In this day and age, family planning has become an important topic, in particular for the younger generation. We’ve shifted away from the idea of having children to carry on the family name, and started focusing on ourselves and our capacity to give our children the best lives that they can have.
Contraceptives, such as condoms, can be easily purchased to practise safe sex and prevent unwanted pregnancies. But *Lynn, a Singaporean woman, unexpectedly fell pregnant with her fourth child — a new life that she knew she could not cope with raising, both physically and mentally.
Through dealing with guilt, depression and eventual acceptance, here’s how she decided to prioritise herself and opted for an abortion.
This story was submitted by an anonymous contributor. *Her name has been altered to protect her identity.
Source
Lynn and her husband had just gotten back together after a year of separation. Through a lapse of judgement, they conceived their fourth child, despite making it clear to each other from the onset that their third child would be their last.
During pregnancy, it’s normal for women to gain weight. But throughout the nine weeks of Lynn’s pregnancy, she lost a whopping 4kg instead. “I was so tired all the time, and I couldn’t be there for my current children,” she shared, a recurrent feeling she had had with her previous pregnancies as well.
On 14 April 2023, Lynn scheduled a D&C for her fourth surprise child. FYI, a D&C stands for dilation and curettage — a procedure that’s a method of abortion. She knew that she could not go through with bearing a fourth child, especially since she was still stuck in a toxic marriage.
“Aside from my husband, I did not tell anyone I was pregnant, what more going through with this procedure.”
“The waves of depression hit me hard. Knowing that I was making the right decision didn’t always make the cut. Part of me felt like I deserved the misery for creating a child I had no intention of keeping. Part of me wished I was brave enough for the decisions or mistakes I made.”
On the day of the procedure, Lynn lied to everyone about where she was going and how long she would be gone for. She left her children in her husband’s care, took herself to the hospital, and went through the procedure alone.
“My husband said he would send me, but I didn’t want to wake him up. Because if he wanted to, he would’ve made the effort.”
The most painfully ironic part of her situation was waiting to see the doctor. She saw patients go in and out for drastically different reasons — some were there to undergo the same procedure as her, while others left crading their new bundles of joy.
“I sat there alone with feelings of guilt, yet determined that I could not harm another child.”
Source
The procedure was relatively fast, lasting around two hours. Lynn described that she was “knocked out” one moment, and the next thing she knew, she was in recovery. She also inserted an IUD post-removal, so she wouldn’t have to worry about another unwanted pregnancy.
After staying in the ward overnight, she was discharged the next day. Life went on, as if the abortion never took place at all.
“There are days, especially when my peers are finally getting married and conceiving, that I do think about my unborn child. Would you finally be the boy we wanted to complete the family, or would you be another girl? Would I be able to love you, or would I struggle?
Had I carried you to term, we would have celebrated your first month by now. I would have had to survive yet another torturous month of confinement.”
Lynn shared that the abortion was the “easiest toughest decision” of her life. But even though she was certain she could not raise a fourth child, it didn’t cushion the pain of her loss. Till today, she wonders who her child could have been — “but I know you cannot be the excuse I give myself to stay in misery”.
While abortion has slowly become less of a taboo topic in society today, Lynn’s experience shows us that it’s still never an easy choice.
“I am writing this with a heavy, yet much relieved heart. I hope that in another life, I’ll be able to atone for what I did to my unborn child and more.”
Quotes have been edited for brevity and clarity.
Cover: Source, image courtesy of the anonymous contributor
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