*Some names were changed to protect identities
You know how in steamy sex scenes, the couple always climaxes perfectly in sync? I remember secretly watching R-rated movies as a kid and thinking: so this is what sex is.
But when I got older and became sexually active, I realised those scenes were Hollywood BS. In reality, I rarely orgasm during sex, let alone in time with any of my partners.
Sex would go on for ages and to prevent my partner’s prolonged suffering, I’d make a few convincing moans and pretend the deed was done.
This continued for years, until I realised I favoured my own hand over an underwhelming Netflix and Chill sesh. Shouldn’t I be enjoying sex as much as my partner is?
While complaining to friends about my sex life, I discovered I wasn’t alone. Many girls in Singapore are guilty of faking the big-O. So I’ve made it my mission to let everyone know: you really need to stop.
Why do girls fake orgasms?
I got down to business and asked my girlfriends, “Why are you guys faking orgasms in the first place?”
Some like Jess, 20, thinks she could be the problem. “Maybe it’s my fault I’m not orgasming, so telling him would be unnecessarily upsetting. It makes more sense to act satisfied and focus on giving him a good time.”
But why pretend you’re having a good time when you’re not?
My friend Dana, 23, explains, “I think many guys are insecure about their sexual performance. I don’t want to shatter my boyfriend’s ego by saying he can’t make me cum.”
“And it’s too late for me to admit it now,” she adds. “He’ll realise I’ve been faking it for over a year.”
It’s not just a problem for long-term relationships either.
Sarah, 21, shares, “I fake orgasms during one-night stands because strangers just want to have fun, not have their performance criticised. I’d be ruining the heat of the moment if I was honest with them.”
So it seems the main reason why girls fake it is to spare the feelings of their bed partners. They want to make sure the guy doesn’t feel inadequate, but at the expense of their own pleasure.
Are we being too considerate?
While it’s great to care about your partner’s feelings, we girls tend to focus too much on male pleasure.
It could be society’s slut-shaming culture making us ashamed of our sexuality and thus take on a secondary role in sex. Or maybe it’s all the male-POV porn which depicts women as sexual objects to be acted upon.
Whatever the case, we’ve become almost too giving; sparing your man’s feelings does not get you incredible sex.
The assumed fragility of the male ego
Speaking of men and possibly hurting their feelings, we need to stop reinforcing the idea of male ego being fragile. It becomes an excuse to give in to them, the equivalent of saying “boys will be boys”.
Give guys some credit. It’s not their fault they sometimes come across insecure about their sexual performance as they’ve been socialised to treat sex as a conquest. Masculinity is often linked to the idea of being able to score girls, but not so much about making them feel good.
To many men, anyone who doesn’t make his girl orgasm is an anomaly and a failure. We need to start normalising how sex doesn’t always end with the big O and that it’s okay because there’s more than one way to have good sex.
Coming clean is a win-win situation
We can agree it’s not entirely a girl or guy’s fault bad sex happens. But the bashful attitude towards sex in Singapore needs to change.
It’s easy to point fingers at guys and go, “It’s their fault, they don’t know how to treat me.” Well honey, if you want to be treated some kinda way, you need to show him how it’s done.
Don’t be afraid to talk about sex! Your boyfriend probably wants to give you the best possible experience, and if he doesn’t… consider dropping him.
Often, guys aren’t ‘making it happen’ because they don’t realise female orgasms are a lot more complex than their own. 15 minutes of P-in-V may work for them, but not you. (Pro tip for male readers: don’t underestimate foreplay).
And if you stay sexually frustrated with your partner and never talk about it, it could cause strain on your relationship, or even lead to cheating.
If you’re worried how your man would react, don’t make your confession a big deal. Suggest trying some new sexy things together, or say the old stuff just isn’t working the way it used to.
Stop Faking Your Orgasms
Bottom line: you deserve explosive, toe-curling, body-shaking orgasms, just as much as guys want to know they’re making their ladies scream in the right way.
It’s time we reclaim our right to above-average sex, and stop fake-moaning to make our boyfriends and husbands feel good, because really, it doesn’t.
Cover image: Source