High Socioeconomic Standing

*If you haven’t figured it out, this is satire.

You’ve secretly lusted over high SES boys since they were in ACS (Independent).

Now you see them congregating in groups at Ce La Vi, and you dream of being invited to sit with them. The men with hankies folded in their breast pockets and S$30,000 Audemars Piguet Royal Oak watches glistening on their wrists. You still can’t pronounce Audemars Piguet so you just say AP.

It was all but a pipe dream. Until now. Because I am going to reveal the secrets to ensnaring a man with a socioeconomic standing higher than Bukit Timah Hill.

1. Wear heels

Wearing heels increases the tilt of your hips, accentuating your child-bearing capabilities and increasing your attractiveness. So be sure to strap on your heels while you sleep, take a shower, and especially when you make him an organic grass-fed beef sandwich.

You need those gams to look good for a man with a high SES, or he’ll just find another long-legged Bambi and you’ll have to go back to dating guys who take the MRT. Yuck.

2. Let him open jars for you

When confronted with a jar of whatever, widen your eyes and gasp. Look at him and ask what the cylindrical object is. Your high SES man will protect you from glass lids that oppress low SES women everywhere.

You know better than to ask his family’s three domestic helpers for assistance. Appeal to his sense of worth and masculinity. He’ll appreciate how vulnerable you are so make him feel big and strong.

3. Don’t poop

Please, in no situation should you let your high SES man know your body functions like a normal human being. Never let him see you go to the bathroom because you fart lavender and shit out rainbows, like the high SES woman you are. If you must go to the bathroom, tell him you are going to “powder your nose”.

The high SES man values hygiene and deserves only the best in life and pooping is something only low SES sinners do.

4. Makeup your face 24/7

Never let him see your bare face. Your exotic heritage has endowed you with naturally brown eyelids, and a touch of shimmer on the inner corner of your eyes. You were also born with eyeliner on.

The high SES man has no tolerance for a woman who isn’t naturally beautiful because that means the kids you will spawn are going to be ugly. He will sue you, and you will end up as a Facebook meme.

5. Always wear Lululemons

Good image comes at a price, and if that means S$200 leggings, make sure you’ve got five of those pants, one for each weekday. Your high SES man is counting on you to leave a high SES impression on his behalf.

You will wear your workout clothes even if you don’t go to the gym. How else would people know that you can afford to spend two hours perfecting your body every day?

Wear your Lululemons to brunch to make your friends jealous. Wear your Lululemons when you’re shopping. This will ensure better service from salespeople. Wear them to meet his mother; she’ll be impressed. Just wear them all the time, okay?

6. Go volunteer travelling

When he asks you where you want to go vacationing, tell him about the charitable work he can do in Bali. The high SES man will appreciate your thoughtfulness because going to a less developed country makes him believe he can single-handedly increase the local GDP by renting a villa and a personal driver.

Also, pale is no longer attractive in 2018. You want skin like roasted caramel carrots, but because you’re au naturel, you can’t go to a tanning salon. Therefore, regular trips to Bali is how you’ll maintain your tan. Your thoughtful contribution will be volunteering to bring your flamingo-shaped pool float.

7. Eliminate the word ‘no’ from your vocabularly

Everybody knows the high SES man likes his woman to be strong and independent, but not too individualistic. It’s good to have opinions. Just make sure they don’t clash with his. A rich man is a man who is always correct.

How else would he have acquired all that wealth? Not from his parents but from being right all the time!

The woman who has attained this wisdom makes him look good by agreeing with him on everything. The more you make him feel supported, the more he’ll fall in love with you—or at least, the concept of you.

Getting Married To A High SES Man

Following this guide will not only ensure you can get a high SES man, but also marry one too. Maybe they’ll turn your story into a Crazy Rich Asian sequel.

Good luck!

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Cover image: Source