Dating Good Girls

Recently, I re-entered the dating game and was reminded how soul-draining dating apps could be. So, I asked my friends to set me up on blind dates.

In typical ZULA fashion, I asked my desk buddy what she thought of my new dating initiative. We broached the topic of the type of girls Singaporean guys like, and I brought up how I’m not the usual type they would ‘wife’.

Comparing the dating habits of our guy friends, we discussed how guys prefer innocent, ‘guai’-looking girls, all the better if they’re secretly slutty for them.

We also realised many of such friends are often admittedly insecure, hence prefer good girls who are assumed to be less prone to cheating or flirting with other men.

Another reason is, perhaps, guys prefer the good girl type because they’re trying to reassure themselves they’re one of the good guys worth dating.

Guys want a wholesome, good girl as a life partner

My table pal’s boyfriend told her that guys typically suss out a potential partner’s reputation by posing two questions: 1) is she bitchy or a shit stirrer, and 2) does she throw herself at guys or sleep around.

In other words, you don’t want someone who brings negative energy or drama to the table.

And while your number of sexual partners should have no bearing on your character, who you choose to sleep with does. From personal observation, if you let any random dude into your bed, it’s likely you have little self-respect or low self-esteem.

In the Singaporean context, a wholesome girl is someone who is kind, cooks, cares about family, and wants kids (and if you’re Christian, she goes to church weekly). She doesn’t swear, club, drink, smoke, or do drugs (and probably has no desire to try).

And if she engages in premarital sex, it’s only with long-term partners.

Usually, girls who fit the bill are the girl-next-door type that mums would approve of. These girls aren’t hiao or slutty; they probably won’t cause you any problem. And because looking ‘guai’ tends to be correlated with being a ‘good girl’, guys pick them.

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Singapore still has a sex-negative attitude

As a Singaporean girl who’s afflicted with a severe case of Resting Bitch Face and a love of Fenty Beauty highlight and red lipstick, I am the furthest thing from a ‘guai’-looking girl. By extension, I’m not someone most Singaporean guys would look to date.

It doesn’t bother me because I believe everyone is entitled to have a type. What I find unsettling is how some guys want to date “a good girl who is secretly wild, but only for me”.

You want a good girl that’s not completely innocent; it’s the dating equivalent of girls wanting a bad boy who changed only for them.

And when guys say they want a girl who is only wild for them, it reveals a dating double standard and an understanding of which behaviours are acceptable in Singaporean society.

No matter how progressive we think Singapore has become, our society still cares if a girl is sexually promiscuous. If you’re a girl who has (or appears to have) a more casual attitude towards sex, you’ll have to deal with being called a slut behind your back.

Your choice of partner reflects your character

“You’re the average of the five people spend the most time with” is a quote often attributed to motivational speaker Jim Rohn.

On this tiny island where everyone knows everyone, word spreads fast. Once your reputation is sullied, the smear is difficult to remove. No matter how ‘Westernised’ we are, we’re Asian at heart and there’s a need to maintain our honour; we cannot ‘lose face’.

Like your pick of friends, your choice of partner reflects who you are. I don’t blame guys who want to pick a ‘good girl’ because picking the ‘guai’-looking girl becomes the safe choice.

If you score someone respectable, others are more likely to have the impression you’re a decent human being. And because birds of a feather flock together, dating a good girl reassures us that despite our flaws, we aren’t inherently unlovable or bad people.

Dating A Good Girl

Maybe why guys say they want someone ‘wild’ is because they feel stifled following the rules of society, and want someone who will make them feel like they’ve lived a little.

But you can’t have or love people on your own terms. There’s no such thing as a girl who is only slutty for you. That’s like saying you want an opinionated girl who won’t argue with you, and when she does, you leave and call her “a difficult b!tch”.

And it’s unrealistic because you’re trying to fall in love with an idea, not an actual person.

I believe we understand people are multi-faceted and have carnal desires. Like it or not, you can’t have your cake and eat it too. Though we are vain superficial, imperfect creatures, we can make a choice and live more honestly.

So if you want a girl who looks ‘guai’ but is slutty for you, consider you need to choose. Do you care more about pacifying your ego and what others think of you, or do you want to date a sexually liberated girl and accept the accompanying judgement?

If you agree with me or think I’m super bo liao for reading too much into men’s dating habits, drop me your thoughts at hello@zula.sg

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Cover image: Source