Two weeks ago, I was on the MRT en route to dance practice when I received a text from my boyfriend. It read, “One of our friends committed suicide”.
Accompanying the message was a screenshot of her latest Instagram post: a black square, and details of her funeral wake.
Initially, I was confused. I thought someone was playing a sick joke. She was only 19 years old, and just ten hours ago, her Insta Story showed she was out clubbing with her friends.
Although other friends confirmed the news of her death, no one knew how she died. I speculated it was alcohol poisoning as she had been out drinking. A part of me wanted her death to be an accident. “At least, it wouldn’t be so morbid,” I rationalised.
The next day, a local newspaper reported how she had committed suicide in the wee hours of the morning. The headlines stated: ‘Girl dies over argument with ex-boyfriend’.
As a young adult, she had a life to live. Yet, everything about her was reduced to a cold sentence.
She wasn’t some cautionary tale for other heartbroken young girls, or some story for coffee shop aunties to cluck their tongues at before flipping to the next page.
She had friends and a loving family, and we laughed and talked together. I remember how we’d take the train home together after work.
One time, she confided in me regarding her relationship problems. I told her if someone didn’t treat her right, he wasn’t worth her tears.
Before she alighted, I gave her a hug and told her to text me if she wanted to talk about anything.
Now, thinking about her death, I wish she had texted me that fateful night. If I knew her suffering, I would have sent her a text to check if she was alright. I would have reminded her she deserved all the good things in life and tried to change her mind.
But I know wishing won’t bring my friend back.
I understand how pain can drive someone to suicide, and how death and its nothingness can seem like a welcoming bed to rest on. I understand how, despite all the love surrounding them, people can still feel isolated, lonely, or uncared for.
Yet, I couldn’t help but feel upset at how selfish she was. She made that split-second decision to jump because one boy broke her heart. If only she could see how many other people cared for her, or how much she made her parents cry.
If you’re feeling down or feel the world is out to get you, know there are people who care. Know the sadness, and the overpowering impulse to end it all, will not last forever.
Especially if you’re a girl out of love, please think before you make that choice. Life is more than finding someone who wants you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t.
If you are feeling distressed, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, you can call 1800-221-4444 (Samaritans of Singapore) anytime you need to talk to somebody.
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