man in a two-person universe. I’d watch movies about couples living happily ever after. But growing up, I couldn’t grasp that reality.
Most people date several partners until they find The One. I, on the other hand, found The One much earlier in life—he was my first boyfriend. I knew he was the one I wanted to be with till the day we die, but as I grew older, I craved for more romance and sexual experiences.
My husband believed in polyamory before he met me, and in the beginning I couldn’t accept it until a year later. The thing about polyamory is that the partners have to want and be ready for it. We never believed in marriage. But as odd as it may sound, we did it to settle visa complications he had, as he’s a foreigner.
To me, polyamory is a philosophical decision. It’s not about being greedy and sleeping with as many people as possible. It’s about allowing my husband and myself have the opportunity to love more than one person at a time.
Majority of relationships are monogamous these days and many couples break up because one party cheated on another, or fell out of love.
Even when you’re in a relationship, it’s normal to find others attractive. Sometimes, we might even fall in love with unexpected people at the unexpected moments—even when we’re already attached. Most relationships are monogamous, so it means that you’ve got to choose. But I don’t believe my partner or I should have to.
It’s all a matter of perception. If a guy dates five partners, people might brush him off as a player. But if he has five relationships at once and all of his partners know of each other’s existence, it suddenly becomes weird and disgusting.
In conservative Singapore, not many are willing to openly share that they’re polyamorous. The community in Singapore is bigger than it seems but it’s still much smaller than the LGBT community ‘cause most polyamorists are closeted. I typically find my partners on dating apps—those who indicate that they’re in an open relationship—and via a Facebook group I’m in.
I was dating a guy once who wouldn’t hold my hand outside because he was afraid of losing his job, should his colleagues ostracise him for being a polyamorist. Isn’t that ridiculous? It’s like losing your job because you broke up with your boyfriend. It’s hard enough for us to follow our heart, when the thing that makes us happy isn’t socially accepted.
My husband and I used to fight a lot due to insecurity and jealousy, but through it all, we’ve never thought of giving up polyamory.
You need a lot more trust and communication in polyamorous relationships because you’re placing each other in very vulnerable positions. For two people to see each other in relationships with others, you need to know how much you still mean to one another.
People ask how we handle jealousy because they cannot imagine their partners being with someone else while they’re still in a relationship with them. Jealousy is such a huge issue that if you don’t communicate effectively, you might end up in a toxic relationship.
It’ll also be very difficult for me to come out to my parents. They’re Indian and Christian, and if they find out, they’ll disown me. I’ll probably come clean with them in the future, but I’m not ready for them to know just yet.
People say love is selfish. But in Aurora’s eyes, her language of love is believing that there’s no single way to love, even in a polyamorous relationship.
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FYI for your next JB trip!