What Would Zula Do
WWZD is where we answer submissions from our readers, from queries to confessions or even recurring dreams. While we are no experts in this thing called life, sometimes all you need is a listening ear from your e-BFF, anonymously.
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WWZD: My younger BF doesn’t let me be alone
I met a guy who is so much younger than me. I’m 6 years older than him but age doesn’t really matter. He is mature about certain things like career paths but sometimes he still acts like a child. He is still studying while I’ve been working for more than 6 years. He is always insecure and thinks I’m out of his league. But we both actually find each other charming and cute.
He treasures me a lot and always makes me feel loved. However I’m the kind of person who follows my mood, sometimes hot and sometimes cold. He wants me to be constantly responsive and expressive, but sometimes I prefer to be alone. He doesn’t understand it and we always argue about little things over text. He feels like he has been putting a lot of effort in making the relationship work but I’m not giving enough. I can’t do sweet talk 24/7, but occasionally when I’m feeling playful and clingy.
One thing is for sure: we love each other a lot, but being together ain’t easy. We are quite different. I’m actually worried about us growing apart;, our maturity and financial statuses are different. But I’m holding on to this relationship because I’m happy when I’m with him. I’m not sure if this is momentary happiness or someone whom I can keep and be with for the rest of my life. I’m not sure if I’m the right person for him because he could have gotten someone younger and prettier. He has not explored the world yet. I have no confidence in our relationship. I don’t want to change him, nor force myself to be someone he likes. I am lost…
This submission has been edited for grammar and clarity.
Both of you think you are out of each others’ league, so maybe ditch that thought? The only league you guys won’t qualify for is the English Premier League.
There seems to be a lot of insecurity in the relationship. As he is younger, he could be a contributor to most of it, but the only part you can work on is yours. As I grew older, I also felt more of a need to be alone, so I can give my best self to others.
From your description, he is clingy and demanding. The fun moments you share with him seem to make the anxiety worth it, but it isn’t love, it’s co-dependency. There is room for growth for both of you and it could be a case of right person, wrong time.
I don’t suggest taking any drastic actions, but to grow in your own time—either apart or toward a healthier relationship based on the acceptance of each others’ needs.
A relationship takes two to tango and it seems like you both have two left feet. It’s clear both of you are insecure because you both worry you’re out of each other’s league.
To that, I ask: why do you feel the need to rank individuals and determine who’s worth more than the other? People are not numbers on a scale of 1 to extremely dateable. Stand in the mirror and repeat, “I am ENOUGH” until you believe it. You are enough.
About your communication issues, I feel that’s happening because you both are projecting your expectations of what a relationship should be onto each other.
Recognise it’s unfair to expect someone to love exactly the way you do; you both will have your own preferences and need to compromise. Ask yourselves: is this an issue that will affect me in the long run? If it’s not, let the matter go and move on from it. There are better ways to spend your energy.
Despite trying our hardest to make a relationship work, sometimes, the people we love are not right for us.
You say you’re holding on to the relationship because you’re happy with him. But love is also about giving. When you love someone, the only thing you’d want for them is that they be happy.
So if he isn’t happy and you really love him, let him go.