The first time I went on a date with a boy, I was 16. We spent all evening talking about black holes and the universe and I remember thinking how much I really liked him… until he made me pay for my own movie ticket.
I was annoyed and appalled—Shouldn’t the guy pay for me?
Little did I realise how assuming my behaviour was. Now every time a guy offers to pay for me, I’ll politely snatch the bill, even if it means hogging the line and bickering like most Chinese families do.
Although dating rules may suggest otherwise, paying for your own share is important in a society that’s striving for equality.
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In dating 101, it’s suggested that men should always pay because it showed off his capability to provide for his woman.
However, in the modern era, most women have gained financial independence, and are perfectly capable of paying for themselves.
Personally, paying for my own share allows me to exercise my financial independence. Also, being able to afford expensive cheese at my own expense is seriously gratifying.
While it’s nice to let a man ‘treat’ me, I don’t want to be mistaken for a freeloader, and I don’t want him to feel used if I don’t call him back for a second date.
Plus, he wouldn’t have to feel pressured if I decide to order something out of his budget.
When I first told my mom about the guy who didn’t pay for my movie ticket, she said, “If a man won’t pay for you, then he simply isn’t worth your time”.
While my childish, 16-year-old self agreed, the current me questions her mentality about men justifying themselves through money in order to be deemed worthy of a woman’s time.
Her mindset places women on a pedestal, objectifying them as a ‘prize’ to be strived for and won by how much a guy is willing to pay.
If you ask me, I think dating becomes less romantic and more transactional if men are required to buy women’s time and affection.
My time is worth just as much as his, and we shouldn’t have to pay for each other’s company. After all, I’m here on the date because I want to, not because I’m paid to.
When a guy insists on paying for me, I get suspicious. I also feel obliged to return the favour, be it through another date or through sex.
I’ve been with men who insist on paying my food, just so they can bring me home. When I say no, they’d usually give me an annoyed look of “I paid for you and you won’t let me get in your pants?”
While not every guy thinks this way, I’ve learnt to put up my walls. Perhaps I have trust issues, but I’d rather be careful than automatically assume he’s a f***boy who only wants my body.
I feel if I don’t expect anything from a guy, he can’t expect the same from me. A first date also feels more pleasant if I’m not constantly worrying about having to pay him back.
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In the digital age of swiping left and right, a first date no longer signifies the start of a new relationship.
Today, most first dates begin with an awkward handshake and a series of questions about each other’s family histories and earning capabilities.
For the most part, it’s just a meal between two strangers who’ve just become acquaintances, who might or might not become more than friends.
If I don’t expect a friend to pay for my meal when we hang out, why should I expect a guy I barely even know to foot the bill?
Just because it’s always been the case that men pay for everything doesn’t mean the tradition must persist.
We live in an era where both genders demand equal rights in their lives. If that statement rings true, then why should dating only be a man’s game to chase and pursue?
Women should be footing the bill and making the ‘chase’ just as much as men are. We can’t pull the “I’m a lady” card to get ourselves out of situations just because it requires us to pay from our own pockets.
Expecting a man to woo your affections with his money is the equivalent of putting a price on yourself and haven’t the generations of women before us been fighting against that?
The boy I met at 16 wasn’t wrong about making me pay. He was more of a feminist than I, a bratty entitled girl who wanted to be treated like a princess.
Despite my pessimism, first dates do have the potential to become something more.
When it does, there shouldn’t be a power play or a pedestal of who’s better. Just mutual respect, and a good plate of expensive cheese we both paid for.
This article was first published on 17 October 2017 and last updated on 23 January 2024.
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