To My Friend Who Committed Suicide, I Wish I Had Recognised The Signs

To My Friend Who Committed Suicide

*Names were changed to protect identities

Three months before Julia took her life, she found out about her father’s affair.

He was in the shower when she saw a message from ‘Baby’ light up his unattended phone.

When she confronted him, he pleaded her to keep it a secret and vowed never to contact the girl again.

But four weeks later, her Dad broke his promise. While helping her Dad update Whatsapp, she saw message notifications from the same ‘Baby’.

Silently, she returned him his phone. Despite the pain, her desire to keep the family together was greater than the overwhelming sense of betrayal.

For years, Julia watched her mother rub her father’s back after he returned home from work. She saw her cook him his favourite dish for dinner, and thought to herself she had the perfect family.

But now, Julia felt ambivalent when she sat at the dinner table, numb to her parents’ chatter.

The longer her father kept up the pretense of being a loving husband, the heavier the weight of his secret grew.

To take her mind off things, she sought external validation. Dylan was the name of her distraction.

 

For weeks, they sat next to each other during breaks and whispered secrets into each other’s ears. As time went by, her crush for Dylan turned obsessive, and she poured over everything he did, every word he said.

I remember Julia shoving her phone into my hands after school one day, telling me to read the conversation she had with Dylan the previous night.

“He typed ‘haha’ instead of ‘HAHA’, am I not funny enough?” she agonised.

This carried on for a year until one day, she found out he had been lying to her.

“All guys are the same, all they do is lie just like my Dad!” she cried.

She had shouldered the weight of other people’s mistakes for too long and it had become too much to bear. Standing on the 15th floor of an HDB block, she threw her burdens and herself from the building.

When I heard the news, I was stricken with guilt. As a friend, I felt I should have done more.

I should have detected her signs of distress, and talked her out of ending her life.

I wish I had told her to stop being a people-pleaser and start chasing after her own dreams.

I wish I had told how she was infinitely valued, and how it wasn’t her fault her father had an affair.

When I saw her for the last time during the wake, I felt a sense of finality when I internalised the fact she would never come back.

Life moved on. As days passed, I put the pain and regret behind me, and chose to recall the fond memories I had with her. I remember her kindness during service sessions, and how she always put others before herself.

Since her death, I’ve paid more attention to friends and family who are having a hard time. I tell them to seek professional help if need be.

I want them to know they always have someone to talk to. Sometimes, a listening ear is all they need.

I hope Julia is in a better place now, and free from pain and worry. There were just too many burdens she was never meant to carry.

If you are feeling distressed, or know someone who is feeling suicidal, you can call 1800-221-4444 (Samaritans of Singapore) anytime you need to talk to somebody.

Cover image: Tumblr
This article was first published on 28 February 2018 and last updated on 14 January 2024. 

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