How To Break Up
It’s funny how Singaporeans go through at least 12 years of formal education, and at the end of the day, we still lack the skills to get us through life. To name a few, we still struggle sometimes to cope with mental health, plan personal finances, and social skills like breaking up with a romantic partner.
The truth is, there is no “perfect” way to end a relationship, and the best we can do is to let bae down gently. If you need some help to “kill this love”, below is a guide that explains the preparation you’ll need before bearing the bad news, and things to note during the breakup.
Identify the problem
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There are certain relationships that you’d want to kiss goodbye to, especially those that scream toxic and abusive behaviour. On the other hand, there are also those that leave you confused ‒ you’re unsure if breaking up with your partner is the right thing to do.
The reasons are pretty simple. You find your relationship lacking something, and even after attempts to revive the initial spark, nothing seems to have changed. Sometimes, you might even find yourself arguing with your partner, and let’s face it ‒ it ends with no conclusion. And now, you wonder whether it is time to end the relationship.
Before you go ahead and make a life-changing decision, ask yourself if you truly want to break up with your partner. If there are concerns about the relationship, ensure you’ve already addressed them with your partner, instead of only talking about them during the breakup. Many times, these differences could be resolved after communicating. But, of course, we can’t rule out other common reasons for breaking up, including infidelity and priority shifts.
However, if you’ve made up your mind and determined that breaking up is the only solution, prep yourself for an emotional journey ahead.
Preparation before breaking up
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No one said that breaking up is easy, and chances are, it is going to be rough.
As a way to rationalise your thoughts and the things to say to your partner, take a day or two to reflect, and note down key points you wish to bring up. It could be a small detail that you admire your partner for in the relationship, or a difficult time that both of you went through together. Either way, planning ahead helps to effectively communicate the message to your partner.
While you do so, try to avoid using words that might sound as if you’re blaming them for the failure of the relationship. Instead, evaluate your tone, and respectfully let them know what worked and did not work for the both of you.
Examples of things to not say during a breakup:
– “I never loved you anyway”
– “It is all your fault”
– “It’s not you, it’s me”
Examples of things to say during a breakup:
– “I’ve always enjoyed my time with you, but I don’t think our future goals align”
– “I want to be honest with you, and let you know that this relationship is not working for me”
– “Our differences in values are hindering our progress of moving forward as a couple”
After all, you’d want a peaceful breakup, unlike those we typically see in K-dramas.
Ways to break up
Once you’ve nailed down your breakup message, you’re probably thinking “Now what?” Well, you have to decide how you will break up with your partner. Whether it is through a meet-up or a phone call, below are the pros and cons of each method.
Meeting up
Meeting up to deliver the sad news is probably the best option. While you might find it uncomfortable and awkward, it shows that you actually care for and respect your partner. You’re taking the time and effort to meet up, and explaining the reason behind your decision.
As a word of advice, choose to meet in a quiet and private setting because you won’t know how your partner would react. We’re trying to avoid a scene like the one from Legally Blonde ‒ you know, the one when Warner broke up with Elle in a crowded restaurant. Yikes.
But, if they do make a scene, try to keep calm and approach them in a sensible manner since no one likes to be on the receiving end of a breakup.
Through phone call
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My last breakup happened through a phone call, and honestly, it didn’t give me a proper closure and conclude things on good terms with my ex. However, considering how it is easier to express your feelings without having to see your partner, I understand why some people choose to break the news over the phone — ahem, looking at you Joe Jonas.
While this might be the “easier” way out of a relationship, you also have to take into consideration that the breakup might not end with a phone call. Chances are, your partner might want a proper closure by meeting up after the call to properly “settle” things, so you might still have to face them eventually.
Texting or ghosting
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Breaking up through text and ghosting is definitely at the bottom of my ways-to-break-up list, but there are a few exceptions, such as in abusive and toxic relationships. In many cases, it leaves the person no choice, but to break up through such methods because no one can foresee the danger and abuse they might be facing if they meet up.
However, if your situation doesn’t fall into such scenarios, have the courage and break up with your partner in a mature manner. They deserve much better than being ghosted, and having to decipher your “We good?” text.
Also read:
Singaporean Girl Shares Experience Of Dating A Fatphobic, Warns Others To Recognise Red Flags
Things to note during the breakup
So, you’ve dropped the bomb, and your partner is now your ex. But before you say goodbye or end the phone call, make sure that you haven’t left anything open-ended or give them false hope. The last thing we want is to have them feeling perplexed, wondering if there is any chance of getting back together as a couple.
Also, be clear if you intend to remain as friends or not, and let your ex know when you plan to break the news to mutual friends. The latter is much more important than you think because you wouldn’t want to be in an awkward situation where only some friends know about the breakup and others don’t.
Steps to get over a breakup
For some, it takes an ice cream pint or two, but for others, it could take months or even years to get over a relationship. Since there is no one-size-fits-all solution for getting over a breakup, as each individual copes differently, below are some pointers to consider.
Check in with yourself after the breakup
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Yes, you can be upset, and there’s no need to put up a brave front after ending a relationship. While you let the tears flow, understand that some relationships are just not meant to be, and the process will only make you grow as a person. At the same time, don’t blame yourself for the end of the relationship.
You can also take this opportunity to check in with yourself to understand what has been bothering you since the breakup. The result? You’ll understand yourself better as a person and learn from the mistakes you’ve made.
Hang out with friends to take your mind off things
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True friends go through thick and thin with you, and when it comes to relationships woes, trust that they will also be there for you. The best way to take things out of your mind is to hang out with friends ‒ plan a short getaway together to neighbouring countries or treat yourself to an atas afternoon tea sesh with your BFFs.
Either way, these activities will allow you to enjoy the present, and make precious memories with your friends.
As the saying goes: “Out of sight, out of mind.” If it helps with your healing process, mute or unfollow your ex on social media, so you won’t have to deal with the occasional emotional bombs whenever you open Instagram or Threads.
This goes without saying ‒ try to avoid texting and calling your ex just because you miss them.
Learn a new skill
Kickstart a new exercise routine to calm your mind
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Picking up a new skill to distract yourself from the breakup sounds like a good plan. You get to make use of the extra time you now have to finally sign up for a baking class that you’ve always wanted to or learn a new language that might come in handy when you travel overseas.
Whatever it is, these new skills help to boost your confidence. Plus, it might just give you an additional conversation starter on a first date once you’re back in the dating scene.
Stay away from rebounds
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We get it ‒ some people need to be under someone to get over a relationship. But, let’s face it, we all know how it ends. Instead of allowing yourself to get stuck in a vicious cycle, stay away from toxic rebounds and casual relationships until you are ready to commit again.
Know your self-worth, and take time to completely heal yourself before moving on.
There Are Many Things To Note & Prepare Before A Breakup
Life often presents us with difficult tasks, and breaking up with a partner is one of them. No one relishes the experience of a breakup, and hopefully, this guide gives you a better idea of what to prepare, and the things to take note of before a breakup.
Cover: TheSmartLocal
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