Growing up in a conservative country like Singapore, the topic of pornography is pretty much a taboo. As our curiosity sparks and we’re introduced to even more realms on the Internet, many of us have learned about porn, but are too afraid to talk about it without the fear of being judged.
Porn feeds into our curiosity and desire, but when it comes to watching porn while still in a relationship, it becomes a very grey area. Is it okay for our partners to watch porn and understand each others’ sexual preferences better, or will they become overly addicted?
We spoke to 8 Singaporeans to share with us if they are for or against their partners watching porn while still in a relationship, including additional tips to other couples.
Some names have been altered to protect the identities of our interviewees.
“I’ve been attached for 1 year and 5 months. I think everyone in Singapore who has access to the Internet has encountered porn at least once. It’s normalised, but not explicitly discussed. Singaporeans consume porn because there is a lack of available and safe platforms to discuss intimacy widely and openly.
I am very supportive of my partner watching porn. He is his own person and can choose what he wants to watch. Also, I don’t think porn is detrimental to our relationship because there are things we learn about each other from watching porn. We are able to understand and bounce off each other’s sexual preferences.
I do consume porn and yes, I am open to sharing with my partner. If sexual activities are an important part of your relationship, there must be a mutual understanding on how to work and communicate with your partner.”
Advice to couples: “Always discuss sexual preferrences before bringing up the consumption of porn. If such conversations cannot take place in a safe environment, it may pose problems in the relationship in the future.”
— Syuhada, 25
“I’m currently attached for 4 years and engaged for 2. Personally, I feel that what my partner does in their free time is not my business if it does not affect our relationship in a negative way. I’m fine if my partner chooses to watch porn, but I do draw the line if it becomes an unhealthy addiction or if it alters their perception of reality.
I have watched porn before, out of curiosity, and shared it with my partner. He was completely fine with it and there were no negative reactions as he also understands that it’s human nature.
I can’t really say that the majority of Singaporeans would agree with me. When it comes to topics of sex and pornography, Singaporeans are rather shy due to the stigma and shame surrounding it. However, I feel that there are people who would be open to the idea of discussing if they see more people stepping forward to address the stigma surrounding sex and porn.
Society assumes that porn is only healthy for males and shameful for females. But that is far from the truth. When it comes to porn and sex, the double standards have always been there. A woman who watches porn or who enjoys sex is seen as loose or immoral but a guy who watches porn or who enjoys sex is seen as normal or “just being a guy”.”
Advice to couples: “I have seen couples who try to replicate what they have seen in porn without the full consent of their partners. There should be boundaries of open communication where if one person is not comfortable with exploring certain options, the idea should not be forced onto them.”
— Isabel, 24
I’m currently attached for just about 3 months, but I do have had my fair share of long term relationships and dated around too. Pornography consumption in Singapore is normal but I can’t say it’s normalised.
I’m totally okay with my partner watching porn. I think the important thing is to know that it’s not real and most are just directed, so they shouldn’t expect it to go the same way in real life. Taking inspiration from it is fine, but you shouldn’t expect that everyone can do the same.
Porn can get dangerous if there is a sort of expectation in real life because that’s what they’ve known from watching porn.
I personally do consume porn from time to time. I guess in this society as a female, it’s rarely known about us talking about it as compared to guys who are more open to the topic. Usually if a girl consumes porn and mentions this to a guy, most of them are very receptive about it. But on the other hand, girls’ reactions usually differ, because there are more girls that aren’t okay with it.
Going about topics like this are usually taboo, especially with the older generation and with religion. So I do understand why watching porn is more frowned upon.”
Advice to couples: Be open and try to understand from both sides. Don’t get defensive when it comes to disagreements, because as much as you may be strong in your personal values, you can still listen from where they’re coming from.”
— Amirah, 22
“I’ve been attached for 3.5 years and I think that pornography consumption is very normal amongst guys. It isn’t just Singaporeans, but many people consume porn to live out a fantasy that they otherwise can’t participate in real life.
I’d be worried if my partner doesn’t watch porn since our relationship was born out of sex. Plus, pornography is such a big aspect of gay sex. It can be an outlet for when your partner isn’t feeling particularly intimate and you are. It’s so much better than cheating.
My partner and I watch porn together occasionally. In fact, we have watched each other have sex with other people on tape — so we’ve kind of watched each other’s porn. But porn might also cause a partner to be lazy to have sex as they can just watch porn and jerk off.”
Advice to couples: “You should not get too addicted to porn to the point where you’re neglecting your partner. If this happens, set aside a “sexy time” schedule so that they aren’t just defaulting to their favourite videos whenever they’re horny. A hard boundary: do not create porn of your partners if they are unaware!”
— Gabriel, 27
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“I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years now and I think that porn is too easily accessible on the Internet. Kids can get exposed to it by chance, especially with all the random spam on sites nowadays. This allows people to watch porn whenever they feel like it, which can also cause addiction.
I wouldn’t be happy about my partner watching porn because I feel it is disrespectful. In a way, it’s visually cheating on your partner. But it’s hard to stop something that is so common for Singaporean guys to do, so even though I don’t support it, I don’t actively try to stop my partner from watching porn either.
I think when people watch porn, they have unrealistic expectations of bodies, whether male or female, and also compare their own sexual experiences to what they have watched on porn sites. When you masturbate from watching porn too often, you may not want to engage in any sexual activities with your partner as much because you’ve already “fulfilled” your wants.
I don’t understand why people would prefer watching something virtual over having physical sex. Many people are too desensitised to the effects of watching porn to think about these things.
My ex made me watch a few times together but I didn’t really enjoy it. I think watching porn should be discussed when in a relationship. Being honest is very important and no relationship should be built on lies.”
Advice to couples: “In a relationship, you always have to think about how your actions affect your partner, and if your partner would feel uncomfortable with you watching porn.”
— Chloe, 24
“I’m single and from a religious background, so I think that it is a sin to watch pornography. I feel that people consume porn because they want their partner to replicate the situations.
I wouldn’t be supportive if my partner watches porn. He might feel that I can’t give him the same experience as porn and potentially find another partner instead. When your partner is watching porn, you will tend to be insecure and wish to be like the porn actors.
I guess watching porn is one of my deal breakers. While I understand it is tough to fight the urge, I still wouldn’t want my partner to watch. I would rather have him tell me that he is struggling with it and we will work around it together, rather than keep it a secret.
I do not consume porn and wouldn’t tell my partner even if I do as he might feel that he can’t give me the same as well.”
Advice to couples: “Boundaries should be set in a relationship right from the start.”
— Rachel, 21
“I’ve been attached to my partner for about 4.5 years. I feel that pornography makes people want to recreate the fantasy and excitement they get, which leads to an unhealthy consumption.
I am against pornography as it is to tame a curious mind of sexual desires. It would be better if my partner could discuss it with me instead. The effects of watching porn will vary — maybe you could learn ways to satisfy your needs or your partner’s needs, but the results could be different.
You might lose interest in your partner and dive in more to keep the excitement going. Definitely, I feel that there will be more negative impacts than good ones.
In our society, many sexual related aspects are always tied to males which is unfair. Whenever topics like porn are brought up, males will be targeted and questioned. If they deny it, people will still doubt them and hold a judgement.”
Advice to couples: “There should not be any grey area where other parties are involved to satisfy one’s needs. When both parties acknowledge each others’ different needs and desires, solutions can be worked out together.”
— Erin, 23
“I’m currently single and wouldn’t like it if my partner still watches porn whilst in a relationship with me. If they have in the past then it’s still fine, but if we’re together and you’re still watching, I wouldn’t like it.
I don’t support it because it feels like borderline cheating. I don’t consume porn, but I have heard that it sets up a lot of unrealistic expectations of sex. Personally, I would feel insecure if my partner watches porn because then it feels like there are certain expectations they assume should be met when it comes to sex.
I’m sure that it’s a stereotype that all males consume porn. I have guy friends that don’t consume porn, but I’m sure some females do. I think women being open about their sexuality is something that society is still grasping the idea of.
Being in a relationship, you have to realise that your actions will affect someone else. Things like consuming porn may not matter when you’re single, but once you’re in a relationship, it’s a different story.”
Advice to couples: “Having a listening ear and being honest is extremely important. Listen to what your partner has to say about the topic and also truthfully voice our your opinions. Don’t feel pressured to say something because you think that’s what they want to hear.”
— Rae, 19
While some Singaporeans understand that watching porn while still in a relationship can serve as an alternative outlet for sexual desire, others might view it as a disrespectful act. Ultimately, whether or not it is considered a deal breaker depends on individual preferences and communication between the couple.
Responses have been edited for brevity and clarity.
Cover images courtesy of interviewees.
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