Turning 30 And Single
It’s no secret that Singaporeans are naturally kaypoh. That’s why many of us can relate to the onslaught of annoying questions asked during Chinese New Year — “no boyfriend yet?”, “when are you getting married?”, and of course, the ever-popular guilt-tripping question: “when are you going to give your parents grandchildren?”
God, give us a break. For women, there’s also the fear of suddenly being “undesirable” to men once you’re past 30. But to 32-year-old Engracia, she’s pretty much desensitised to these invasive questions about her private life by now.
Here was what crossing 30 and still staying single is really like, as told by her. There’s no sugar coating — we’re taking you through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Contents
Growing up with expectations
Engracia when she was 22 years old
Thanks to fictional books and movies, every happily ever after seems to end up in a marriage with children. Subconsciously, we’ve set certain life milestones for ourselves, such as wanting to get married before 30, or having kids before 35.
Yet, Engracia describes herself as a “play-by-ear” person while growing up. She never really found herself setting concrete expectations.
“Dating and marriage has never been a priority to me, as relationships are very troublesome. Because I’ve been single for so long, I worry that it’ll be difficult to constantly compromise and give up on some things to make my partner happy.”
Instead, Engracia was passionate about her career interests, with dreams of working as a writer for big magazine brands since she was in primary school. When she entered university, she was suddenly bombarded with questions about getting married, especially when visiting her relatives.
“All of my cousins are already married except for my younger sister and I. Sometimes, I would overhear my aunties and uncles asking my mother, “why aren’t your daughters getting married?”
Similarly, Engracia’s sister doesn’t have dating or marriage on her cards either, despite being 29 years old. Engracia felt somewhat reassured about this, since it means that she’s not alone in feeling the pressure from her family.
Engracia when she was 22 years old
Admittedly, when Engracia was 25, she told herself, “in the next two years, I’ll find someone to settle down with. Maybe I’ll get married at 27 or 28 years old.”
But life doesn’t always go the way we expect it to, so that didn’t happen.
For some strange reason, society views women who are past 30 as old. We’re talking about being un-cool and wrinkly ah ma–kind of old. Sorry to break it to some of you, but being 30 doesn’t classify these women as senior citizens.
“I thought that I would have my shit together, but I’m still the same. Perhaps my priorities have just changed to focus on my career a little more.”
While being 30 is a big milestone to hit, Engracia turned 30 during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic. “Because of the whole lockdown thing going on, mentally, I don’t feel like I’ve crossed that milestone yet.”
Comparing life milestones with her friends
Engracia celebrating her birthday with her friends
While Engracia was navigating through her early 30s, it was inevitable for her to not compare herself to the people around her.
Just last year, she experienced a major existential crisis.
“Sometimes when I look at other people my age, or even at my fave K-pop idols, BTS, I ask myself: what am I doing with my life? We’re around the same age, but they are all so much more successful than me.”
And as she grew up, she found herself drifting away from some of her friends. Especially her friends from secondary school, who she described, “are now mostly married and have high-powered professions.”
Because of this, Engracia found herself being more self-conscious about not doing as well as them.
And for the friends who have started their own families? “We’ve drifted apart already. It’s not really a conscious choice, but once they have their own families and children, their priorities change. We don’t really have the same topics to talk about anymore.”
Losing your friends is never easy, especially in the middle of an existential crisis, where Engracia began to doubt herself. But she took these changes in stride, coming out of her shell and finding new friends who share her interests in attending concerts, playing video games and watching anime together.
Engracia at BTS’ Suga D-Day concert in Singapore
Why is turning 30 such a big deal for women? Engracia feels that it’s because of the patriarchal society. “Personally, when you’re over 30 and on dating apps, people tend to ask me, “why are you still single at this age?” Unintentionally, this is super disheartening to hear so often.
“There’s always this idea that the moment you hit 30, you’re not as attractive anymore. There’s the whole issue of the biological clock too, where the chances of getting pregnant lowers as a woman nears 40.”
It’s a strange but true phenomenon — society makes you feel bad for being a woman over 30 and still single.
“I’m not too sure whether their negative remarks are from a place of concern, or maybe they think that if I’m not married and don’t have kids, no one will take care of me when I’m old.”
Biggest perks about turning 30
Travelling to other countries to watch concerts
But being 30 isn’t always a downhill spiral of emotions. The biggest perks? Having freedom. And of course, having a higher spending power doesn’t sound too shabby either.
“I moved out of my parents’ house last year, and now I live with two other flatmates in a rented space. I think the sense of independence and privacy is a good perk. And because I’m single, I don’t have to answer to anyone.”
Asking your boyfriend for permission to go out? Can’t relate. Wanting to fly to another country to chase her fave K-pop idols? Flight tickets booked and ready. There’s quite literally nothing stopping Engracia from pursuing her interests.
Engracia at BTS’ Suga D-Day concert in Bangkok
As someone who’s very introverted, Engracia finds comfort in travelling alone. “When you travel with your partner, friends or family, you have to make compromises. And I don’t really want to have that burden.”
Even when it comes to her career, Engracia has been considering the possibility of working abroad. Since there isn’t anything holding her back, Engracia explains, “if I ever want to take up a job overseas or happen to receive an offer, I can easily pack up and just go.”
Engracia pampering herself with Dermalogica’s Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream
We all have guilty pleasures that we often find ourselves splurging on — retail therapy, TGIF nights or even toy collectibles. For Engracia, it comes in the form of food delivery.
After all, she says, “if not why do I earn money? I just want to eat good food and relax at home.”
Engracia also pampers herself with skincare products, often opting for a cooling clay mask to set on her skin while she lounges on her bed.
“As I grow older, my skin is more sensitised, so I have to be very careful about the products I use now. I used a lot of active ingredients in the past, which left my skin being very vulnerable to infections and breakouts.”
To ensure that her skin remains in the best condition as she grows older, Engracia puts in extra effort to maintain a youthful appearance. NGL, there’s nothing as thrilling as being told that you look much younger than you actually are, which is something that Engracia hopes to continue hearing.
Plans for the future
Unfortunately, since society favours couples more, being single also means that Engracia can’t have her own place to call home yet. After turning 30, her current goal is to save up as much as possible, so that she can afford a flat when she turns 35.
When asked where she sees herself in the future, Engracia jokes, “marrying Jin from BTS.” It’s safe to say that she’ll continue pursuing her interests with no regrets.
Sharing a piece of advice to her younger self — “don’t try too hard to impress people. There’s no reason why you should change yourself to fit into a crowd that you think is cool. Be more open-minded and look for friends with similar interests.”
And for the ladies who are afraid of what it means to enter their 30s and still remain single, Engracia is here to assure you that it isn’t the end of the world.
“Don’t worry about perceived goals or milestones that you have to hit, as long as you are happy with yourself. If you have to make goals, make sure that they are for yourself, and not for anyone else.”
Turning 30 Doesn’t Always Have To Be Scary As Long As You Stay True To Yourself
One line that Engracia shared during our chat stuck with me: “My life has been a lot happier once I shopped thinking about what other people thought of me.”
Through navigating her early 30s, Engracia began to understand what it’s like to let go of expectations and truly enjoy life to the fullest — with or without a partner. Her 30s is the start of a fresh new journey to rethink her perspectives and focus on the good in spite of the bad.
Reduce Visible Signs Of Ageing With Dermalogica’s Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream
With Engracia’s years of working and comfort in being alone, she also takes the time to pamper herself wherever possible. One of the concerns with being over 30 now is signs of ageing, as she’s cautious about getting the right products to treat her skin well.
From left: Dermalogica’s Phyto Nature Firming Serum, Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream
Engracia has very dehydrated skin, and she often feels it when her skin tries to overcompensate by producing more sebum. As a result of using too many retinol products in the past, her skin doesn’t heal very well on its own.
Delving more into her skin concerns, Engracia shared, “my diet isn’t the best either. I don’t really eat enough vegetables, so my skin barrier is weak.”
With these concerns in mind, we got Engracia to try out Dermlogica’s Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream and Phyto Nature Firming Serum for a week. These products aim to firm and lift the skin, reducing the appearance of ageing with every use.
The best time to do a facial massage is when you’re putting on skincare. This helps to promote circulation in the skin, reduce bloating and lifts the face, so you can get all that good stuff from your products absorbed right into your skin.
Dermalogica recommends a 4-step massage technique to do on each side of the face. The massage begins from the chin, pulling upwards along the jawline towards the ears to increase circulation and oxygenation in the skin, and to detox and unclog any potential congestion.
Next, gently pinch the jaw to help firm up the jawline.
Then, glide up along the sides of the mouth towards the nostril, exerting pressure point, and continue to glide under the cheekbones towards the centre of the ear. Working over these pressure points help to release tension and energy, and further improve circulation and oxygenation in the skin.
To give off a lifted appearance, make zig-zag motions up the forehead towards the hairline. You can also repeat this step along the mid part of the eyebrows and beside the eyes.
Once you’ve completed the massage, your face should feel refreshed and relaxed — now you’re ready to take on the day.
Engracia before vs after using Dermalogica’s Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream for 1 week
Engracia tried the products for one week, going in with no expectations so that she wouldn’t have a biased opinion when evaluating the results.
“Although there were no drastic changes within a week, my skin felt more hydrated and less oily. Since my skin is sensitised, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the products didn’t sting my skin, as often when I try new skincare, the area around my cheekbones would feel very raw and irritated.
Within just a week I could see a slight lifting around my brow and jawline. Since the results seem so promising, I would continue using the products to see further improvement. Plus, they are so convenient to add to my daily skincare routine.”
To all the ladies who are over 30 — your youth isn’t up yet. With Dermalogica’s Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream and Firming Serum, you’ll be able to take four years off your skin, with visible results after just one week.
After all, who doesn’t want firm, hydrated and plump-looking skin? Infused with oxygen-optimising phyto actives, the Phyto Nature Oxygen Cream is retailing at $218 while the Firming Serum is at $270, available at Dermalogica’s website, AsterSpring centres and authorised Dermalogica skincare centres.
But if you’d like to try out the products first before fully committing, we have a lobang just for you. Simply sign up on Dermalogica’s website to receive their Discover Youthful, Radiant Skin Sample Set — conveniently mailed right to your doorstep.
Sign up to receive Dermalogica’s Discover Youthful, Radiant Skin Sample Kit here!
This post was brought to you by Dermalogica.
Photography by Liu Xingying.
Images courtesy of Engracia Ang unless otherwise stated.
